Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Travellin' Light

Here we are again, folks, to offer guidance from our vast collective bank of Unbelievable experiences about travel. Here to give Conde Nast a run for their money. And today it's my turn. So get ready for


1. Let's Insta!
Before we get started, it is vitally important that you take pictures of everything you do on your hols and then post them on Instagram. This will have the effect of either making your holiday destination seem exotic and amazing, or make you seem like a total nob. Or both.

2. Let's pack!
On a serious note, there is one packing tip I can offer that makes complete and total sense - pack light. If you can't fit everything you need into a small suitcase or a rucksack, you're taking too much. Pretty much every hotel will either supply toiletries or be within spittin' distance of a pharmacy and a launderette. Pack your undies and socks in your T-shirts, army roll style. Take enough for three days and then do a wash. Oh, and don't forget to Insta the whole process.

3. Let's Lingo!
Download an app for "Common Phrases" on your phone, then clumsily attempt to use it on the first local you meet. Then become awkwardly self-conscious, ditch the app and say everything loudly and slowly in English anyway. Then feel relief as you learn the locals can all speak fairly decent English.


4. Let's nosh!
Go on TripAdvisor and Yelp to find the best local eateries. Then completely ignore them and go to whichever one you happen upon first. It makes no difference. And then Insta your food so that your friends back home will be jealous.

5. Let's Shop!
Now, I know many of you will not be interested in shopping save for the beachwear stores, but let's say the tourist destination you have chosen is noted for being a shopping mecca. If this is the case, you'll at least have to go through the motions of hitting the shops in case your lame friends back home start to question exactly how style-savvy you are. First, avoid the name-brand stores you can find anywhere and head to the cool, hip local boutiques. Then Insta yourself holding a price tag and caption it "Lolol how much??" or "Daaaammmnn these prices cray-cray!!" and they'll think you've become a style-and-price-conscious fashion maven, and you've only wasted two hours and saved a bundle by not buying anything.

6. Let's Be Security Conscious!
Like us, you know full well that foreign countries are full of unscrupulous characters and shifty types who would sell their own grandma for five bucks given half a chance. So, to be sure of keeping your valuables safe, you should (a) put them in a money belt or fannypack so that you can look even more touristy in public, or (b) just keep your wallet in your pocket and continually do the "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch" dance everywhere you go. Either way, don't forget to put it on Insta.

7. Let's Get Blitzed!
If you want to go bar-hopping, do it in the company of some of your friends. Do not do it in the company of some other tourists you just met. You'll end up drunk, yes, but probably sans clothes and/or wallet. Or you could go to the clubs, where you will realise after about 30 seconds that it is impossible to enjoy yourself when you are trying to chat up a foreign babe and buy a rink in a dark room full of sweaty types while getting your ears bashed by Euro-techno. You will also then realise that you don't even go to the clubs in your hometown, so what the hell are you doing? Nope, best way to get drunk on vacay is to go to the hotel bar during Happy Hour and down a few Cosmos. Oh, and don't forget to put it on Insta.

So there you are, folks. Just a few hard-learned lessons from your man in the know.

Michael will be back on Friday with his take on travel.

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