Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year

The Unbelieva-Babes
(especially Greta)
wish everyone out there ...

A Happy New Year ... !!!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Great Freak Snowstorm Party (or, the case of the dirty punchbowl)

It was Yuletide down in Stiletto Flats
And downtown was all twinkly and sparkly
But in a top-secret location
We three fellas looked through a glass, darkly.

"This punchbowl is filthy,", said Michael.
"Who soiled it? I really must know!"
The other two of us three
Were as puzzled as he - 
But right then, it started to snow.

"Snow? In Nevada? Really?" said Clark,
"It isn't unheard of, but rare..."
I stood scratching my head.
"Let's get out the sled!",
Cried Michael. We others yelled "Yeah!"

We called up a few of our cohorts
And said "Hey everybody, c'mon!"
"The snow's coming down, let's build snowmen,
And go sledding before it's all gone!"

The first to arrive was The Kitsch Bitsch
And she made a beeline for the bar.
(No, it's not what you think,
She was mixing some drinks!)
Then she saw the punchbowl and cried "AARGH!"

"This punchbowl is filthy, who soiled it?"
We all looked at her and gave a shrug.
She stared at us guys
Arms akimbo, and sighed
"No matter, I'll just use this jug."

Some other guests started arriving
Marissa was dressed for the weather.
She looked just like Anna Karenina-
But 75 times more clever.

Laura was stunning in her teal blue coat
Accented with what looked like snow.
She said "the old El Dorado refuses to start,
So I skied all the way, dontcha know."

We all went out to the backyard
Which was blanketed thickly in white.
Guests were building snowvillains
And making snow forts
And having a huge snowball fight.

Then the band "Playgirl Club" made their entrance
They set up their gear and plugged in.
They sound a bit like Grand Funk Railroad
With a bit of Mel Torme thrown in.

The KB, our mentor, gave us a drink,
Saying "I call this an Irish Mule.
It's icy, yet fiery with ginger,
And a kick like Peter O'Toole."

(For recipe, see below)

Well, those drinks warmed us up, that's for sure,
And the party, it went with a bang.
It was getting quite late in the evening
When Clark slapped his head and went "Dang!"

"What's up buddy boy?" said Michael and I.
"What irks you? What's giving you grief?"
He replied "The punchbowl! It's my fault!"
Michael muttered, "Well, that's a relief."

Clark said "I used it to transplant seedlings,
from the garden to my terrarium.
"I just set it down when I walked back inside - On the shelf right next to the aquarium."

"No, it's my fault," I said. "Blame me, guys."
"I used it to make whipped potatoes in."
"I thought they were earthy and tasted quite dirty - 
That explains it!" said Michael with a grin.

"But I must tell you guys, I'd be lying
If I didn't explain what I knew.
I used it myself, before you did - 
Cleaning mud from the sole of my shoe."

So that was the punchbowl mystery solved
And we had a good laugh and a giggle.
Then we unplugged the band and switched on the hi-fi
(The band's music had started to niggle.)

We three headed into the kitchen
Clark made a huge batch of hot cocoa.*
I cooked up my world-famous waffles
(Jamie Oliver's recipe. Sshh! they don't know.)*

We all sat and chilled out, munching waffles,
(Which we dunked in the cocoa - yum yum!)
All the guests went back home, with a tear in their eye-
Well, that's not quite true. Not everyone.
(Hello, ladies!!!)

The next morn, the snow had all melted,
And you'd never have known it was there.
But those who were there have their memories
Of the freak snowstorm party that year.

So let's raise a glass of something,
And wish good will to all, peace on earth.
Happy holidays to all and sundry
(even villains... for what it's worth.)

*Recipes follow...

Irish Mule Recipe:
-1 part good quality Irish Whiskey
-2 parts Jamaican style Fiery Ginger Beer 
-Aromatic Cocktail Bitters
-several lime wedges and juice of 2 whole limes

In a large pitcher half filled with ice, mix together whiskey, ginger ale, and juice from 2 limes. Top off with 2 splashes of bitters. Garnish with the lime wedges.

Sit back, drink, and enjoy!

NB: For a Kentucky Mule, substitute the Irish Whiskey for Bourbon.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Happy holidays, we're on assignment

Hiya folks! 
Just wanted to let you know that the three of us are going to be off on a top-secret assignment for the next few days so we won't be around that much. We're going waaaaaaay up north and going deeeeeeep undercover. Other than that, I can't really say much other than the fact that we will be working with an elite special services unit on some hand-to hand (so to speak, giggle, ahem) training exercises. 

1st step: Uniform inspection.

We'll try to pop in from time to time with some brief updates but we'll be back on a fully available basis on Monday, January 5th. 

In the meantime, Unbelievably Happy Holidays and Season's Greetings from the three of us to all of you.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Friday, December 12, 2014

Submission And Irony

Fact: We may have been looking at this entire situation as a major slight to our characters. "The Unreliables" - that short-lived BBC production - was a farce from the very beginning. Farces have a way of attraction Hollywood attention, however. As Clark detailed, why anyone would want the property for the big screen treatment is beyond us, but it moved in that direction and forward.

Fact: We realized quickly going in as "consultants" we had little (if any) say in things like story progression, character development, set location or production input. To say we were frustrated was and understatement.

Then? An epiphany ...

The three of us powwowwed one day while on the production set as "invited casual observers."

"Guys, we're going about this entire thing the wrong way. Hear me out:

"The standards these clowns are setting are so left of center there's no possible way anyone - not even the densest movie-goer - could mistake what's being put down on film is indicative The Unbelievables. And I say we embrace it ..."

Jeff and Clark looked at each other with disapproving twisted faces, exchanged them and looked back at me.

"Look: We buddy up to everyone - the producers, the set people, wardrobe (yeah, I know ... that's a tough one) and anyone else on the crew - and happily put in our two cents ... even though we know our two cents is worth less than two cents. Result? Everybody on staff is happy thinking we're happy and << BOOM! >> we let the residuals come tumbling in.

"Think about it: How many of these throw-away romps have come and gone with zero legacy left in their wakes? None of this is going to prick us where it counts. As The Unbelievables, we're Teflon-coated where this joke of a film is aimed. That's why we need to seem engaged and happy about the entire affair and keep going merrily along. I mean ... there is an audience for this kind of thing."

The guys weren't convinced.

"Hokay ... look at it this way: Clark? You've been looking to take your dinosaur dioramas upscale to new levels, right? Think of the influx of *ka-ching* that will no doubt come in when this flick is finished! I know it seems like a major put-down to your character when they have 'Mark' saying lines like 'Sometimes my penis doesn't even work' but, hey, Jeff and I know your penis works just fine. (I mean ... so we've heard.)

"And Jeff? I know they nixed that entire whipped potato encounter and left it on the cutting room floor, replacing it with drivel about your inadequacies but every single Unbelieva-Babe knows better, right? Right? Am I right? Again ... think of the big picture here ...

"And how about my role in the thing? When have I ever encouraged anyone to where pants? That's so uncharacteristic of me it isn't even funny.

"Remember: We're The Unbelievables. They couldn't do us harm if they tried ..."

That little pep talk did the trick. From that point on, each of us were overly enthusiastic about anything the director and producers suggested.

And things went swimmingly. The film commenced and wrapped and is currently in the marketing stages.

We even threw a major after-party with food and drink and plenty of Unbelieva-Babes on hand as eye-candy. Everyone had a smashing time.

It was a pretty easy party to throw.
Here's a scene prior to The Unbelieva-Babes showing up.

In the end? Well ... you should see all the improvements and renovations to the Unbelieva-Base simply from the advance we've garnered from the film's higher-ups. Especially to our arsenal department ...

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Location, Location, Location

As Clark mentioned on Monday, we are being allowed some limited input on the production of the movie version of the cancelled-because-it-was-awful TV show The Unreliables, which was a thinly veiled parody of us. I mean, check out this morsel of dialogue:

MARK: I sure do love being a wheelman, and my studly AMC Gremlin is sure to attract the girls.

GEOFF: Shut up, Mark! Just because you passed your driver's test first time, you have to go on and on about your skills. I can drive too, ya know!

MICKEY: Yeah, me too. I learned from my Mamaw's neighbour Uncle Pete. Well, we called him Uncle, but he was just a neighbour really. He didn't really go home that much though, just spent a lot of time at our house, with Mamaw, redecorating the basement. Never did get it finished.

MARK: Gaw, Mickey, you never know when to stop sharing little anecdotes from your weird upbringing, do you?

MICKEY: Shut up, man!

MARK: You shut up.

MICKEY: Naw, you shut up!

....etc. Now what I have been given to do in this little, ahem, "project" is location development. Which means, essentially, that the production team pick locations for various shots, run them by me to ensure accuracy and then they go with something completely different, because frankly, they're assholes and I am only in it for the money. I'm certainly not in it for the fame, recognition or kudos, because there is absolutely none of that. But let me go ahead and give you a couple of prime examples of what I'm talking about.

I said once let's do a scene in the parking lot of either a Pizza Hut...

 or a Pizza King...

 so they went with a Wienerschnitzel. Not even in the same ballpark, guys!

Then there was a bank scene. I said we need to do it at a Great Western or a BB&T, something like these...

So what did they end up going with? 

Friendly's in Myrtle Beach. I mean, come on!

Then we needed to do a scene in a laundromat. Here are the two choices I picked...

Both ideal spots, I thought. What ended up in the film?

La Parrilla in Oakwood, GA. Nice food. I have eaten here.
And so I sensed a pattern emerging here. On the next scene they gave me, I didn't even look at the script, I knew it was going to end up being a restaurant. So here's what I suggested.

And they went with...?

It's a living, I guess.

Monday, December 8, 2014

We might have a big (screen) problem

Dedicated, devoted readers (and what other kind is there?) will remember when we talked about the short-lived BBC show "The Unreliables", an effort to humiliate us (as if). That show was cancelled due to bad ratings, but that hasn't stopped some fancy boys in Hollywood from developing the thing as a movie! We probably should have seen this coming, as turning TV shows into motion pictures is something that's been taking place for some time. It doesn't matter if the source material was any good, or even popular, to begin with The problem is, since it's a movie about a TV show that was a parody of us in the first place, we probably don't have a legal leg to stand on in terms of shutting it down. Thankfully, the producers have recognized that they don't want to be on our bad side and are allowing us some limited input on the production. I can tell you right now, I'm not entirely thrilled with dialogue like this:

GEOFF: Well, we're in danger again and completely unequipped to deal with it on any level. What should we do?MICKEY: We could ask a woman for help.MARK: We don't know any, remember? In spite of our incessant boasting, the truth is that we're actually very bad at women!GEOFF: He's right. Among our many, many, many issues is that we're not open enough with our feelings. MICKEY: Our lack of emotional depth is probably why we're so selfish and generally inadequate. MARK: Sometimes my penis doesn't even work.

Yeah, we're gonna need some red pens. And this doesn't even take into account things like casting, locations, soundtrack, merchandising. I'm sure the guys have thoughts on these concerns and maybe others.

Friday, December 5, 2014

A Brief History Of The Concept Of Time, and T-Shirts

A few years ago while vacationing in sunny Mansfield, OH...

They do the best scrambled eggs here, by the way.

I was at breakfast when a guy walked in wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the mantra "Time is an invention."

Well, you know, that set me to thinking. If this was true, then who was responsible for inventing it? And why? I immediately accosted said stranger and inquired of him where he purchased his shirt. I knew he didn't find it in Mansfield, that's for damn sure. I know, I looked all over Mansfield for an interesting T-shirt and I came away with this one.

Pretty pedestrian, I trust you'll agree.
He told me he'd bought it via mail order. A small ad in the back of a CB magazine, apparently. His handle was StringVest. I didn't really need to know that, but he told me anyway. I told him that it really wasn't relevant, but he told me I'd just eyeballed StringVest and was to remember that. Why, I can't fathom, but there ya go. It takes all sorts, doesn't it?

The magazine in question was this issue of CB Action.

Nice cover.
The ad in the back was for a T-Shirt and sweater company. There was an address to send for a catalog. Just out of curiosity, I sent for one. When it arrived three days later, I was impressed by the quality and selection of T-shirt designs. 

Show me the way.


They even had cool CB sweaters. 

I know what Michael "The Sweater King" is getting for Christmas.
Still, I couldn't see the "Time Is An Invention" shirt. So I headed straight to the library to see what I could dig up about it. I ploughed through book after book - science, philosophy, nature, encyclopaedias, National Geographics, tomes and pamphlets....

I came away with a massive headache from reading about the Planck scale, wormholes and the very existence of time. Does it exist or is it a human concept? We don't see time pass, just the hands of clocks moving, all that stuff. Didn't get me any closer to finding out about that t-shirt, or where I might purchase one. No help. And what, you may be asking, does any of this have to do with Temporal Al OR Henri Petit?

All I know is, Temporal Al is a shady, shifty figure, and his mucking about with time shenanigans are not going to stop anytime soon. Did you know it was he that decided on NINE minutes being the ideal amount of time for a snooze? When you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock, you get nine minutes. Not ten. Not fifteen, which might be considered a good amount of time for a proper snooze. But nine. See, he's messing with us.

So I'm sorry, folks, if you were expecting some sort of neat conclusion to all of this, but we are having tremendous difficulty even pinpointing Temporal Al's whereabouts, not to mention how we go about stopping him once we find him. I apologise. 

However, I'm off to the kitchen. It's Michael's birthday and I'm going to whip him up a batch of my extra-special whipped potatoes, with Spam fritters, but ssshhh! Big secret. Michael no know, savvy?

Oh, and speaking of T-shirts, I have one for his birthday present. Wanna see?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Ahh, Temporal Al. An ongoing nightmare (or daymare, who can even be sure anymore?) for us and for all of civilized society. Who do you think is behind the fact that the last two minutes of a football game can last for over an hour? Who won't allow an extra minute or two for poor Jack Bauer to visit a restroom once in while? Who's really responsible for the health problems that result from having a four-hour erection? Temporal Al, of course. His antics have mucked things up so badly that many people are seriously stressed out about it.
"No, seriously, WHAT TIME IS IT?!?"
Of course, you've already figured out his greatest crime against humanity: Daylight Savings Time. Every year, he steals an hour from you on a Saturday night in the spring time. Sure, he eventually gives it back. But in the fall, which makes it dark and gloomy at 5:00PM. Gee, thanks a lot, Al.

His credo is "Time is money... except time is much better because even when you spend it, there's still more", which is his way of saying that he creates all this mayhem for fun, not profit. This makes him the worst kind of villain because it's almost impossible to deal with him reasonably.

Overall, we've had little success against him. However, we were able to thwart a partnership between him and the vile Henri Petit, a coupling which could have proved disastrous.
"Well hello, Unbelievajerks. Surprised to see me here? I notice you all admiring my new watch chain which is attached to my new pocket watch, a gift from my new partner Temporal Al. But it's more than a watch; it's an incredibly powerful weapon, making me more dangerous than ever! I won't bother trying to explain to you how it works. Suffice to say... your time is up!! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
We accomplished this by taking the watch away from him and holding it just high enough above his head that he couldn't jump up and reach it. Then when we got tired of that, we kicked him out of a window and threw his stupid toy watch in the garbage.
"It's not a toooooooooooooy..."
Temporal Al remains a problem for us to solve. Jeff will further update you all on Friday.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Time And Again

See the date of this post? December 1st. How did that happen?  Wasn't it just November? A few weeks ago we were celebrating the 4th of July ... no? Who is responsible for time being so fleeting or painfully turtle-like? 

It's all the doing of one of our most heinous, nefarious foes: Temporal Al.

Al, you see, has the ability to alter time. He makes it indescribably slow for children ("Are we there yet?") and lightspeed fast for adults ("Wasn't it just your birthday last week?").

Al is mad, bad and dangerous to know. The problems he's caused us ... the trouble we've had to deal with because of him.  

Clark and Jeff will fill you in ...