Monday, December 19, 2016

"Away In Some Danger" or "No Crib For The Lead (bullets, that is)"

Hi readers!
Once again, we, The Unbelievables, are taking some time away from blogging about our thrilling exploits to have actual thrilling exploits. This is kind of a holiday tradition in itself. Whether it's parties or parti-cipation in some other adventures, we need time at this time of every year to do stuff.

Okay, I'll be honest, it might be more than a couple of parties.
It might be a lot of parties.
It'll be mostly parties.
It's all parties.
That doesn't mean that we won't be foiling the dastardly plans of evil-doers; it's just more likely that our activities will be heavily focused on mistletoe and not missles.

At any rate, we'll be back, January 9th-ish with all new, tried-and-true tales of derring do.
In the meantime...

Friday, December 16, 2016

No more curtain calls for this Unbelievable

I'll admit it, I fell in love with the theatuh. As usual, I did so much too quickly. What can I say, I'm impulsive. All it took to get me to commit to it was the realization that plays are just movies for people who don't have television sets. That, and the fact that you get your own chair and I was hooked.
I figured my experience as an expert crime fighting security expert with The Unbelievables would translate to instant success. However, there was a bit of a learning curve. Turns out blocking a stage production doesn't necessarily require someone watching all exits or positioning snipers. Also, the antagonists in a production are often portrayed by people just pretending to be bad, who don't merit a severe butt-kicking.
But I'm all out of cookies!
With the help of U.D.O.L.T.S, seasoned and talented actors all, we ironed out the rough spots and put on a pretty great production of Jeff's adaptation of A Christmas Carol. Unfortunately, I was unable to find roles for Jeff and Michael. But that was because I had already cast so many great actors. Virtually every part was played by multiple performers. And that's because my greatest weakness as a director is the inability to turn anyone down who comes out to audition.
Overly ambitious? Perhaps. But I would much rather commit a noble failure than...whatever the opposite of that is.
So I'm retiring and the show is closing after just one presentation, mostly because there just isn't enough parking to accommodate cast, crew and patrons. But we recorded it for posterity and here it is. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Clark's AmDrams

One of the first things Clark did after deciding to form a theater group was to sit for hours thinking up a name for them, which in retrospect should probably have taken no more than about ten minutes. Not Clark though. After a good hour and a quarter he ran up to us, saying he'd finally reached a decision. 

Unimpressed about being disturbed like that during our badminton game Michael and I stopped for a moment nevertheless and duly listened politely. We knew what it was like when Clark was in one of his excitable periods and knew it wouldn't last too long. All we had to do was be patient with him.

"I'm calling it the Unbelievable Dramatic & Operatic Local Theatre Society." he said, pausing to allow us time to react appropriately.

"U.D.O.L.T.S?" I said, slightly alarmed. I then composed myself while Michael smirked and heard myself offer to re-write my adaptation of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens for his first production.

Next day I was approached by Clark again, this time dressed from head to foot in Victorian garb, asking for the script. I'd kept a few copies from  the time we'd done it in college and, looking at Clark, told him he looked perfect for the part of Mr. Scratchit, the clerk with barely a penny to his name, employed by Scrooge McTightwad, the protagonist of the story.

Folks in "Victorian garb".

Clark flicked through the script and enthused over it wildly.  
"This is perfect! Just the job to prove ourselves with! It shall be done!" 

Well folks, tomorrow is opening night.     

Tune in Friday to see how it all went.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Monday, December 12, 2016


Uh oh. Can it be? Could it be?
(Should it be ... ?!??!)

You know ... you wouldn't think Clark gets in a lot of trouble, especially as an integral cog in the wheel of The Unbelievables.

But he does. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes unwillingly.

Yet you could raise an argument (and a good one) in so stating Clark is the more "grounded" of the three us. (Perhaps not the best of arguments but an argument nonetheless.)

That's not to say we don't individually have our safe and sane moments of clarity and innovative ideas. Who doesn't? Just as well we have our off the rails ticks here and there, too.

But what some of you might not realize is this: Having each others' backs is a huge necessity in not only the formulation but the day to day operation of a crack organization such as The Unbelievables. We're a well oiled machine, continually complimenting each other on a professional level. (And, no, I'm not disregarding the fact we have instances where we chide one another about our individual quirks and kinks. We're guys. Fabulous, fashionable, daring doers of an elite crime-fighting ilk ... but guys first and foremost. It's what guys do.)

Still, the latest doings post ICC (the recent International Conference of Crime detailed here) have left Jeff and I scratching our heads.

It seems Clark has taken up an interest in theater, fueled by the recent Nativity play Jeff wrote for the conference's final day. (Personally, I think there's a little jealousy involved on Clark's behalf, especially since the script Jeff wrote turned in a winning performance at the event. I could be wrong ... but I don't think so.) In short, Clark's gone a bit sideways when it comes to this new-found "hobby" ... or whatever it is he believes it to be.

To wit, this happened the day after our return from the ICC:

"Guys! Think about it: We're masters of disguise! We have funding and more available at our beck and call! We could totally oversee and pull off a theater production company right here in Stiletto Flats! It could be the west coast (well, sort of) rival to Broadway! Great idea ... huh?!? I'm working on the blueprint this very moment!"

Jeff and I exchanged looks. Who were we to quash Clark's dream? Against our better judgment - an in the spirit of camaraderie - we decided to leave it alone and see if this passion of his was truly that ... or some mania that had taken over in his mind as an after effect of Jeff's play ...

Sunday, December 11, 2016

The Play's The Thing

One of the highlights (for me, at least) of the ICC conference was the annual Nativity play. Oh yes, that's a big draw every time. Now you might think it a bit unusual for a convention of professional crime fighters to do what is essentially a kids' play, but after all the seriousness of the workshops and seminars and testing of new equipment etc. it's a welcome relief on the last afternoon to write and perform a skit and blow off a bit of steam.

L to R: Super Gold Man as a Wise Dude, Diamond Dave as an angel, Weirdie Beardie as Joseph,  Turkey Man As, uh, Turkey man, Kyra Sedgwick's double as another angel, Mick Hucknall/James Hetfield Man as either Mick Hucknall or James Hetfield, and Frank Bruno as crocodile.

Here's the script that I wrote. 


Joseph –(steps forward) Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl and their names was Mary and Joseph. I am Joseph. One day an angel appeared to Mary. She is Amy, I mean, Mary (points at Mary then steps back)

Mary – (doing her nails). An angel appeared to me. He was really big and came from God, a bit like Jeff, and he had a bright light behind him, but I didn’t like his outfit, it was a bit over the top, too sparkly for me and what was he thinking with those wings... (Joseph looks at her and she gets back on track) .Oh, sorry, he said, “I am G.. G... Gordon? Graham. Gabrielle.. I mean Gabriel, an angel. You will have a baby boy and call him Jesus.” I said to him “but I want to call him Rylan” as I like that name as I want him to be famous. The angel said no and flew away.

Joseph – (steps forward) One day I saw that Mary was getting a bit fat. I said to Mary, “are you getting a bit fat? Have you been eating too many mince pies..? Or figgy pudding?” I should not have said that. My advice to men is don’t say what I said next. I said, “I thought Santa Claus was a man? You are big enough to be Santa”. Don’t say that. Mary had been drinking some mulled wine and this is what happened.. (steps back)

Mary – (hits him) No, I am having a baby you twit!

Joseph – (Shocked) Are you? How did this happen? I don’t understand..

Mary – well Joseph, when a man and a woman love each other very much.. (whispers to Joseph about how babies are made)

Joseph – (the truth gradually dawns on Joseph). Oh.. I see.. (embarrassed)

Joseph – (steps forward) Mary explained God had sent an Angel. (steps back)

Mary – God sent an angel. He is like a mailman, but from God.. and always on time.. more Godmail than U.S. Mail.. and he doesn’t need a letterbox..

Joseph – An angel?! Sounds a bit funny to me, but OK. So a big shiny dude with a light behind him flew down from the sky and God had sent him and he said that you would be the mother of Jesus, even though you are still a virgin and not married.. I am convinced that you saw an angle.

Mary – (points at his script and whispers) – An angel.

Joseph – (looks at script, turns upside down, looks embarrassed) – an angel..

 SCENE 2 - On The Way To Bethlehem

(Joseph on a donkey, Mary walking - going 'clip clop' on a broom handle)

Mary – Joseph, I’m sure that in the Christmas story, Mary was riding on the donkey. I want a go on the donkey..

Joseph – yeah, but I like this donkey.. Clip, clop, yee haa..

(they fight over the broomstick, before Mary glares and ‘wins’. Joseph sulks and says stuff like “it’s not fair..”)

Mary – (shakes head at Joseph and steps forward) One day we went to a new town. It was a horrible place, and very dirty and smelly, a bit like Tacoma, but it was called Bethlehem.

SCENE 3 - Bethlehem

Joseph – (Joseph steps forward) It took a long time to get to Bethlehem because of all the traffic lights. We tried to find somewhere nice to stay but there was no room at any of the inns because of the students on their gap year living on a kibbutz who had not gone home for Christmas and whose cars were in all the residents parking spaces. We had to park the donkey on double yellow lines.. (steps back)

Mary – I told Joseph we should book ahead on Trivago, but would he listen..?! We even had to pay a parking ticket on the donkey.. Eventually we found a small farm with animals, it was called Shady Acres and I had my baby. There were no midwives as they had not been invented and we didn’t want to go to Stiletto Flats Medical Center.

Mary – (totally unconvincing and lacklustre noises of pain) Ouch, oo, no it hurts. It is so painful. I cannot believe the pain I am in. Oh no, ouch, ouch. Please no more. This childbirth is terrible..

Joseph - (watching TV) Shut up, don't be so noisy, I’m watching God TV Christmas special..

Mary - oo, the baby is coming (pulls cushion out from under top and throws it to the side.. Pause.. Mary & Joseph look nervously at each other. Someone rushes on and gives Mary a toy dog wrapped up in a towel instead)

Mary - look it's a baby, who’s a coochy woochy little babywaby then.. (makes a lot of baby noises at the 'baby')

Joseph – (gets up and looks at Mary). Why are you making those funny noises? It’s not a baby, it’s a toy dog.. Why are you playing with a toy dog?

Mary – shh, no it isn’t a toy dog you fool, it’s a real baby (whacks Joseph)

Joseph – Ow, I mean, isn't she lovely..

Mary - (whispers) He!

Joseph – (realises mistake, looks up nervously). I mean, wow, isn't he lovely..

Mary – (steps forward). One day some shepherds came to visit. (Steps back)

Shepherd - (With towel over head. Makes ‘mooo’ noises..)

(Mary runs over to Joseph and whispers). Joseph realizes mistake and starts making ‘baaa’ noises). Shh, be quiet Shawn.. Shawn, stay there.. (pretending to talk to Shawn the sheep). I am a shepherd. Of sheep that go ‘baa’ not ‘moo’. I have travelled from, uh, the desert, and shizz. I saw an angel and I thought I was hallucinating from Jeff's mulled wine. But I wasn’t. He said, “Go to see a Saviour born in a crib in Bethlehem.” So here I am. I don’t have any gifts because I have forgotten them because I am a man.. Baaa.. Shh! Shawn..

Mary – this is Jesus (pointing to baby). He is the Saviour of the world.

Shepherd – (long pause, they look at each other nervously as if they don't know what to say next). I see. He is a nice baby. (Long pause. Then shepherd walks off).

Mary – (steps forward). And then some wise people came along. They were called wise men, because they were wise. (steps back). Hello wise man.

Wise Man – (walks on wearing wise hat - a bit of paper with the words, 'Wise man' written on. It is upside down). We are wise men.. I mean I am a wise man. (Impersonates a geek). The square root of 4 is 2..

Mary - What was the first player to score a hat-trick in the world cup called?

Wise Man – (Impersonates a geek). I can tell you that Bert Patenaude was the first player to score a hat-trick in a World Cup match, on 19 July 1930 against Paraguay. However there is some controversy, because some people say that Patenaude scored 2 goals and the other was an own goal, in fact we could say that the first hat trick was scored by Argentinian Guillermo Stabile..

Mary – Shh! Which verses in the Bible say that 3 wise men visited baby Jesus?

Joseph – I am very wise and I have again searched google.israel for the answer to this one. (Impersonates a geek). We only assume that there were three wise men because of the three gifts that were given: gold, incense, and myrrh – so says Matthew 2:11. However, the Bible does not say there were three wise men. Additionally, it is doubtful that the wise men visited Jesus immediately after his birth. In fact, the wise men came months (or possibly as much as two years) later, when Joseph and Mary had settled in Nazareth..

Mary – Er, yes, anyway…

Wise Man – I come bearing 3 gifts.. an Xbox One, an iPhone 7 and a TomTom GPS.. (Mary shakes her head). I mean, gold, frankincense, and myrrh.. Funny gifts really. Gold is the gift for a king; incense, the gift for a priest; and myrrh, a burial ointment as a gift for one who would die.

Both Together – (say together, but out of time with one another) and that is the Christmas story of how Jesus was born.

(Both look cheesily at audience, then both curtsy)

---E N D---

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The ICC and those who get it wrong

The ICC is a great event and it's just a shame that we don't get to attend as often as we like. But every time we DO attend, we know one particular thing will go wrong... because that one particular thing ALWAYS goes wrong. And it's because of cofusion caused by the name of the conference itself:
The International Conference of Crime
Somewhat understandably, criminals think it's a conference for them. The name of the event should probably be "The International Conference of Crime Prevention" or "The International Conference of Crime Fighting" but the ICC spent a lot of money on a professionally designed logo...

The mistake made by evil-doers is only somewhat understandable because it's an annual conference and you'd think they'd figure it out after years and years of showing up and immediately being out of their element. Nope.
Besides, their logo looks like this...
International Conference For Criminals
And is held here...

Here are some of the dopes that showed up at the ICC again this year, who show up every year, and were immediately dispatched (as they are every year).
Solly Murtaugh
Every year, Solly shows up hoping to meet a vendor at the trade show who sells non-opaque pantyhose that he can use as a mask to hide his identity while he commits armed stick-ups. This year, he actually wore the tights (that he buys at Lane Bryant) to the conference itself. Behind him you see crime fighters who were reluctant to apprehend him out of his misery because they were in line for free coozies being given out by one of the security vendors. Makes sense because those things keep a beverage so cold!

Harv & Murray
Every year, these clowns show up, looking for child-proofing seminars. Of course, they never find such a thing and wind up falling down the stairs or into an empty elevator shaft or somehow getting smacked in the head with paint cans. Less criminals than insurance liability nightmares.

Alejandro Aha (aka Idea Man)
This guy will sit patiently through any number of presentations and discussions, until (what he thinks is) the perfect moment to jump and exclaim, "And THAT'S when we kill them!" Credible or not, a threat is a threat.

Monday, December 5, 2016


More often than not, The Unbelievables don't wait for things to happen. We make things happen.

But, in this particular case, we were glad to have waited for the opportunity.

The International Conference of Crime (The ICC) rears its head to gather some of the best crime fighting groups and individuals from around the globe. It's an interesting get-together, sporadically appearing at various times and never at the same time of year or location. With a mere month's notice of any of the conferences, not all champions of defense and do-goodery are able to make the event. Or are offered an invite for that matter.

This year was one of the times our calendar allowed us to attend.

The ICC is a series of meet and greets, sit downs, interactive workshops and more centered on quashing the actions of ne'er-do-wells and their malfeasance. The three-day affair also hosts a lavish end-of-conference dinner which is one of the highlights of the event, complete with special emphasis on those in attendance who have gone above and beyond in their efforts to put misconduct in its place.

Of course, The Unbelievables - with all our globetrotting adventures - we're keynote speakers. We were afforded the opportunity to call out some of our most daring adventures, much to the delight of all those in attendance.

The quiet before the storm:
A glimpse of one of the lecture rooms an hour prior to our Unbelieva-Fu® lecture.

We even got to head up a panel featuring our signature Unbelieva-Fu® methods of discipline ... which, as it turned out, blossomed into a surprise threesome of lectures because of its popularity. (Bonus: We have a hefty amount of new orders for our Kickin' Jeans with DiamondCrotch® technology.)

Plus, we devoted a minute on some of the Matt Damon / Jason Bourne film consultations.
Doesn't hurt to showcase a high point or two every now and again.

Needless to say, with our highlighted attendance, The ICC was a smashing proceeding this year ...

Me and Stevie Nicks in the midst of an Unbelieva-Fu® session.
Yes, long ago Stevie signed up for some personal one-on-one instruction.
I was happy to oblige ...
... but it wasn't without a few instances of drama.

Clark and Jeff will fill you in on a couple of those points later in the week.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Game boys!

The guys have done such a great job of listing so many of the great features of The Unbelievables video game that I can't believe they forgot one of the very best ones: YOU can put YOURSELF into the game!

Simply upload a picture of your face:

Apply a filter, if you like (optional):
Choose a body style:




And you're ready to go, a virtual Unbelieveable saving a virtual world from all manner of virtual villainy!