Friday, September 23, 2016

TVOD



Despite the obvious shoddiness and overall uninspired scripts we've seen, replete with sad, poor imitations of our snappy selves in gutterball roles, there were one or two we found amusing. If only the production companies would have come forward and asked us for help or permission or even a piece of the action for the use of our likenesses, we might have given our blessing. (Doubtful but ... you know ...)

Alternatively we found it necessary to sic our legal representation after them, The Law Offices of Poon, headed by our go-to buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon, advisor extraordinaire.


Our pal, Chung S. Poon

(To date, and because of Mr. Poon's legal wrangling, we've seized the ideas for those few that have potential. Developed properly, they could see the light of day ... but under our watchful eyes only.)

Clark said it Monday: Television had a very specific cycle back in the day. Now? Not so much. But put a couple spiffy ideas out there featuring The Unbelievables - not recycled, reconstituted drivel but thoughtful, interesting, engaging sitcoms or dramas or the like - and television could be brought back to its glory days of old.

Instead? Well ... you've seen some of the examples earlier this week. To wrap up the week, I'm offering a couple more which necessitated cease and desist letters. A few even went so far as to interest a couple prominent production studios which, in turn, ordered pilots. (Don't ask which ones. Let your mind go wild.)



"Frank" ... ??? Who's Frank?

Uhmmm ... no.

The bi-line on this one?
"And how to get around those pesky child labor laws."
Wow.

The original title on this one was
"Look! Up In The Sky! Stargazing with 3 Guys Somewhere in Nevada"
Guess they wanted to go with the more straightforward title ...

This one was supposed to be a one hour after-school special one-shot.

Almost makes you want to give up television all together ... doesn't it?

Still ... that Unbelievababes one Jeff mentioned doesn't sound too shabby ...



Wednesday, September 21, 2016

TV - The Same Old Same Old

Those lousy TV companies. They just want to make a fast buck off of our good name, uncopyrighted as it may be. We don't get consulted. Not even so much as a Post-It note stuck on the mailman's heel.

Just last week one of our celebrity moles (who shall for security purposes remain nameless but will doubtless be familiar to millions as a lifeguard or the owner of a talking car) alerted us to three new shows currently in the planning stages. Clearly they are based on our lifestyle and status as crimefighters, and at the same time shameless ripoffs of old TV shows that were unfeasibly popular.

Here they are in all their plagiaristic glory:

1)

Three FBI agents (named Noble, Brooks, and the enigmatic Mr. Hickmott) are investigating a series of unexplained occurrences while accompanied by various scantily-clad ladies.(Hello, ladies!!) Also stars Pauly Shore. Hmmm.

2)

Three retired playboy crimefighters named Jesse Cough-Lecher,  Jeff Eco-Fletcher and Jerry Kofeletzer move to a quiet town in New England where they begin to solve murder mysteries in under an hour, accompanied by a bevy of scantily-clad ladies.(Hello, ladies!!!) Also starring Willie Aames.

3)
They'll be there for you.
Three hot women (Hello, ladies!!) who enjoy jumping in fountains share a New York apartment above a coffee shop, in the company of their three butt-kicking crimefighter boyfriends - Jeff, the tall nerdy shlub, Michael, the aspiring actor who loves sandwiches (with his cheeky catchphrase "What's up, ladies!") and Clark, the wisecracking penpusher who, uh, cracks wise. Like, all the time. Also stars Fred Stoller. I actually kinda like the sound of this one.

More on Friday!

Monday, September 19, 2016

The trouble with television

Well, it's fall. Maybe not officially, not yet, but the kids are back in school and Halloween decorations are in the stores, so...

Remember when TV had a very specific cycle? New shows came out in September. The ones that failed were replaced in January or February and by summer, all the new episodes of every show had been exhausted and it was nothing but re-runs. Things are different now. Networks put out shows whenever they want and many of them will go on hiatus right in the middle of the season. They still put out new shows in September but it's not nearly as big a deal as it used to be.

Another thing that happens every year is the networks try (and fail) to incorporate us into new TV shows. Not The Unbelievables® as a recognized entity, because branding is expensive, but me, Jeff and Michael as characters within these shows. I'm also not talking about lame parodies that portray us in a less-than-flattering fashion. These are standard, cookie-cutter shows taken from tried and tired templates. They try to make just enough changes to keep us (as well as TV industry professionals) from suing them, but we know it's us. Thankfully, our legal eagles get involved somehow and stop them before they ever get on the air. We don't own the rights to the names Clark, Jeff and Michael, unfortunately. For that matter, we don't even own the rights to the word 'Unbelievable', if you can believe that (I can't), so it's an ongoing struggle.

It might not be a problem if these shows weren't so shoddy and terrible.

Here's an example from just one of the crappy shows that they tried to launch this year...

OPEN ON THE MICHAEL FAMILY EATING BREAKFAST

MICHAEL: (cough, cough)
MICHAEL'S WIFE: What's wrong, honey?
MICHAEL: I don't know. I suddenly don't feel very good.
JEFF: Nasty cough there, buddy. Sure hope it's not cancer, because I'm your brother-in-law! Haw haw!
JEFF'S WIFE: Jeff! That's an awful thing to say!
JEFF: Sorry, honey. Just joking.
MICHAEL: I hope it's just a joke. I don't have nearly enough money saved for my family if something happens to me!
(Phone rings)
MICHAEL'S WIFE: Hello? Yes, he's here. Who's this? Oh. Okay. Hang on.
MICHAEL: Who is it, honey?
MICHAEL'S WIFE: It's Jesse Clarkman, that derelict former student of yours. I don't care for him.
MICHAEL: No wonder, what with us having an impressionable teenage son on crutches.
JEFF: Don't forget your wife is pregnant, because you had sex with her! Haw haw!
JEFF'S WIFE: Jeff!
JEFF: Sorry, honey.
MICHAEL: I'll get rid of him. (takes phone) What do you want, Clarkman?
CLARKMAN: Yo, Mr. Michael, you wanna help me launch an elite team of fashionable crime fighters? I sorta know how but I make poor decisions and am generally kinda dim. I could use some help from a pseudo-father figure. We could make lots of money, if that's something you think you might need in the immediate future, bitch.
MICHAEL: Hmmmm...
CLARKMAN: You can let your brother-in-law be part of it, but maybe don't clue him all the way in for a few years, yo. Also, try to keep it a secret from your bitch as long as possible, bitch.
MICHAEL: Never call here again, you damn dirty juvenile delinquent! (whispering) I'll meet you at the fast food restaurant in 20 minutes (hangs up and puts on silly-yet-somehow- menacing porkpie hat).

See what I mean? Awful.
That's just one example. The guys will have more for you later this week.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Top Tips To Improve Your Life


Hey kids, here's a few ways to improve your quality of life. You're welcome, by the way.

1. Mentally prepare your kids for Game Of Thrones by ending every children's book with "and then he died."


2. Make your alcoholism seem more sophisticated by drinking malt liquor from a brandy balloon.


3. Save money on expensive coconut milk by simply adding a shot of Malibu to a glass of semi-skimmed.


4. Make back all the money you've spent on Botox by entering Poker tournaments.


5. Unless you have kidnapped one, nobody cares whether or not you have a child on board.


6. Make your own mylar balloons. Simply drink the entire contents of a wine box, take out the bag and fill with helium. (By the way, this also makes an ideal pillow for when you are too drunk to go to bed).


7. When parking, avoid having your car wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and stowing them safely in the trunk.


8. Keep your buddies on their toes by packing their lunchboxes with playdough and an old alarm clock. (Thanks Clark!)


9. Mums. Attach a strip of banana peel to the bottom of your kids' shoes to enable you to tow them around the supermarket with minimal effort.


So there you have it. I'm sure you'll find those handy hints extremely useful in your daily lives. Now then - as you were. Carry on.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

A Top Tip on one specific topic

Hi folks!
We see a lot of people expressing frustration regarding the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election. Small wonder, considering how bitterly contentious the whole thing is. Many people are at wits end how to deal with friends and family members who have different opinions and how they express themselves, specifically how to keep themselves from losing their own minds when interacting with those friends and family members, possibly damaging or even ending their relationships.
We understand. It's tricky.
Here's what you should do, presented in a classic Q and A-style format:

Q: How do I talk to my diametrically opposed (father/mother/brother/co-worker/cellmate) about political issues?
A: Don't.

Q: But...?
A: No. Don't.

Q: Yeah, but...
A: Nope.

Q: But I have to...
A: Stop it. Just stop. Listen, for the sake of this Top Tip, we're assuming you're not the one taking the idiotic side in whatever argument you feel you have to have. You need to know that there's a solid 50% chance that assumption is utterly incorrect. It doesn't matter. Keeping your mouth shut allows you to take the high ground and the mantle of superiority that comes with being "right". Congratulations! You win!

Q: Okay, okay. But my (uncle/aunt/sister/pawnbroker/side-piece) is wrong! I need them to understand that and change their minds. How do I do that?
A in the form of some Qs: Do you hear yourself? Did you not just read what I said about there being a 50% chance that you're an idiot? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Do you even know, within $20, how much money is in your checking account right now? What exactly establishes you as any kind of authority on anything? Do you really think you should be trying to influence another human being in any way whatsoever?

Q: Hey, I have not only a right but a moral obligation to speak out on issues I feel are important!
A: Please submit your Q in the from of a Q.

Q: Sorry. Don't I have not only a right but a moral obligation to speak out on issues I feel are important?
A: Of course you do.

Q: So...?
A: Your grandfather/grandmother/cousin/hairdresser/squatter-living-behind-the-shed-in-your-backyard has the same rights and obligations to disagree with you as they see fit. Even if you're 100% not the idiot. Ultimately, the Q you may be forced to ask is which is more important to you, being right or preserving these relationships as they currently exist? Because it may not be possible to have both. But if that is what you want, please refer back to the A to the first Q in this thread.

You're welcome!

Monday, September 12, 2016

It's Time For More Top Tips!



Wow! Those Unbelievable "Life Hacks" were stupendous, weren't they?

Of course they were! We don't put valuable information out there like that just to slog useless trivia around, you know! We're all about helping you, Mr. and Mrs. J.Q Public, because that's the sort of guys The Unbelievables are. You're welcome, folks!

That being said, why not segue from last week into a feature we haven't done in quiet some time? That's right ... it's time for more Unbelievable Top Tips!

Bonus: All photos following come from my personal collection of shutter clicks!* Lucky you!


Let's get on with it, shall we?

Top Tip #1


If you have an opinion and you're going to "put it out there" do so with passion and flair. Of course you can be a bit boastful and daring (nothing wrong with that) but you don't have to be a jerk about it. Example? This shirt. It expresses your opinion perfectly without forcing anyone to agree with it. It's your opinion after all.

Go ahead. Wave that freak flag ...

Top Tip #2
 

It's a given: Ball pits rock. I don't care if you're 3 or 83, jumping into one elicits a kind of euphoric high.

But if the fabric is peeling material, it's been repaired with duct tape, has worn and torn sides and appears in general disrepair like the one above? You may want to think twice before taking a flying leap into it.

Because ... germs. Viruses. Pathogens. Necrotising faciitis (more commonly known as flesh eating disease). *ewwww*

Top Tip #3


You decide to open a restaurant. Good for you. You devise a menu along with a takeout version for the on-the-go consuming public. Super.

The tip? Do yourself a favor: Proof that menu. 

Don't be like the Grand China Chinese Cuisine joint above. Your "fowl" selections shouldn't be showcased with "foul" screaming at you. You don't need to advertise to your customers their choice will be "served tou (sic) you on a hot plate." Resist the temptation to force them into the belief "you will enjoy" the food. Of course they'll enjoy it! You're not serving crappy food, right?

Top Tip #4
 

Again, proofing is all important. I don't know about other parts of the world, but I'm pretty certain there's no one on Planet Earth who doesn't meet the kind of height requirement detailed on this placard.

Top Tip #5*


Reward yourself for the small things as well as the big ones. Don't short change yourself. You deserve it. And doing so works wonders on your day to day attitude.

Top Tip #6
 

*sigh*

I can't stress enough how important it is to have things you advertise to the public spelled and punctuated properly.

There's enough boneheads in the world. You don't need to contribute to their number.

Top Tip #7
 

Repairs to everyday things you use are worth your time and effort.

Toggle bolts to keep your headlamps attached to your vehicle? Uhmmmm ... no.

Top Tip #8
 

You have a Starbucks coffee Jones that hits you like a ton of bricks every weekday morning ... twice on weekends. I understand. You enjoy paying $8.00 for a half-carafe, salted soy venti (or whatever the hell their goofy sizes call out).

No matter your craving or need, there's no excuse to park like you've never taken a driver's exam because you simply have to get into the establishment and order that beverage. Your coffee Jones isn't that much of a beast.

Top Tip #9


People? No welding wheels to your car. Ever.

Top Tip #10


The packaging face clearly states "10" wide face for complete coverage." I wonder: How wide does one have to be in order for a faucet to facilitate one's girth?

Honestly: You don't need to contribute to water waste. Leave things like this on the shelves and - with a little luck - manufactures will discontinue creating such monstrosities.

Top Tip #11
 

I don't care who you are, you can't be too safe out there.

Like this guy ... who obviously felt the need to wear a safety helmet on board a recent flight I was on. (I was curious and almost asked him about his need for headwear ... but decided otherwise. To each his own.)

Top Tip #12
 

Really, there are few better tips than this ... right?

More Top Tips later in the week form Clark and Jeff! Stay tuned!

*The only Top Tip image not personally captured by me. But it illustrates the particular tip perfectly.


Friday, September 9, 2016

Life hack: It's gotta be the shoes!

It's hard to do anything if you're not comfortable, especially when it comes to your feet. That's why shoes are of utmost importance to The Unbelievables. Specifically, these shoes:
Classic
But the shoes have to fit the task at hand, don't they? Of course they do. Don't ever ask such a stupid question ever again in your whole life. I bet you think we all have huge shoe closets full of different kind of shoes for all the different things we do, don't you. Wow, you really are a stupid one, aren't you?
There are no dumb questions, just dumb you.
No, we're The Unbelievables. We don't have time to manage all kinds of closet spaces. We also don't have time to lug around umpteen pairs of shoes, based on what may or may not happen when we get where we're going. No, we each own one pair of shoes. These shoes:
But faster than you can say "What are those??", we can simply tap a button on the remote control unit we carry in our pants pocket and the shoes convert to this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or any number of footwear options.

"Wow", you're saying. "You have convertible shoes. How underwhelming." To which I reply, maybe you'd be best suited by keeping your big, dumb mouth shut at this point.
Much better!
You underestimate our shoes at your own peril. Because check out all the special features available in ANY configuration:

  1. Get Places Somewhere® locator system ("GPS" for short)
  2. Fax machine
  3. Emergency ration of beef jerky
  4. Laser
  5. USB port
  6. Back-up camera
  7. Retractable wheels
  8. Griddle cooking surface
  9. Machine gun
  10. Rape whistle
  11. Rope
  12. Retractable multi-blades