Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The (Not So Nice) Return Of Negative Charge

*ding dong* rang the doorbell at The Unbelieva-base.

Flipping on the security monitor Jeff saw no one. There was a note left, however. He retrieved it, opened it and read it.

"No more Mr. Niceguy. My days of consideration are long past. This time I mean business."

"Guys? Someone's up to something ..." Jeff called out to us.

Suddenly I heard Clark swearing in the den where he was engaged in a bit of recreational television viewing. Both Jeff and I walked in on him at the same moment. 

"Looks like things might get interesting," Jeff noted. "Look at this note we just got." I took it and read it. 

"Television's on the fritz for some reason," Clark muttered while I scanned the note.

"This is it?" I asked Jeff. "Who's it from?"

Jeff shrugged. "No clue. Oh ... wait. There's something else." He pulled out a card tucked in the corner of the envelope. "Uh oh. Uh ... Clark? I have a feeling the television's going to be out of commission for some time ..."

Jeff showed the card to Clark and I:

Friday, January 13, 2017

A different approach to this Eva Longoria situation

A tough nut to crack

That's when I had THIS idea:
ME: "Hey, if we can't get this Eva chick to play ball, let's try her husband! Maybe he'll be more reasonable on account of he's a dude."
JEFF: " Her husband? You mean media mogul José “Pepe” Bastén?

ME: "Uh, no. I mean the man she's married to."
MICHAEL: "Oh, do you mean her ex-husband, Tony Parker the San Antonio Spurs point guard?"

ME: "What? No!"
JEFF: "Her first husband, Tyler Christopher who is best known for his role as Nikolas Cassadine and Connor Bishop on the ABC soap opera General Hospital?"

ME: "Where are you guys getting these crazy names from? I'm talking about her husband, Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria!"
JEFF: "... She isn't married to him."
ME: "Of course she is. They have basically the same name."
MICHAEL: "Jeff's right. He is not Eva Longoria's husband."
ME: "Okay, well, her brother then. Whatever."
JEFF: "They're not related! At all!"
ME: "Come on. With their names being that close? What, is that some kind of coincidence."
MICHAEL: "Yeah. That's exactly what a coincidence is, actually. 'Oh look, things that are unrelated just happen to share some similar characteristics. What a coincidence!' What a huge waste of time!"
ME: "Oh."
JEFF: "Yeah. So now what?"
ME: "Maybe we can sue her?"

Hey, at least I tried!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Mission: Eva

Uhm ... no.

"When you are three cool, stylish, butt-kicking, no-nonsense crimefighters with wicked moves and sweet wheels like we are, it's inevitable that some unscrupulous character is gonna try and steal your mojo in order to make a quick cynical buck or five."

Being suave and stylish has its drawbacks, folks.

And that can only mean one thing: The holidays, peaceful as they were, are behind us and the start of the new year brings unwanted shenanigans. (Hokay ... that's two things. Work with me here.)

Who would have ever thought we'd have Eva Longoria to contend with going into January? Not me. And not any of the guys.

So, I was on the phone to The Law Offices of Poon lickety split. New Year pleasantries were exchanged with our buddy Chung Poon, our our crackerjack attorney at law, then it was down to business.

"Guys ... you don't really have a leg to stand on. It's not like Eva's swiping your image or your sense of style. Not even close. She's riding the coattails of Selleck's once-popular show. The only thing you two have in common is the word 'Unbelievable' ... that's it. If she used 'The UnbeliEVAbles' that would be a different story all together. I could slap here with some infringement jabs. But, as it stands, you've got nothing. And I'm sure you don't want to get underhanded about this. It's not worth it. Let it drop ..."

"I think you're underestimating her, Chung." I countered. "You're forgetting she has an ulterior motive: To reveal specific Unbelievables' trade secrets."

"You have proof of that?" Chung asked. "Because if not, it's still pointless to pursue. And even if that is her intention, the best thing you can do is let her trip up. Then I can pin something on her."

Naturally, the guys and I were disappointed. The last thing we wanted was this dim bulb shining any kind of disparaging light our way.

And that's when Clark came up with the following idea ...

Monday, January 9, 2017

Not Cool

You may recall some time ago when we told you all about our run-in with Magnum, PI. In case you've forgotten, click here.

So imagine our chagrin when we heard via that most reliable organ, The Sun (Britain's finest comic newspaper) that our dealings with Magnum are far from over.

Ohh yes.

Eva Longoria.

This goof.

I mean. Come on!

We fought for over seven years to get rid of Magnum. And now this daft bint wants to dredge up all our secrets again!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, look at the name of her production company! UnbeliEVAble. I mean, are you taking the piss, lady, or what!?

Looks like another job for the Poons.

Monday, December 19, 2016

"Away In Some Danger" or "No Crib For The Lead (bullets, that is)"

Hi readers!
Once again, we, The Unbelievables, are taking some time away from blogging about our thrilling exploits to have actual thrilling exploits. This is kind of a holiday tradition in itself. Whether it's parties or parti-cipation in some other adventures, we need time at this time of every year to do stuff.

Okay, I'll be honest, it might be more than a couple of parties.
It might be a lot of parties.
It'll be mostly parties.
It's all parties.
That doesn't mean that we won't be foiling the dastardly plans of evil-doers; it's just more likely that our activities will be heavily focused on mistletoe and not missles.

At any rate, we'll be back, January 9th-ish with all new, tried-and-true tales of derring do.
In the meantime...

Friday, December 16, 2016

No more curtain calls for this Unbelievable

I'll admit it, I fell in love with the theatuh. As usual, I did so much too quickly. What can I say, I'm impulsive. All it took to get me to commit to it was the realization that plays are just movies for people who don't have television sets. That, and the fact that you get your own chair and I was hooked.
I figured my experience as an expert crime fighting security expert with The Unbelievables would translate to instant success. However, there was a bit of a learning curve. Turns out blocking a stage production doesn't necessarily require someone watching all exits or positioning snipers. Also, the antagonists in a production are often portrayed by people just pretending to be bad, who don't merit a severe butt-kicking.
But I'm all out of cookies!
With the help of U.D.O.L.T.S, seasoned and talented actors all, we ironed out the rough spots and put on a pretty great production of Jeff's adaptation of A Christmas Carol. Unfortunately, I was unable to find roles for Jeff and Michael. But that was because I had already cast so many great actors. Virtually every part was played by multiple performers. And that's because my greatest weakness as a director is the inability to turn anyone down who comes out to audition.
Overly ambitious? Perhaps. But I would much rather commit a noble failure than...whatever the opposite of that is.
So I'm retiring and the show is closing after just one presentation, mostly because there just isn't enough parking to accommodate cast, crew and patrons. But we recorded it for posterity and here it is. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Clark's AmDrams

One of the first things Clark did after deciding to form a theater group was to sit for hours thinking up a name for them, which in retrospect should probably have taken no more than about ten minutes. Not Clark though. After a good hour and a quarter he ran up to us, saying he'd finally reached a decision. 

Unimpressed about being disturbed like that during our badminton game Michael and I stopped for a moment nevertheless and duly listened politely. We knew what it was like when Clark was in one of his excitable periods and knew it wouldn't last too long. All we had to do was be patient with him.

"I'm calling it the Unbelievable Dramatic & Operatic Local Theatre Society." he said, pausing to allow us time to react appropriately.

"U.D.O.L.T.S?" I said, slightly alarmed. I then composed myself while Michael smirked and heard myself offer to re-write my adaptation of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens for his first production.

Next day I was approached by Clark again, this time dressed from head to foot in Victorian garb, asking for the script. I'd kept a few copies from  the time we'd done it in college and, looking at Clark, told him he looked perfect for the part of Mr. Scratchit, the clerk with barely a penny to his name, employed by Scrooge McTightwad, the protagonist of the story.

Folks in "Victorian garb".

Clark flicked through the script and enthused over it wildly.  
"This is perfect! Just the job to prove ourselves with! It shall be done!" 

Well folks, tomorrow is opening night.     

Tune in Friday to see how it all went.