Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Cookin' Good

Interesting as Jeff's Unbelieva-Babes post may be to the average reader, some might be wondering about that rather cryptic and vintage 70's menu buried near the end.

To the layman, that menu might seem a little too bland. Plain. Lackluster, even.  But, in truth, its simplicity is rather telling.

Ever been on a stakeout? Ever tailed a criminal for hundreds of miles, hour upon hour, right on into the break of day? The need to be on the move waits for no man and can foist itself upon you at any time. You think the convenience of a sit down three-course meal at 6:30 sharp on a Sunday evening is a given? Heck no ... not when you're on the sly.

Thus the reason for the selections scribed on the sheet below. Simple fare is often the norm when The Unbelievables are on the job. That cold ham grinder? Might just be the only break in a rough and tumble day of crime fighting ... and we've been grateful for it.

See that sideways scribbled "12" at the top of the page?
It's code. And no ... we can't tell you what it stands for. Sorry.

But let it be said right here and now: Those meals wouldn't be anything without the care and attention the Unbelieva-Babes put to them, regardless of their simplicity. It may say "beef pattie on bun" but, guaranteed, in the hands of the gals its anything but that.

For example ... that grinder in the picture above? Looks rather ordinary, doesn't it? You might be surprised to discover I never cared for ham sanwiches in the least. In the hands of the Unbelieva-Babes, however, that simple hoagie is something extraordinary ... to the point that even I look forward to them.

Despite a sometimes hectic schedule, 
 Jeff requires whipped potatoes on Tuesdays. Every. Tuesday.
Clark and I have decided it's best not to question it.

Yes sir, we did our homework when we hired the cuisine-savvy staff. They're anything but common hash slingers when it comes to the culinary arts. Ils sont tout simplement le meilleur! 

Now if we could only get to the bottom of why they hang around in groups of three ... 

... I mean, other than to confuse the bad guys ...

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Unbelieva-Babes

Well, you might be asking yourselves at this point (or not - I'm not a mind reader)- "These guys are such amazing butt-kicking stylish buff sexy dudes with amazing crime-fighting skills and all that - there must be hundreds of girls literally flinging themselves at their feet, right?" - and you'd be right. We do have a problem coping with all the female attention - and sometimes male attention - that at times it becomes difficult to deal with the matter at hand i.e. tracking down no-good, lousy criminal punks and giving them a piece of our mind, swiftly followed by their just desserts.

But believe it or not, through the judicious use of handy organizing devices such as these...

The wonders of modern technology.

plus a little Unbelieva-Zen, we are able to keep ourselves organised and calm.

Many of the girls that we, ahem, encounter, for want of a better phrase, become field operatives in our international network, or employees at Unbelieva-base. Oh yes, we always have time for the ladies. (Hello, ladies!) For example:

This is Greta, giving it a good buffing.

 They help us wash our cars...

Michael and Candy have taken a 'shine' to each other, eh? Note the use of rollerskates to speed up productivity.

Laura is shown here testing the new kitchen furniture and appliances for their waterproof properties by setting them up out on the lawn... and then chucking them into the lake. Don't worry, we rescued them. We managed to stop her as she was about to push the fridge in. It was all fine, and we also adopted a pet frog whom we called Ferdinand. We found him in one of the cupboards.

 They help us try out our jumpsuits...

Clark overdid it on the beard disguise, methinks.

 And they sometimes stand around in groups of three...

 to confuse bad guys.

That collar on the right is extremely sharp. And I mean sharp in all senses of the word. Take that, bad guys!

Not only that, but they have great ideas for parties. Here's Marissa with us at her 'Spray Paint 'n' Jammies' party, which was a total hoot.
The fifteen vodka and tonics beforehand were a big help.

And naturally, we like to bestow gifts on the gals to express our gratitude. Like swimwear...

Brrr! Looks a little chilly on the beach today.

and fashionable shorts.

The Unbelieva-babes (as we like to call them) are almost all fantastic cooks, which is handy for on-the-go crime-fighters like us. They make sure we never go hungry. You can't chase down evil-doers without proper nutrition! Here's a sample menu:

To my mind, you can never get enough whipped potato or cold cut grinders.

Thank you, ladies! Without you, we'd just be fabulously dressed guys, as opposed to the fabulously dressed, cool, hip, butt-kicking scourge of master criminals everywhere that we currently are. 

Even the local tennis pro, Chad "Bongo" Von Smythe III, likes us. A little bit too much, if you ask me.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Corrections & Apologies Dept.

It was recently reported on these pages that among the many weapons we have reviewed and decided against using, the 'Lobster Rage Fist' was rejected on the grounds of crustacean cruelty (see below).

However, following an emergency late-night meeting, The Unbelievables have decided to reinstate this method of defense, citing the fact that the instructional guide (see above) says neither that the lobster involved has to be (a) alive; or (b) a real lobster. The fake plastic ones are dangerously sharp on their own.

This decision has nothing whatsoever to do with whining or complaining on any member's part, although it should be noted that there was rather a lot of that.

Thank you for your time and attention.

P.S. And a big thank you goes out to the Panhandle Lobster Protection Coalition of Tahlequah, Oklahoma - you can stop emailing us now.

P.P.S. And to the Scranton, PA chapter of Duct Tape Users Anonymous - same goes for you.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Word Bombs

A dapper ne'er-do-well obviously confused by Unbelieva-Wit ®©™
I am in complete agreement with Clark: violent men we are not. That isn't our bent. Violence for violence's sake is not an all-encompassing means to an end and it never will be.

That being said, it is with a heavy heart I reiterate the Lobster Rage Fist is a thing of the past as noted by my colleague Jeff in his earlier post. (*glares in Jeff's general direction*) You'd think being a core member of The Unbelievables would come with a privilege or two ... such as knowing if a weapon or methodology was to be retired. You'd think I'd have a say in such a matter ... a vote one way or the other ... the chance to voice my opinion yay or nay as to the disposition of said defense.

But ... no.

Though, to be fair, I will admit had that ouster come up for debate, I most likely would have employed one of the most effective means at my disposal to putting the Lobster Rage Fist on the back burner, something we don't often discuss: Outwittery Through Allocution (more commonly known as Unbelieva-Wit ®©™).

Many inferior imitations of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™ have come and gone.
The original is available only through us

Yes ... through my own personal and invaluable teachings, The Unbelievables have perfected the art of oration in the use of confusing and, ultimately, detaining bad guys. (You'll be happy to know home studied courses can be yours for three easy payments of $39.99 plus a modest shipping and handling charge.)

You see, the common villain is often oafish and dim; on many occasions it's pretty easy to sidestep their evil ways by throwing a few well-placed idea or suggestion their way on why they shouldn't attempt to destroy Puerto Rico, why they shouldn't undermine the government (a futile gesture being there's not much there to undermine in the first place) or rebuff their desire to try and take over the world. Their buffonish proclivities are often ripe for exposure to the ways and means of confusion of disquisition. In several cases, it's been as easy as suggesting a villain's shoelace is untied or asking "Hey ... what's that in your pocket?" and << BAM >> we've got'em right where we want'em: Aprehendisimo.

Of course, I'm not going to conduct a discourse on the whys and wherefores of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™. For that entitlement you're just going to have to shell out those three easy payments of $39.99 plus shipping and handling (makes a great gift anytime!) and bask in the glow of studying "how we do it."

This guy? Don't worry. We're working on him.
(Can you believe he actually tried ordering
his very own copy of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™
... ???)

In conclusion? There are alternatives to violence. They're not as adrenaline-inducing as a gun or bazooka or a bartender's artificial leg, but they can be just as satisfying. And some don't work all of the time ... but it's a comfort knowing we have a bevy of options at our disposal. 

And as Clark mentioned: "... when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute."

P.S. If Jeff believes his is the final word regarding the completely awesome Lobster Rage Fist, he's got another thing comin' ... *reglares in his general direction*

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

File Under: Do Not Use

There are literally thousands of different weapons out there and dozens of different fighting styles, and we here at Unbelievables HQ pride ourselves on being able to learn the most efficient ways of utilising these weapons and skills in double-quick time. We are all fast learners and can turn our hands to new disciplines in the wink of an eye.

Being skilled with weaponry as well as having to kick bad guys' butts on a weekly basis not only keeps us in tip-top shape, but it also means that we have seen some interesting, if not wacky, guns, swords, knives and the like in our time. Some are extremely useful - others, sadly, merely look good. And there are those that are neither. Since we don't use any of the following any more, we are allowed to show them to you. Brace yourselves.

 This outsized sword is really only useful if you are a wizard or an ogre. It looks amazing, but it's so blunt you can't really do anything with it except use it as an interesting serving platter for canapes. Move over Jamie Oliver!

This one was meant to be used for when you find yourself in a tough spot and are surrounded on all sides. Trouble is, there is no way to know which barrel your last shot will come out of. The spike is the most useful bit. Looks intimidating though.

The Crazy Gun is really only for those rare occasions when showering your opponent in Silly String is preferable to giving him a good duffing-up. Better save this one for Halloween.

A menacing weapon, but rejected because the shot tended to deflect off the tip of the blade, causing a shower of sparks and not hitting the intended target. High-class junk.

The Nerf Gator Gun. Speechless.

The multi-rubberband gun looks insane, but is only good for prancing around in a frock coat on a hillside.

A stupid knife based on a cricket bat. Better off to use an actual cricket bat.

Cpl. Baker with an invention of his own, the chainmachinegunsaw. We rejected this one, unsurprisingly, on the grounds that we could hurt ourselves by simply starting it up.

Not really sure what this is. Next!

At first glance we quite liked the sword/cane, but dropped it for two reasons: First, old people kept picking it up and taking it home by mistake, and secondly, because taking one of these suckers through TSA checkpoints is nigh impossible without certain uncomfortable questions being raised.

Effective, but cruel to crustaceans.

The ring-gun. Difficult to operate without blowing your finger off.

The blunder-axe. Looks great, but the recoil can be deadly.

I don't think that's strictly legal for huntin' deer, Bubba.

Ummm... not sure where this pic came from. Guys? any ideas?

This is one weapon we kept, but only for use at parties. You can use it for bagels, donuts, mini-pizzas and pineapple rings.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Weapons of choice

While we do not consider ourselves violent men and certainly don't condone violence as the first and foremost means of resolving a conflict, the fact of the matter is the best way to finish a fight is to win it. It would be nice to say that The Unbelievables are able to handle things the way we do simply because we are the men that we are. That's almost entirely true but in some cases, were we to enter a fight totally unarmed, there exists a slight mathematical possibility that we could lose. We're not men who leave things to chance. As a result, we devote a great deal of ongoing training to mastering weapons systems.

All weapons can be sorted into one of the following four categories:
  1. Shooting - Pistol, rifle, bow and arrow, etc.
  2. Cutting/stabbing - Knife, ax, sword, bayonets affixed to an empty rifle, arrow that has fallen on the ground, etc.
  3. Hitting - Club, empty pistol, empty rifle, beer bottle, whiskey bottle, vodka bottle, rum bottle, cognac bottle, bartender's artificial leg (we used to get in a lot of fights at bars), etc.
  4. Exploding - Bomb, grenade, artillery, rifle with dynamite stuffed down the barrel, etc.
Each of us are masters in all four categories, but we still have our own personal favorites. Mine is the sword. Don't get me wrong, guns are a lot of fun and when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute.

However, I much prefer swords to guns. Guns are loud and clumsy. Swords are more elegant and graceful. The "BANG-BANG-BANG" of a gun fight is like the self-indulgent drum solo during a heavy metal performance. By comparison, the "Schiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you pull the sword from your scabbard to the "tink-tink-ka-tink" of blade-against-blade during a duel to the eventual "YAAAARRRGH!!" of your opponent screaming while spitting up blood after you've stabbed him in the stomach makes a sword fight more like a beautiful symphony. Granted, a beautiful symphony that ends with someone drowning in their own blood, but that's always going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Simply put, a sword is the gentleman's weapon; guns are for brutish goons.

But that's just me. To each their own. Like I said, the three of us are weapon masters in all classifications, but we still have our own personal preferences.

"Michael's right, these hats are ridiculous. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Thank you, Jeff. What do they have to do with swords anyway?"
"Oh, shut up, both of you. These hats are bad ass."
I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in on their favorites and the reasons behind them. Meanwhile, I'm off for a fencing lesson with 2012 Olympic gold medal winner Elisa Di Francisca (she's showing tremendous promise!)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Something's Not Right: Case Closed (An Unbelievables Follow-Up)

Whoomp! There it is!

Yes ... The Unbelievables can carve another notch in their bedpost (metaphorically speaking) when it comes to cases closed.

And this win really needs to go to Jeff and his brilliant shout out of our allies Dynamo, Paul McKenna and Derren Brown.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of letting the bad guys know who they're going up against that sends them running.

In Professor Rob Ott's case, maybe it was the video of Dynamo traipsing across the Thames which got to him ... perhaps it was the shame he might have felt at indirectly being called "fat" by McKenna ... or maybe it was simply Brown's steely stare (with eyes shooting lasers) that elicited icy fear within him.

No matter the reason, a non-descript white envelope marked "The Unbelievables - Please Read" was left at our headquarters yesterday from Ott that relinquished any and all world domination tendencies he might have been seeking. The key words he used that widened our eyes upon reading the note? Shockingly, they were "I'm sorry."

You see ... villains never say "I'm sorry." Never ever. They could give a rat's ass if you know they're sorry or otherwise. They'd just as soon cackle evilly to your face than apologize. As a matter of fact, we haven't seen anything quite like this before in our crime fighting-history.

While were happy Ott has backed off his dastardly doings, we clearly are able to read between the lines. Ott's apology is simply a way for him to recede into the shadows and regroup to figure out how to combat what he cannot possibly overcome in the end: The Unbelievables' hefty arsenal of ammunition.

So ... with a simple "Case: Closed" we tuck this file into our cabinet, confident in the knowledge it isn't everyday we need to put on our best duds and enact mayhem upon creeps, quashing their public-threatening, selfish ways.

America? You're welcome.

P.S. Jodie Foster? We've seen to it she's getting the care she needs after her little Golden Globe tirade, induced by Ott's machinations. Rumor has it she's back on track and considering a couple high-profile scripts for her reintroduction back into the Hollywood fold. (Thankfully, the words "electric" and "boogaloo" are NOT in the titles of said scripts.

P.P.S. For shits and giggles, we decided to send a thank you to Ott in response to his considerate note ... and we included a copy of the Dynamo issue of Beano because we know this would strike an icy spike of fear in him. (When it comes to super villains, it's not enough to stick it to them - you've got to add a little twist for emphasis ...)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Something's Not Right - Act III

Yes indeed, something is definitely not right in Tinseltown. Clark has already let you all know about the re-emergence of Rob Ott (who now prefers to be known as Professor Rob Ott) and his cohort Holly Graham, whose alias, it can now be revealed, is that of one Anna McTronic, an ex-star pupil of Ott.

When Clark says it seems that Ott and McTronic have kidnapped all of Hollywood  he has hit the nail on the head. Almost. It seems that some glitterati have escaped their snares, and have actually been savvy enough to come to us, the Unbelievables, for assistance. A couple of them are on the horn to us right now, as I write this, spilling everything they know about these special-effects fiends - locations, methods, how they avoided capture, the lot.

What is their purpose? Who knows. But I betcha dollars to donuts it's got something to do with the age-old 'taking over the world' thing. I know Professor Rob Ott has sworn vengeance on Disney, but using all of Hollywood? If you only wanted to bring down Disney you wouldn't have to go to such great lengths. Nope, I'm pretty convinced that once Hollywood fell under the spell of Ott and McTronic they would be brainwashed. Brainwashed into doing and saying things they wouldn't normally do in order to influence the younger generation, who in turn will become an unstoppable army, marching on Washington, kicking out all the politicos (actually, we can kinda get behind that one), launching missiles willy-nilly and bringing about the Rob Ott Apocalypse. Now that we gotta stop.

But how are they brainwashing the stars? How is it that giants, legends even, such as Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood and Keanu Reeves are finding themselves under the Rob Ott influence? Simple. 

They have working for them the following people: Kreskin, Uri Geller, David Blaine, David Copperfield, Banachek and Max Maven (the man with the best goatee ever, I mean you gotta see this thing!)

With these six hypnotists at his disposal he has made short work of the entire Hollywood community. But have no fear folks. We Unbelievables are equally well-prepared to un-hypnotise the stars, for we have three, count'em, three big guns in our arsenal (aside from all the big guns in our arsenal, if you know what I mean - but that's a story for another time) - Derren Brown, Paul McKenna and Dynamo!

Dynamo, as you may be aware, is not only capable of performing illusions that make you go "What the...?" on a daily basis (such as walking across the Thames),

 but has also been the subject of a comic strip himself, making him practically a superhero in my book.

Paul McKenna is able to convince people to be better than they already are by the use of auto suggestion and neurolinguistics, and his books are runaway bestsellers.

And Derren Brown is able to control people's minds, pure and simple.

So with these guys on our side, we should have this whole thing wrapped up by next week. Right guys?