Wednesday, July 30, 2014

A Hive Of Scum And Villainy part 2

It's true, getting away to San Diego once a year to frolic with the Comic Con folks is pretty much his thang. What he doesn't know is that Jeff and I planned to show up and surprise him there this year. That scheme ran into a couple of snags though.
First, I got to town and talked my way into an extra key to his hotel suite at the impossibly posh San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium. I changed into a perfect and brilliant disguise and went to his room. However, when I got there, I found a would-be assassin lying in wait. Tsk. As Unbelievables, there's never a time when we're truly safe from ne'er do-wells. Anyway, thanks to the top-notch security system at the San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium, I'm able to show you exactly how I took care of the situation.
If you think that was wacky, just wait until you hear Jeff's story!

Monday, July 28, 2014

A Hive Of Scum And Villainy

Want to know where one of the world's most dangerous pantheons of deviousness resides? Where hundreds of ne'er-do-wells and schemers who wish to put the "bad" in badness meet up?

Beautiful San Diego, California.

In mid-July at the southern tip of the state smack dab in the middle of "America's Finest City" there's a little shindig known as Comic-Con International which showcases a festival of all things geek in nature.

Originally fueled at its core by the once lowly comic book, Comic-Con has morphed over the years into a spectacle welcoming dork interests, nerd attractants and cosplay weirdos for years. And it's really played up to television and film promotion in the last 10 showings, too. Enough hype to fill your wazoo, enough private parties to choke a horse, enough panels and detailed workshops and art shows to please any passerby. Add it all up and you have a 4-day orgy that brings out the heretofore socially stunted contingent of the world's population in unparalleled numbers.

But ...

Comic-Con isn't just for the geeky fan or casual observer. Oh, no.

Underneath it all is a not-so-secret playground for the criminal element, where bad guys glean ideas for new and innovative monkey business to foist on an unsuspecting public. Where they blueprint their next nefarious plan for world domination. Where they can hobnob and rub elbows with other fiends to network their skills and knowledge. Simply for the benefit of their over-sized delusions of grandeur.

Yep. Comic-Con. Bad people's paradise. 

Let me show you some examples, both brilliant and ... well, not so brilliant of their work:

Some wannabee villains think an unsuspecting public will fall for just about anything ...

Ummmmm ... no.

Clearly an aged and underhanded baddie who just doesn't know when to call it quits.
(As evidenced by her "cleverly disguised" motorized wheelchair.)

 Again: No. (*yeesh*)

Talk about "working it."
Even good guys like me are impressed with this kind of dedication.

Hello, Ladies!

 See what I mean about delusions of grandeur?

 As a bad guy wannabee,
if you think you can get away with putting a burger on your back
and using it as some sort of evil bomb or propulsion unit?
You've got quite a way to go in the R&D Department ...

No question which side of the fence this guy is on ... 

Obvious villains.

I again note the dude with the burger on his back a few photos up: 
It's back to the drawing board, folks.

Yes, it's obvious this woman doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart.
But, she's not the concern.
See the dude in the back giving the "thumbs up" at her?
He's a clear candidate for evil.

Now, while this Smokin' Joe may appear to be a badass,
you have to applaud his honesty.

I'm saddened to report fellow Unbelievables Clark and Jeff weren't able to accompany me on this (not so) little reconnaissance venture. But rest assured they'll weigh in just the same. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Spreading the acronyms

As Jeff pointed out on Monday, a lot of this internet/texting shorthanded jargon originated with us. That IS true, but we did have inspiration... sort of. This is Preston Nygard, the publisher and editor-in-chief of the Stilleto Flats Picayune...
"Make it snappy. I'm a busy man."

...And this is his firstborn son, Skippy "Scoop" Nygard, a reporter for the venerable newspaper his daddy runs.
"Duh... Wha-a-a...?"

When we first began operations and started gaining some notoriety, it became Skippy's primary assignment to report on our exploits, of both the crime-fighting and social varieties. As a result, he's always around. We once asked the senior Mr. Nygard why he assigned Skippy to cover us and he said, "As I'm sure you have already figured out, Skippy is not exactly the most capable individual. But he is my son and I love him. I figure if he's around you and anything ever happens, you're there to protect him." I replied to him, "Are you sure about that? I kind of hate Skippy. I dream about kicking him out of a window some day." Jeff said, "Me too. If it ever came down to saving a super villain or saving Skippy, I'd be conflicted." "Oh yeah", said Michael. "If we're ever running away from a horrible fire, I can't promise I won't trip him." Mr. Nygard smiled and said, "I'll bear that in mind, but the odds are still better than if he tried to get through life on his own".
As you can imagine, having a member of the press constantly underfoot, chronicling our every step, it's no wonder that things we say to each other get picked up and distributed to the general public. But in the case of these acronyms, many of them began as subliminal suggestions resulting from onomatopoetic noises coming from Skippy.
You see, Skippy is a heavy smoker who subsists entirely on a diet of fried grease products. He is a wheezing, gassy little man from whom a constant stream of odd noises and smells emanates. For example, a barely concealed belch sounds like "Rawful", which we subliminally translated to "ROFL" which we then adapted as the far-less-disgusting acronym for "Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch". Here are some other examples:

  • "Burrbbbp" (after eating almost anything) = BRB - Bad, Really Bad
  • "Buttwah" (trying to cough up yet another chicken bone) = BTW - Bring The Weaponry
  • "Bufforfin" (unsuccessful attempt to stifle smoker's cough) = B4N - BBQ For Nine
  • "Buffuffuff" (slightly more successful attempt to stifle smoker's cough = BFF - Be Fast, Friend -or- Bring Female Friends
  • "Fud" (what he calls anything edible) = FUD - Fish, Undercooked, Diarrhea
  • "FuhWeeWee" (his sneezes...weird, eh?) = FWIW - Five Weeks In Woolloomooloo (very, very specific, and a story we will reveal later)
  • "I'm a ho" (proudly expounding on his lack of romantic discretion) = IMHO - It May Have Ostriches
  • "Eerrrllll" (projectile regurtitation of too much "Fud") = IRL - In Red Lincoln
  • "Eye So'" (description of a run-down abandoned building) = ISO - I'm Speeding Over
  • "Jjkkk!!" (attempting to expel mucus after consuming dairy products) = J/K - Jeff's Knish
  • "Luhmow" (yawning) = LMAO - Let's Munch At O'Charley's or Let's Munch At Olive Garden
  • "Lawel" (unknown; just a noise he makes sometimes) = LOL - Look Out Lads -or- Leave Off, Larry (another really specific one)
  • "Muhoti" (his mother, we think) = MHOTY - My Hat's Off To You
  • "Nnnnnpppppp" (An expulsion of intestinal gas that goes horribly, horribly wrong = NP - New Pants -or- No Pants
  • "Ohmguh" (Gasping for breath while eating something chewy) = OMG - Oprah Might Go
  • "Oat" (A kind of meal he will not eat) = OT - Overtime (in reference to extra pay incurred during stakeouts)
  • "Pove" (Nickname for his buddy Maury Povich) = POV - Person On 'Vette (one of Clark's personally specific ones)
  • "Le Mayo" (condiment he asks for when dining in a French restaurant) = LMAO - Letting My Air Out (?)
  • "Rawful" (See above) ROFL - Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch
  • "Errttt!" (Noise he makes when his heart stops, which happens frequently) = RT - Relaxin' Time 
  • "Thhorxxt" (attempting to just go ahead and swallow a chicken bone he was unable to cough up) = THX - George Lucas is snooping around again
The bottom line: Skippy is gross.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Just Say No(prah)

Yeah ... I'm pretty certain you know which acronyms of those Jeff mentioned are my doing:

BFF - Be Fast, Friend / Bring Female Friends

NP - New Pants / No Pants

OMG - Oprah Might Go

What say I offer a little more detail where these three "commonly used" abbreviations are concerned:


Honesty, I have no idea where the "be fast, friend" definition came from. Far as I'm concerned "bring female friends" has always (yes, I used "always") been the correct response to "What does BFF mean?" (Hello, Ladies!)


"New Pants" is wrong, wrong, wrong. Jeff was trying to be nice there. It's simply wrong. It's been "no pants" since its conception. Period. Come on ... have we met ... ?!?? Just ask the guys what my standard depeche mode ("fast fashion") is around the Unbelieva-Base.


This was code for "Get the hell out of there, quick!" or "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!"

Think about it for a moment: If you knew Oprah might be coming - in any way shape or form and to whatever function/card game/concert/dinner party you happened to be throwing - you'd want to get the hell out of Dodge post haste, wouldn't you? Yeah ... that's what I thought.

Cut and dried, there are three quick answers behind some of the most commonly used (and most commonly mistaken) acronyms the world over.

You're welcome, World.

Monday, July 21, 2014


Everywhere you go these days, the "kids" and pretty much everyone else who has been outside their front door since 1974 are using their mobile devices to communicate with one another, either by chatting, messaging, texting or anything that isn't making actual phone calls.

Remember about 20 or so years back when everyone was getting into the Internet and using chatroom lingo and then a few years later when people started texting using all those abbreviations? Yeah, well, we were pissed about that (and still are, to a degree).

Why? Because it was our idea. We have had handheld mobile communicators since virtually day one. We recognised the need to be able to call each other in an emergency or to share an in-joke or two at some villain's or one another's expense. In our business you never know when the need arises to quickly summon the team together and fight off some would-be ne'er-do-well's fiendish plot. Time, in these situations, is of the essence.

So we devised a simple system of acronyms and abbreviations that could be speedily input into the Unbelievatext™ Wrist-O-Matic™ devices to effectively send these otherwise time-consuming messages.

Unfortunately, though, some of these leaked out, and they were then appropriated by "the kids" and altered for their own purposes. As for who leaked the information, my money's on Kip the Mail Boy.

You might recognise most of the following list, but I bet you never knew what the original meaning was, did you? 

BRB - Bad, Really Bad

BTW - Bring The Weaponry

B4N - BBQ For Nine

BFF - Be Fast, Friend -or- Bring Female Friends

FUD - Fish, Undercooked, Diarrhea

FWIW - Five Weeks In Woolloomooloo (very, very specific, and a story we will reveal later)

IMHO - It May Have Ostriches

IRL - In Red Lincoln

ISO - I'm Speeding Over

J/K - Jeff's Knish

LMAO - Let's Munch At O'Charley's or Let's Munch At Olive Garden

LOL - Look Out Lads -or- Leave Off, Larry (another really specific one)

MHOTY - My Hat's Off To You

NP - New Pants -or- No Pants

OMG - Oprah Might Go

OT - Overtime (in reference to extra pay incurred during stakeouts)

POV - Person On 'Vette (one of Clark's personally specific ones)

LMAO - Letting My Air Out (?)

ROFL - Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch

RT - Relaxin' Time 

THX - George Lucas is snooping around again

SWAK - Sent With A Knish

TLC - Tipsy,  Lost Control

TMI - Too Much Irish (Whiskey)

WTF - Where's The Fire?

XOXO - Xylophone, and stock cubes.

So there you are. I bet some of those really surprised you. I bet you're also wondering how we are able to divulge this info. Well, since the leak, we abandoned these acronyms and went back to using these fab headset devices instead.

Well worth the $35, not to mention the $400 installation fee, I trust you'll agree.

Friday, July 18, 2014


Ladies and Gentlemen:

We interrupt the regularly scheduled wrap up of this week's signature Unbelievanars and their many considerations to announce the following:

Glaringly, it has come to our attention our esteemed colleague - Jeff Hickmott, partner in crime fighting, whipped potato master, uber stylish gent and all around swell egg - went a bit off the deep end with Wednesday's posting, having offered some rather salacious and questionable material for
Unbelievanar consideration. So salacious, in fact, we were rather embarrassed and disturbed by some of that material.

We want to take this opportunity to apologize for any harm said material may have caused, be it visual, auditory or mental. And particularly so from the viewing of the "Auntie Angel" piece with her ... *uh-hem* ... "instructional" citrus tutorial. (The audio portion of the video alone was enough to send some folks running. All of us here at the Unbelieva-Base will undoubtedly wake up in cold night sweats with memories of those sounds rattling around inside our heads.)

Come next week, we should have things back to their proper order ... which could be anything as you well know.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

P.S. As of last evening, "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit" with Vincent Price has been taken off the table, so to speak. The main draw - Mr. Price himself - is not available as it turns out ... as he's been dead for the last 20+ years.

Instead, we'll be evaluating something a little less "stabbity" - the twinkle-toe stylings of the amazing Mr. Fred Emney and his lost ragtime artistry ...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

For Your Consideration

Unbelievinars™ are sure popular with everyone! We got so dogged by demands for more and more of them, on such a variety of topics, that we put out a call for more and more guest speakers at our Unbelievamininars™, and got sent a bunch of emails, photos, letters, and videos from people who are eager to share their collective wisdom and talents with a waiting world.

Like Unbelievinar™ graduate Frank Ferrone, who is keen to demonstrate the correct etiquette for hosting a BBQ and fondue party.

"Dear Unbelievables, please consider my one-day intensive course on how to be stone cold munchin' at a high class luncheon and still impress the ladies! Yours, Frank."

The Hotpants Syndicate, with their 'Hotpants 101' Fashion Show and try-before-you-buy...

Louisa Malteser, with "98 Ways With Pasta"...

Denise and Teresa Malteser (and pals), with "Make That 99 Ways"

The Bikini Twins, with "Hot Dogs Are Life, Hot Dogs Are Love"...

La Familia Malteser, with "Spaghetti Weirdness 2.0"...

And Vincent Price, with "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit"...

All of those are currently under consideration from the boys and myself. So look out for further notifications of these and other classes popping up in a neighbourhood near you in the not too distant future.

Footnote: We sometimes get sent videos for classes that sound interesting but turn out to be very strange indeed. We got sent this one by a lady calling herself 'Auntie Angel' and claiming to be some sort of 'sexpert'. Well, naturally, we were interested, but when we saw the video below, we were stunned and then horrified. The video purports to be some kind of tutorial about orally pleasuring a man with the use of a grapefruit. We were still interested if a little perplexed, so we manfully pressed on, until the lady whipped out a (ahem) rubber man-part and simulated fellatio on said item. That part was visually fine, but apparently she had just dropped a live squid into a garbage disposal unit right at the same moment. At least, that's what it sounded like...

Oh, and before I show you this, I should add...NSFW!!!
The 2:45 mark is where it gets weird.

One thing is for sure. 'Auntie Angel' will most definitely NOT be teaching any Unbelievamininars™ any time soon.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Unbelievinars: they work!

As mentioned previously, we make ourselves and our expertise available to the public in an effort to improve the overall quality of life for everyone. We do this via our Unbelievinars, an ongoing lecture series covering a wide variety of topics. Like TED talks, only not pointless. We've been doing this for some time now and sometimes we receive testimonials from former students. We recently received this from a graduate (name withheld by request) of one of our most popular classes, "Unbelievaballs: How To Deal With People Stealing Your Stuff, Claiming That It's Their Stuff (course no. UNB12-214)" (note: Our classes deal with very specific topics. This limits class size as well as makes the sessions very short and to-the-point.).

"Dear Unbelievables,
I enjoy going to the beach with my family, but always seemed to get hassled by someone. All the time, there were confrontations with people who thought I was weak and someone they could just walk all over. It was ruining a lifestyle that I truly enjoy. I tried various self-help techniques...

... but they were all basically rip-offs. Then somebody suggested I try Unbelievinars. I was skeptical but reluctantly gave one a try. All I can say is WOW! But that isn't true because I can also say that Unbelievinars have changed my life for the better! I've enclosed a link to a video that shows me actually using your training in a situation that occurred at the beach!
Thank you so much for allwoing me and my family to once again be able to enjoy the beach in peace!"
Here is that video:
Outstanding! Look at all the things he does exactly right:

  • He observes them (from a distance) long enough for it to actually be a crime.
  • He approaches them in a friendly, non-confrontational manner in order to gain their trust.
  • He effectively challenges their laughably stupid attempt at an alibi.
  • He gets it all on video.
  • Most importantly, he stops recording before administering an "Unbelievabutt-kicking: Inflicting Maximum Damage With Minimum Effort (course no. UNB8-147)" (note: We absolutely do not endorse hitting women under any circumstances, but there are ways to kick butt without physical contact. Take the course, like this guy did, to find out how.)
As instructors, this warms our hearts.
I'm sure Jeff and Michael have other examples of testimonials from satisfied, successful students.

Friday, July 11, 2014

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

It's great that the guys told you all about our fantastic association with Queen, the most amazing rock band in the history of all things cool, and their influence on our style and vice versa. 

But I would be remiss if I did not relate to you the now-declassified tale of the single greatest day in our Unbelievable lives!

That's right. A day so amazing it would be scorched like a brand onto our collective brains.

It all started when in 1978 Freddie rushed excitedly into the Unbelievabase clutching an advance copy of their new album Jazz. (Remember, this was the 70s, when you could get away with giving your new LP a title that had nothing to do with the record contained therein, such as James Taylor's Greatest Hits or The Best Of Roger Whittaker.) 

"Listen to this!" shouted Fred, putting the record on the Blaupunkt and cranking it to 11.

We were mesmerized. Mesmerized enough to stop what we were up to (a game of Strip Parcheesi, as I recall) and listened to the instant classic that was Jazz.

Still, we could not help but notice the look of worry and concern on Freddie's face. We were curious. What on earth did he have to be anxious about? The album was brilliant, as has been already noted. So we asked him. 

"Why the long face? What's troubling you?"

"Well," he replied, "I'm having a creative block. The first single off of Jazz is gonna be a double-A side, "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" but I have absolutely no idea how to promote it. I mean, listen to those songs. Those songs ROCK OUT LOUD! They are guaranteed KILLERS! But the record-buying public is fickle. They'll buy anything the DJs tell them to. How else do you explain Clive Dunn's "Grandad" going to Number One?"

"Good point" quoth I.

"Trouble is, I need something so amazing, so shocking, so memorable that it'll be a shoo-in for sure... but what??"

"So you thought you'd pop in and pick our brains, eh?" interjected Clark, in a perplexing Canadian accent he was trying to perfect for some oddball reason (turns out he had had a brief fling with a Canadian air hostess, and was probably hoping to repeat the process).

Freddie was slightly embarrassed. "Um, er... yeah."

"Well, why didn't you say so!!" Michael and I cheered in unison. We were already two steps ahead. 

"Leave it to us, Freddie. We'll get this sorted in no time." I reassured him.

Clark leapt to his feet and fetched us all a beer. "BREWSKIES, EH!?!" he declared.

For once, we let it slide. 

So... a few phone calls to the Unbelievababes, to Marissa and Laura, several bike shops in London, a few top photographers and Wembley Stadium later, we had it all arranged.

I think you know where this is all going.

The Unbelievababes, with Laura and Marissa somewhere in there.

Marla and Trixie won top prize! (For what, I'm not sure).

We all got to spend the day in London watching the Unbelievababes ride around naked on bicycles!! Oh. My. God. We were in hog heaven - especially Michael, who spends most of his life getting naked anyway. It was so much fun, and such a success that they incorporated the shoot into the video.

Queen - Bicycle Race by Leo59

Not only that, but sometimes the Unbelievababes were drafted in to participate in live shows when the band were playing the song.

So there you have it. 

We've done a lot of fun stuff in our lives, but a day spent watching naked girls on bikes in the company of the greatest rock band in the world, as well as my two amazing crimefighting compadres, takes some licking. 

But that's another story...

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Does anybody else think it's odd that Michael wrote about pants on Monday, considering how many of his favorite adventures occur sans pantaloons? No? Okay then.
Ah yes, clothing. Clothing for our good friends who make up the spirited rock combo known and adored as Queen. As Michael mentioned, we're good pals with those fellow and have been for some time. Quite a while before they broke though into the big time, actually. It should come as no big surprise that some of our influence would rub off on them. And while a good set of trousers is a wonderful thing, I'm more of a jacket man myself.
Often, when we'd have a party, Queen's lead crooner Freddie would offer to help park cars. As an up-and-coming musician, he was frequently light on scratch and the tips he got provided some much-needed 'walking around' money. He wasn't an employee, just a friend that we were happy to help by putting him to work. One night before one of our larger soirees, he came over early, as he often did because he could get in a quick game of squash with us before the evening's activities got underway. But on this particular day, he didn't feel like playing. He was pretty down and lamenting his lack of a signature 'look'. "I'm very comfortable performing in this white pants and tank top get-up", he said. "But I look like a house painter. That's not exactly rock n roll and definitely now what I'm going for, really." "I've always thought of you as more like a circus acrobat from the 1920's", I offered helpfully. "Honestly, when you perform, I don't know whether to hold up a lighter or shoot you out of a cannon." I suggested that he combine the outfit he already wore for comfort and combine it with a stylish, flashy jacket of some sort. He and I spent the next couple of hours brainstorming...

"A classic, of course, but it's been done"

"And re-done"

"Nah, too studded"

"Nah, too zipper-y"

"Nah, way too big."

Freddie was really down now. He sighed heavily and said, "Well, let me get out to the car park booth. Guests will be arriving soon." I stopped him before he trudged out the door. "Wait, Freddie", I said. "Safety first!", and I handed him the standard-issue yellow slicker that we required all of our parking attendants to wear.

Freddie suddenly got a big smile on his face and bounded out the door. I'd never seen him so excited about safety!
Oddly, he didn't stick around long enough that night to park a single car, but shortly after that, good things started to happen for the band. So that worked out nicely.