Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Clark's Unbelievable Pet Peeve

So, you're not happy to see me?
Once again, Michael has offered up some very solid advice. If you close the lid, you're putting the seat down. Gentlemen, the whole toilet seat thing is very important to the ladies and if you heed my colleague's advice, you could reap dividends, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about sex stuff).

While I share Michael's peevishness, that isn't my pet. Mine is counting. Man, I hate it when they count! Not the math function in general. I recognize that serves a purpose. No, I'm talking about when crooks count my bullets while I'm shooting at them. Remember Clint Eastwood's classic monologue from 1971's "Dirty Harry"...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Of course you remember it. Everyone does, including criminals. As a result, this kind of thing happens...

"All right, it's over. Give yourself up already."
"I don't think so. You see, I believe you've already fired all six shots."
"No, I didn't. I only fired five. I have one left."
"I don't see how you could possibly know that, what with all this excitement."
"You honestly think I'm not going to remember how many shots I've fired? That's absurd."
"Prove it then. Shoot me."
"What? No, I'm not going to shoot you."
"Why not? Go ahead and do it."
"No. Because I don't want to, that's why."
"Hmmm, maybe because, oh, I don't know, you're all out of bullets?"
"Are you seriously questioning my ability to count to six?"
"I am not out of bullets!"
"Just open it up and look in there. I'll bet you a million dollars it's empty."
"Oh right. A million dollars? Like you have a million dollars. Sure, I'll make that bet, Mr. Million Dollars, who robs liquor stores. Why don't we make it a billion dollars?"
"It's this simple; if you don't shoot me, I'm just going to take off running."
"You'd better not!"
"Look, you shot at me at the bank, that's one. Then when I ran to the end of the block, you shot again. Right? Then twice when I stole the school bus..."
"I only shot once at the school bus!"
"No, remember? The first shot shattered the back window and then you comandeered that motorcycle and fired a second one which ricocheted off the front fender and broke the rear view mirror."
"Shit. That's right."
"Then your fifth shot hit me in the shoulder, which caused me to crash into the gate at the amusement park and then you shot at me one more time when we climbed to the top of this Ferris Wheel. That's six!"
"This is so stupid..."
"Ha ha ha ha! I win! (turns and starts running, gets shot, falls off Ferris Wheel, crashes through glass ceiling, lands on red hot barbecue grill, bounces off into deep fryer which explodes)"
"...I mean, geez, I have another gun."

You can see how that kind of thing, happening more than a couple times, would get annoying.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Pet Peeves And The Unbelievables

Pet peeves.

Everyone's got'em. You. Me. Our nemeses. That guy standing at the bus stop.

The difference between theirs and ours, however, is ours have worked to our advantage when it comes to crime fighting.

One of my personal peeves? Leaving the toilet lid up. Note I said "lid" ... not "seat." (Some of you out there are tilting your heads and quizzically huffing "Huh?") There's a difference.  

The "seat" of the toilet is what you sit the back of your front upon. The "lid" is the cover which tops the seat. Once "engaged" you can sit on it (with clothes on or off) to relax and think a bit before venturing out into the world. You can prop your feet atop it to paint your toenails. You can stand on it to reach that cobweb in the corner you obviously forgot when you cleaned last week. (Or last month. Or October.) And there's more, more, more.

You see ... there's a contingent of folks out there who do not close the lid of the loo when they're finished visiting "the library." Thus my peeve. I'm not the OCD type who must have everything "just so" (so he says, confident in the fact his hands have been washed several times already this morning). But!  A clean and tidy restroom comes complete with the toilet lid down.

This isn't just for aesthetics, you understand. There's a method to the madness. Regular practice of flipping down the lid prevents beloved pets from using the john as a water bowl. A closed lid deters any non-toilet bowl items and gadgets from falling into 3 liters of wetness. Practicality is key here. You've heard (and possibly experienced) the horror of dropping your cell phone in the bowl, only to retrieve it and find it discombobulated beyond revivification. (You haven't yet? Well ... keep leaving that lid up. It'll happen soon enough. Don't pooh-pooh it. Eventually, it happens to everyone who refuses to heed this warning.)

Bringing that lid to a horizontal position will save your life as well. Drop that plugged in hair dryer in the watery depths and you flirt with electrocution. With the topper shut, that dryer deflects off it and drops to the ground harmlessly (unless bare feet are in the way). No need for fear of being fried with your hair still freshly washed.

So you may be asking yourself: "Michael ... this is all well and fine, but how has it benefited The Unbelievables?"

Well ... the bad guys on the long list of Unbelievables' Enemies are interesting ones. The list contains everyone from those who want to take over the world to some who simply want to cause mischief. There are brilliant ones and bumbling ones. It's those bumblers whose antics make life easy for us.

There's been many a time when some evil doer's gun accidentally got dropped in the shitter as we've come upon them in a "compromising position." There was the instance when Chafe Del Husqvarna let slip an almost-put-together detonator right into an open-lidded bowl. (A soggy detonator isn't conducive to engaging a device.) Then there was the time one common villain (I forget who) tried escaping us by exiting out a bathroom window. As he launched himself up to a window above a toilet, he stuck his foot right into wetness and got caught. Not only was he unable to grab purchase in order to lift himself window-ward, he ended up confined at the ankle courtesy of the swishy waterworks. All because someone didn't have the common sense to tip the toilet lid shut.

See? Safety, practicality, functionability. But, since the deed wasn't done, the bad guy got nabbed.

Internally, we used to have the same problem with fellow Unbelievable Jeff. (You know how the British are: They're "proper" and all that, but ... well ...) Clark and I are happy to report, however, he has been ... erm, uhm ... "educated" in restroom decorum and currently all is right with the world.

So shut those lids, folks! You'd've never thunked doing so could deter crime. Did you?

Mine is a simple pet peeve. Wait 'til you get a load of the ones Clark and Jeff have in store for you ...

Friday, February 22, 2013

How Elvis got to be everywhere

Yes, Elvis was a very good friend and an invaluable confidante to The Unbelievables. We were devastated when he passed away. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to mourn before we had to spring into action to deal with the consequences of his death.

You ain't nothing but a group
of organisms or cells produced
asexually from one ancestor or stock,
to which they are genetically identical.

Very, very few people knew about this but one of Elvis's greatest interests was human genetics, specifically the area of cloning. Deep beneath the Graceland compound is a laboratory where far stranger things routinely took place than could ever occur at Area 51, which doesn't even exist so forget I mentioned that. Being a conscientious and ethical scientist, Elvis insisted on conducting these experiments only on himself. As a result, he accumulated thousands of clones over the years. Some of these experiments were more successful than others but he kept them all in a holding facility, where they were fed and cared for lovingly... until his death. That day, utterly distraught at the passing of their patriarch, the cloned Elvises (or Elvi) broke out of the holding facility and swarmed out into the world, running amuck over the state of Tennessee. The level of panic was incredible. The city of Memphis fell almost immediately. Citizens were advised to head to the state capital in Nashville with the promise of first aid, shelter and protection from the National Guard, but that was a pipe dream. All major population centers were completely overrun within days. Stockpiles of food, ammunition and KC and the Sunshine Band records were being exhausted at an alarming rate. Small bands of survivors scavenged for supplies by day and tried their best to avoid being serenaded by off-key renditions of "Love Me Tender" by night. Those people did the the best they could against the Elvi but they were fighting a losing battle. Thousands of people were being Thanked, Thanked Very Much every day.

"Ma'am, the hunk a hunk a burnin' love is coming from JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!"
We got there as soon as we could to assess the situation and came up with a plan right away. Since all British people know each other, Jeff called his pal Paul McCartney (who had faked his own death in 1966 so he could quit the Beatles and concentrate on his true passion, sheep herding, but that's a whole other story) who immediately assisted us in training elite Beatlemania commando units. Because there's nothing in the world that Elvis found more threatening than the Beatles, with the possible exception of a nice, fresh salad.
Although, there's nothing that says you can't deep fry a salad.
We deployed those units strategically throughout the region, where they encountered the clones who turned and retreated in terror. Eventually, they were able to steer the majority of the Elvi back to Graceland where they were corralled again, hosed down and given a nice meal of banana pudding and Dilaudid. They settled right down and are docile and happy today, ranging freely about on Graceland's back 40 acres, an area not open to the public. 

Beatle Team 6; the unsung heroes of Loudon, Knox, Grainger and Claiborne counties

The operation wasn't a complete success, as some got as far away as South Carolina, Georgia and New Mexico where they took jobs as short order cooks at truck stops, leading some to believe they had sighted The King himself. Even now, finding some of the stray clones in places all over the globe is not uncommon. All we can say is that should give you an idea of the sheer numbers we were faced with back in 1977. At least, as Michael pointed out, they're manageable now. And you're welcome.

"B-a-a-a-con, p-e-eanut butter, b-a-a-nana sandwiches!!!"

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Just Like The Unbelievables, Elvis Is Everywhere

Fellow Unbelievable Jeff made a statement in his previous post which is absolutely correct: "... anyone who says they're Elvis, and therefore anyone who says they've seen Elvis despite the fact that he was meant to be dead, is a bald-faced liar."

Of course, that doesn't discount the fact Elvis is everywhere. After all ... there's a little bit of Elvis in everybody:

Elvis is the icon of icons. Often imitated. Frequently instigated. Forever re-created. But (more often than not) a pale in comparison to the original, The King.

Still ... there are a few brave souls out there The Unbelievables tip our hats at for their on-going tributes to not only the memory of the one and only Elvis Aaron Presley, but to The Unbelievables' association with him as well. Here are just a few of them ...

Dread Zeppelin (complete with front man Tortelvis) is a fine, fine example:

The dynamic (and very original) Tortelvis of Dread Zeppelin

The Cramps with lead Lux Interior who absolutely had the ghost of Elvis residing inside him (rest in peace, Lux):

The late Lux Interior (Erick Lee Purkhiser) of The Cramps

"A Date With Elvis" ... and its (evil?) red-headed step sister ...

And, of course, there are more, more, more, more, more.
Jim Carrey as Elvis. The Mexican Elvis, El Vez. Kurt Russell as Elvis. Kevin Costner as Elvis ...
If Jim Carrey has some Elvis in him, you know what that means:
So does The Grinch ...
iMierda en un palo, Batman! iEs El Vez!
No ... it's not The Wonder Twins ... it's Kurt and Kevin
Truly, Elvis is everywhere. And I haven't even begun to scratch the surface. 

So what does it all mean? What do all these "Elvii" incarnations mean? It's simply the power of The King all around us, not sightings of him here on Earth once again. Just reminders his spirit continues to be with us even though his body is not. 

Thousands pay tribute to Elvis everyday. By playing his music, donning garb, imitating him, more. It's a fitting tribute to The King ... and honorary Unbelievable.

Uh huh-huh ...

Monday, February 18, 2013

Elvis and The Unbelievables

Well do we Unbelievables remember the sadness we felt when we heard the news on August 16, 1977. Elvis, the King of Rock'n'Roll, was no more. We couldn't believe it. We didn't believe it. We were gutted. Because we were not only mourning the loss of one of our idols, but also the death of an honorary Unbelievable.

I remember the first time we met Elvis.

We were at the HQ and heard on the wire that The King was filming on location in Vegas.

"Why, that's just down the road from us!" cried Michael excitedly. "Let's vamoose, muchachos!"

We hit the road, taking along our pal Monica Lewis, as she was not only a fan of The Pelvis but we figured she might be handy in getting us onto the set to meet the King. How right we were.

We got as far as meeting that immense tool Colonel Tom Parker, Elvis' manager. He kept us talking for what seemed an age, professing to be a fan of ours and wanting to discuss all sorts of plots and conspiracy theories and whatnot. Every time we made for Elvis' dressing room door, he would start waffling on about another topic and eventually we had to distract him. This is where the lovely Monica helped. Clark said, "Say, Colonel Tool, uh, Tom, have you met our friend Monica?" and so enraptured was he by her charms, we were able to slip away from the awful old bore and into the King's presence.

Turns out he was an even bigger fan of ours than Colonel Tom, so much so that he wanted to help us in whatever way he could. After much discussion we decided to let Elvis be an informant, but he wanted to go one further.

He was stunned to be able to join us.

He suggested that since he travelled all over the globe, we should let him set up an international network of celebrity informers, and this is what he did. 

New recruit: Scrappy the wonder Dog. Not really had much info from him, but awwww...
Wherever he went he recruited other entertainers and thus we have the global network that exists today. Not only that, but whenever he found himself in the neighbourhood, he would drop in for a game of Parcheesi or touch football. 

He kicked our asses that day.
He had great ideas for parties too. Here we see him at our "Oops! I Forgot My Pants!" party...

Then there was the "Overblown Prog Rock" social evening...

And the "Stand On A Ladder and Sing" mixer. 

He also enjoyed pranks, as do we. I remember the time we glued his nose to a mirror. Oh how we laughed.

He was a very friendly and amenable fellow who would do anything as long as there was a deep-fried chili cheeseburger and a peanut butter and banana sandwich involved.

Unfortunately, this was to become his downfall. Not just the food, but he was such a well-meaning chap, as soon as some rough types out there found out that Elvis had a predilection for such grease-laden comestibles, they would have him do their evil bidding by tempting him with such treats and then keep him silent by plying him with alcohol and drugs. Then he got hooked on those, and this took a terrible toll on his body.

As you see.
So that day when the news came, we just turned on the TV and watched Viva Las Vegas, reminiscing about our good friend and compadre Elvis Aaron Presley and all that he had achieved in his all-too-brief life.

It wasn't long before the rumours about his death being faked started to circulate. There were so many reported 'sightings' of Elvis that even we Unbelievables couldn't be sure. However, we do now know the truth, for a couple of years following Elvis' demise, one of his recruits, a young lady named Kirsty MacColl, sent us a coded message that confirmed once and for all that the King was no more.

"There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvis," sang the lovely Kirsty. "But he's a liar, and I'm not sure about you." That was all we needed to know - anyone who says they're Elvis, and therefore anyone who says they've seen Elvis despite the fact that he was meant to be dead, is a bald-faced liar.

I'll leave it to the other guys to tell you more about our association with Mr. Presley, but I'll leave you with this thought: Kirsty herself died in mysterious circumstances in the year 2000. Spooky, no?

Friday, February 15, 2013

Now That Valentine's Day Is Over ...

The Unbelievables sincerely hope you had a warm and wonderful Valentine's Day with your special someone. Because you know we're all about keeping the "day of love" on the positive side when it comes to "amour." (Hello, Ladies!) 

Good thing you perused Clark's first piece of advice in Monday's post: "Above all else, keep it classy, boys."  

Wait ... what? You didn't catch wind of that suggestion? 

Oh ... I understand. You decided Jeff was the right man for suggestion giving and you met with his line of thinking instead. I get that. (I mean, Clark can't always be the go-to guru when it comes to matters of the heart ... much as he'd always like to be that guy ...) 

Wait ... wait ... wait. You mean you didn't glean any info from either of those two ... ?!?? *rut row* 

Well you know what? We're still on your side. We're confident you didn't kick your common sense to the curb and go with something left of center or beyond outrageous. Because, we know you meant well. We know you wanted the best for your Valentine ... or at least the best you could do. And that's admirable.

But believe us when we say we've seen our share of good intentions gone sour. There's stuff out there that never should see the light of day.

And as a public service announcement, we'd like to show you a few examples we hope you didn't give into ...

If those do-it-yourself candy hearts were part of your plan?
If so, please tell us you had bett
er captions than the above.

While there's nothing wrong with a hand-made card,
you need to be careful about ones conveying honest-to-goodness truthfulness.
They don't always translate as points in your favor.
You better not have purchased these ...
You better not have purchased this, either.
I think we've been over this already ...
Trust us: You'll be tired even before you chew your way through ...
Yep. As seen on TV. And that's where it should stay.

Anatomically correct jewelry is a sure way to not to get what you want ...
...if you know what we mean.
Important Tip: The meaning of your Valentine?
Make sure it isn't mistaken for something else.

Uhmmm ... no.

Again ... no.

Getting your friends to do something cute on command?
Careful what you ask for.
In the event you did give into temptation and utilize one or more of the above (or, heaven forbid, something worse), there's always next year ... 

You know ... with your new Valentine.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Dear Unbelievables ...

So let's say you're a guy and you have absolutely NO clue when it comes to women. What do they want, how can you attract a mate, what does it take to make women want you? Well, we here at Unbelievable Central get lots of letters and emails from lovelorn guys asking for advice from us about one particular day of the year. 

Yes, that's right - it's one day till Valentine's Day, bub. If you want to have some female company (Hello, ladies!) tomorrow evening (or at any time of the day, come to that) you need a few simple tips and tricks from your men in the know, The Unbelievables. Because as you know, not only do we fight crime all over the globe, we also kick butt in the love department. So listen up, pay attention, and you just might find love tomorrow (or maybe even sooner)!

Job 1: Flinging woo at the ladies

Let's assume you have singled out the right girl - how do you get her to go out with you (yes, you!) on a date?

Try impressing her with your sense of style.

Hello, ladies!


These guys are doing it right.

Very, VERY wrong.

You could send her a card...

Give her a heart-shaped balloon...

Or send flowers, delivered by yourself (in a classy fashion, naturally).

Sometimes a cool gift does the trick.


Job 2: The Date

She's agreed to a date, but where do you take her? You could take her out to a classy eatery:

No Ring? Give Her Wings!

Or you could go the extra mile, show off your culinary expertise and make her dinner at your place...

What could be groovier than a heart-shaped steak?

Everyone loves a Cheeseburger and a bottle.

Because she's a regular gal.

This is actually very clever, but you might wanna lose the beard.

 Of course you will have gotten your ingredients from a top-notch establishment.

Make sure you've rented some high-quality movies to watch together.

And naturally your ergonomic multi-purpose furniture will make her realise what a practical dude you are.

And speaking of the bar, you still have that cocktail recipe cheat sheet from that vacation you took in Waukegan, right?

If all goes well food-wise, a naughty/sexy gift will make her laugh and put her in the mood!

And later, a parting gift to say 'thanks for such a wonderful date' is such a nice touch.

However, what might seem at first blush a lovely gift bought with good intentions, may seem to your date a little tasteless...

It's OK - they're affordable.

So there you are. we've walked you through all the steps to get your girl and provide her with an evening she will never forget. And if all else fails, don't panic. Nobody ever says no to a ride on a see-saw!

But just in case it doesn't happen for you...

You can always rely on Walgreens.