Friday, May 31, 2013

A serious note from Jeff

Hello, Unbelievables fans. Jeff Hickmott here, taking me dog Patches for walkies around the British village of Lancstershire-In-Shambles where I'm on holiday. That's what we British people call vacations and I am British.

We've had a lot of fun this week talking about disguises, haven't we? Yes. Yes,we have. But it's important to remember to be ourselves, whether it's you Yanks or us Brits (that's short for British People, of which I am one). Be true to who we are and those we care about. Sure, I can drive a lorry down to the local pub and watch football with me mates while downing fish and chips and ale by the litre, but eventually I'm going to say, "Cor, I've downed too many litres of ale, I 'ave, I 'ave" and then I'm going to have to take a lift to the loo. And there, I'm going to have to be okay with being meself, a British bloke here in Jolly Old England, which is British for Great Britain. And blimey, you should bloody well do likewise!
Still more maje-e-estic shalt thou rise,
More dre-e-e-e-eadful from each foreign stroke,
More dreadful, dreadful from each foreign stroke,
Loud blast above us, loud blast that tears the skies
Serves but to ro-o-o-ot thy native oak.
Rule Britannia!
Britannia rule the waves.
Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.
Rule Britannia!
Britannia rule the waves.
Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Ha! Suckers! I fooled you! It's me, Clark, disguised as Jeff! Wooooo! You should see your faces right now.  You were totally sucked in.You're all like, "W-h-a-a-a-a-t???"
Mind. Blown.
Depicted: You (when did you start dressing like Buddy Holly?)

Don't deny it; my absolutely top-notch, genius-level impersonation of Jeff was totally aided by my ever-so-subtle British colloquialisms. You chumps never had a chance. And that's the real lesson we learned this week; you can never let your guard down when dealing with masters of disguise!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Case Of "Who's The Dummy Now?" (Part 2)

Wait ... what? You're skeptical of the story above Clark told? You want cold, hard facts as back-up of what really went down? Hold on a minute ...

*checks files for verification declassification may be revealed at this time*

Hokay ... I got the word. I can shuttle a little bit of light on the situation to help the skeptics out there.

Ever hear of a little reality competition by the name of ... American Idol? I thought you might. Know what it is? The ratings-waining Fox program is one of the cogs in the popular "church" Clark noted last post. No ... I can't reveal the name of the church. But what I can do is show you a few of the facts of the matter.

The 12th season of the show recently wrapped with - for the first time in 5 years - a female claiming the winning spot in the competition. Previous to that, guys had won the American Idol crown over and over again. The last girl to grab take the reigns of the show? Jordan Sparks back in 2007. Know why? Because it was The Unbelievables swift and savvy operative ways the prevented girls from being crowned an American Idol over thus preventing the rampant human trafficking that's been so rampant.

Yes, the guys' wins have been a direct reflections of our efforts to quell the insidious doings and resulting consequences ending the female contestants being cast into the most degrading, disgusting and miserable enterprise ever invented - the recording industry. (Hey! Clark said that in so many words!)

Of course, we can't spill the beans on all the methods to our madness ... but let it be known we planted certain and various "foils" and "infiltrators" in order to 1) extract information, 2) infiltrate their evil ways, and; 3) plant that wrench firmly into the Idol machine so that the "church" and the recording industry was at least stunted in releasing radio bubblegum and blather and foisting supposed "ear candy" on an unsuspecting public.

Any doubt why we code named her "The Body" ... ???

Former judges Kara DioGuardi (code named "The Body")? Steven Tyler (code named "Fake Sgt. Pepper")? Jennifer Lopez (code named "Fatass")? Ellen DeGeneres (code named "Doorstop")? They were on The Unbelievables' payroll in an effort to thwart the goings on "the church" had on its list of "things to do today." Simon Cowell? No one could really tell him what to do, let alone "suggest" he do the right thing, i.e. good samaritanism. Randy Jackson? His "dawg pound" contingent was much more important to him. And Paula Abdul? Seriously: Has there ever been any light behind those eyes?

Two of these three were on The Unbelievables' payroll

DioGuardi, Tyler and Lopez were instrumental in injecting their brand of monkey business (at The Unbelievables' behest) retarding the female exploitation. (No. DeGeneres wasn't key in any aspect of these doings. Did you not get the irony of her code name?) But staunching illegal human activity for ill gains has been baffled with this past season of Idol. And, specifically, with the interjection of new judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj.

Foils! Their drama was a ruse!

The producers of the show worked overtime with that popular "church" to poison the general populace into thinking the banter and catfights between Carey and Minaj were simply dramatic interludes during the competition. In truth, they were sly, calculated offshoots meant to deflect our thoughts elsewhere while Idol worked its evil ways on a much grander (and secretive) blueprint. To date, we still don't know how far-reaching the efforts of the two female judges' drama was integral to the process. But the result? Well ... how else does anyone explain the sad lack of talent you saw during this last season, with the men of the Top 10 outed and the eventual Final 5 all female? Their sniping at each other wasn't just tabloid fodder; the producers orchestrated those not-so-subtle machinations in such ways most of us saw coincidence after coincidence with the men being ousted and the women coming out unscathed. Little did we know (until it was much too late) the ulterior motives in so doing gave Idol the pick of the litter when it came to which female contest they chose to move "forward" in the recording industry.

Once we began looking into the case of "Who's The Dummy Now?" The Unbelievables saw the fishy-ness of their plan. The "dummy" is, of course, the viewing public who thought their innocent voting ways on the show were sincere efforts to garner a female winner on Idol ... not insidious human trafficking. 

Naturally, with "the church" being foiled by our discovery of how they manipulated the system, they very well couldn't use either Carey or Minaj again, resulting in the "mass firing" of all the judging panel on Idol. (Side Note: While Randy Jackson didn't have anything to do with any of the underhanded ways, Keith Urban was indeed placed in a secondary role as a go-between in the midst of the two womens' rants and raves. Urban's installation into the mix was as "a sympathetic advisor" meant to further distract any looky-loos who might get wise to Idol's (and "the church's") plans.

Mark my words: American Idol's next winner? Not only will he be male, but will quash any insidious, illegal criminal activity against humanity.

Monday, May 27, 2013

The case of "Who's the dummy now?" (Part 1)

We got the word from Ray Ray, one of our snitches, that a popular church was actually a front for a human trafficking ring, luring innocent and talented victims to participate in elaborate "talent competitions" and then casting them into the most degrading, disgusting and miserable enterprise ever invented; the recording industry.

Mastery of complicated math theorems led her to be accepted at Stanford at the age of 13. She never arrived on campus.

An exceptionally gifted violinist who never graced the halls of Juilliard

That's Dr. Minaj to you. At least it should have been.
 What would happen is this church would rig the competition, pre-selecting who they wanted to "win". Winners would be placed in the church choir for a few months to indoctrinate them and then they'd be sent off on what they were told would be "missionary tours" to far-off regions to spread good will and joy, only they never returned. Instead, they were sent to the infamous CD farms just outside of Los Angeles, toiling away under horrible work conditions and making the most awful (ie: cost effective and therefor highly profitable) music possible. Often, their screams of anguish would be used instead of any actual singing.

 We sprung into action immediately. Adapting the disguises of a husband and wife evangelists who travelled the country with our ventriloquist dummy, Timmy.

(Lto R) Clark, Michael and Jeff. In retrospect, it might have been smarter to have Michael play the dummy.
 At first it didn't look like we'd get past the initial auditions. But then Michael had a brilliant idea. "Hey! Watch me drink this bottle of sin juice while Timmy (Jeff in disguise, of course) warns kids about why you should never do that!", he said, as he twisted the cap off a bottle of Crown. Naturally, the ruse worked perfectly, establishing Michael as a master ventriloquist, although I don't know why he had to drink the entire bottle; Jeff almost ran out of things to say. "Here, let me *hic* show you ag'in. Thish time, tell them *hic* about th' innernet, Timmy", Michael said before we stopped him from opening a second bottle. We took our bows and went backstage to regroup. The important thing was, we were in!

I'll let my associates tell you what happened next...

Friday, May 24, 2013

We Are Chameleons

Yes, it's true - we love robots, and we love disguises. Michael once told me he loved disguises so much that he wished he could do it more often. "It's like playing dress-up at preschool - except we're grownups!" he declared. And I guess in a way, that's true. Speaking of preschool, here's the day we accidentally wore matching outfits at preschool and Miss O'Hannigan nearly had a conniption fit. Our mums did laugh when they saw us!

Anyway, our skill in the disguise department rubbed off on our two honorary Unbelievables, The Flight Of The Conchords. They loved the robot outfits above all else.

So it's Bret and Jemaine we have to thank, as they came up with a genius idea - hold an Unbelievinar™ on the art of disguise. We went with it, and who do you think rolled up for the first class? A certain young English musician named David Jones (at least, that's what his name was back in those days). He took our lessons to heart and has since made a career out of re-inventing himself every few years. Here's a little collage of photos of Mr. Jones (or should I say, Bowie) to illustrate my point. Yes folks, believe it or not, these are all pictures of Bowie. And it's all thanks to us.

We also designed and sold our own Disguise Kits, and they were an instant hit. Yes folks, the UnbelievaDisguises™ sold in the thousands. The UnbelievaMasks™ were so lifelike it was scary.

One of them, though, had to be withdrawn as it was scaring little kids, although I fail to see what the problem is.

Anyway, gotta run as we have to go check the prototypes of our Paul Shaffer wigs and David Letterman teeth. See you next time!

Modelled here by G. Busey.

Back to the drawing board.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

  • DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
  • DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
  • DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:
Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...
  • DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
  • DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
  • And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

    Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

Monday, May 20, 2013


Disguises: Some work ... some don't.

We all know this.

Remember that one Halloween? You had that great idea for a costume, nothing was going to stop you from doing it and you did it? You showed up at the party and, as it happened to turn out, they had a "Worst Dressed" prize ... and you won it?

You can't expect to use a half-dry Sharpie applied directly to your face
to work wonders in the disguise game
Yeah. We've all been there. The same with The Unbelievables. Sometimes our disguises work ... sometimes they don't. Here are a few examples:

Infiltrating a playground scam, we came across as adorable

 As triplets? Not so much.
But ... we got the job done ... and quickly.

There's a lot to be said for a convenient pair of glasses. (Clark Kent, anyone?) Don a pair and you can become whoever you want.

Villains are often confused at the site of obvious 3D specs.
We're not quite certain why ...)

Then, there's the all important moustache. A good moustache can be virtual "money in the bank" so to speak when it comes to disguises. 

This was a gas of a case:
We successfully foiled a deadly French recording scam as "Les Moustaches" ...
... but we lost international field operative Felip
é (in black jacket) in the process.

Yes ... all three of us do Elvis well ...

... I mean ... really well ...

Once? The need arose were I was required to disguise myself
as Hal 9000 from Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey"
(actual photo of me dressed as Hal 9000)

 You'd never know this is Clark ... would you?

 As well, you'd never know this was Jeff, either ...

Then? There's Clark and his damned robots. I don't know what it is with him and robots (maybe he'll reveal all when he takes his turn on the subject of disguises) but the dude is bonkers about them. It goes without saying Robbie The Robot is one of his favorites ... or it was the last time anyone asked him. I could be wrong.

On one particular case all three of us were "required" (Clark's words) to don robot apparel. And I'll admit: We were pretty convincing:

Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark

The guys will tell you and, hopefully, display a few photos of some of our other clandestine outfits used to flummox the baddies and win the day. They might offer other useful tips as well.  

Saturday, May 18, 2013

A Public Service Announcement From The Unbelievables


As a public service announcement, The Unbelievables would like to remind everyone to cover your coughs and your sneezes.

The best manner for doing so? Sneezing into the crook of your arm, not your hands. The crook of your arm not only catches much more spewage that would otherwise be cruising around the atmosphere than your hands. Bonus! Your hands - which you use all the time! - won't be infected with who knows what you're hacking up ... be it dust, cat hair, an influenza virus or a lung.

It's not that difficult. It's courteous. It promotes sanitary surroundings. And it shows you care.

You don't want to be known as this person ... do you?

A toxic cloud released in the general vicinity of anyone? Not good!

And that goes double if you have little ones. You show them you care when you teach them proper manners.

The Unbelievables say: "You're welcome!"

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Bad Guys? They Go Bananas Over Charley Chimp

I'm preaching to the choir when I say The Unbelievables are masters of disguise as well as unparalleled masters of all things weaponry-ish. (Sometimes? We're even masters of our own fates.)

And it's the furthest thing from our minds not to admit we've had plenty of help on the path toward the dashing, mannerly Stylish Gentlemen we are today.

A few "helpful" examples include (but are not limited to): Playboy Magazine's own Hugh Hefner ... the various weapons used in our exploits, including the innovative Lobster Rage Fist *shoots a glare in Jeff's general direction* ...the ultra-fabulous Unbelieva-Babes ... even The King himself, Elvis. The list goes on and on and on.

And, most recently in this very blog - as you've seen courtesy of my cohorts Jeff and Clark - the lovely Sindy and ever-ready Captain Action, respectively.

But there's one more instrumental character in our seemingly unending arsenal of readyment and gain:
Charley Chimp, the cymbal-banging monkey toy.

Charley Chimp

Originally manufactured by the Japanese company Daishin C.K. in the 1950s under the moniker "Musical Jolly Chimp," Charley has been an invaluable (if little mentioned) tool in The Unbelievables' crime fighting efforts. He might not have the savoir faire of Sindy nor the flair pour l'action of the Captain, but he's been an affecting part of our team for quite some time.

His strengths are rooted in his simplicity. Flip a switch at his back and Charley begins banging his cymbals noisily. What fun! Better yet, what a distraction.

Yes ... the perfect bane of the ne'er-do-wells we come across time and again. And again. 

You see ... in the early days we really needed someone (or something) to create a diversion when necessary, a surprise element to throw the bad guys off their game. Hey, we enjoy an old fashioned "good vs. evil" tussel just as much as the next guy, but there's a lot to be said (along with the possibility of a lot less damage) in simply nabbing villains without a scuffle.

Of course there are times when a real, live body is the only thing that will do the trick. But one afternoon I came up with the brilliant idea of utilizing monkeys in place of people. (After all: Just like bacon, isn't everything better with monkeys?) Being cute, intelligent, trainable and useful to a fault, Clark was on board right away ... but Jeff was on the fence. (I think he might have been a bit jealous, truth be told.) Following my suggestion, Jeff came in the very next day wearing his version of a diversionary tactic incorporating monkeys:

Monkey Bra: Good for raucous tiki parties ... not so good for crime fighting ...

Much to his chagrin, Jeff was shot down immediately. Wearing one of those only put a person in danger ... and it wasn't much of a diversion.   

Naturally, there was need for a little Research and Development if we were going to utilize monkeys to their full potential. Live animals were brought in and trained; for the most part they worked out rather well. But the cost of maintenance, foodstuffs, et al got a little pricey.

Enter Charley Chimp.

Set with a remote to activate the switch on Charley's backside, we were golden. The perfect foil to create that momentary hesitation we sometimes needed to throw evil doers off their game. 

It's not only the surprise of seeing Charley on one's doorstep that makes one take a mental step backward. Nor is it the annoying cymbal-clanging that gets to you, either. Charley's appearance can be quite the eye-opener, frequently raising the hair on the back of your neck. See for yourself:

Kind of cute ...

Not the most attractive of mugs ... wouldn't you agree? It's plain to see how a bad guy would cringe at the mere glimpse Charley's hideous visage. And sometimes that's all we need to commandeer the upperhand in a given situation.

And ... those eyes. The eyes can really get to you, if you know what I mean:

Charley's eyes bulge on command, creating a rather disturbing appearance that would cause anyone to stop dead in their tracks. So you can see how Charley makes a terrific companion in our fight against injustice.

Plus, there's one more little trick up our sleeves we use to keep things in line. The "Charley Token," a simple carved Charley image to remind hooligans and delinquents we've been in their neck of the woods, so they better mind their Ps and Qs:

Yeah ... that's rather daunting as well. You can plainly see how members of the "We Don't Have The Best Intentions Where Your Welfare Is Concerned" set would be freaked out by this.

See? He's ready at a moment's notice

Charley Chimp. He's quite the useful means to throw a wrench in the bad guy machine ... and the perfect compliment to both Sindy and Captain Action.