A serious note from Jeff

Hello, Unbelievables fans. Jeff Hickmott here, taking me dog Patches for walkies around the British village of Lancstershire-In-Shambles where I'm on holiday. That's what we British people call vacations and I am British.

We've had a lot of fun this week talking about disguises, haven't we? Yes. Yes,we have. But it's important to remember to be ourselves, whether it's you Yanks or us Brits (that's short for British People, of which I am one). Be true to who we are and those we care about. Sure, I can drive a lorry down to the local pub and watch football with me mates while downing fish and chips and ale by the litre, but eventually I'm going to say, "Cor, I've downed too many litres of ale, I 'ave, I 'ave" and then I'm going to have to take a lift to the loo. And there, I'm going to have to be okay with being meself, a British bloke here in Jolly Old England, which is British for Great Britain. And blimey, you should bloody well do likewise!

Still more maje-e-estic shalt thou rise,

More dre-e-e-e-eadful from each foreign stroke,

More dreadful, dreadful from each foreign stroke,

Loud blast above us, loud blast that tears the skies

Serves but to ro-o-o-ot thy native oak.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Ha! Suckers! I fooled you! It's me, Clark, disguised as Jeff! Wooooo! You should see your faces right now.  You were totally sucked in.You're all like, "W-h-a-a-a-a-t???"
Mind. Blown.

Depicted: You (when did you start dressing like Buddy Holly?)

Don't deny it; my absolutely top-notch, genius-level impersonation of Jeff was totally aided by my ever-so-subtle British colloquialisms. You chumps never had a chance. And that's the real lesson we learned this week; you can never let your guard down when dealing with masters of disguise!

The case of "Who's the dummy now?" (Part 1)

We got the word from Ray Ray, one of our snitches, that a popular church was actually a front for a human trafficking ring, luring innocent and talented victims to participate in elaborate "talent competitions" and then casting them into the most degrading, disgusting and miserable enterprise ever invented; the recording industry.


Mastery of complicated math theorems led her to be accepted at Stanford at the age of 13. She never arrived on campus.



An exceptionally gifted violinist who never graced the halls of Juilliard




That's Dr. Minaj to you. At least it should have been.

 What would happen is this church would rig the competition, pre-selecting who they wanted to "win". Winners would be placed in the church choir for a few months to indoctrinate them and then they'd be sent off on what they were told would be "missionary tours" to far-off regions to spread good will and joy, only they never returned. Instead, they were sent to the infamous CD farms just outside of Los Angeles, toiling away under horrible work conditions and making the most awful (ie: cost effective and therefor highly profitable) music possible. Often, their screams of anguish would be used instead of any actual singing.


"I...will...beat...the...talent...out...of...you!!"

 We sprung into action immediately. Adapting the disguises of a husband and wife evangelists who travelled the country with our ventriloquist dummy, Timmy.


(Lto R) Clark, Michael and Jeff. In retrospect, it might have been smarter to have Michael play the dummy.

 At first it didn't look like we'd get past the initial auditions. But then Michael had a brilliant idea. "Hey! Watch me drink this bottle of sin juice while Timmy (Jeff in disguise, of course) warns kids about why you should never do that!", he said, as he twisted the cap off a bottle of Crown. Naturally, the ruse worked perfectly, establishing Michael as a master ventriloquist, although I don't know why he had to drink the entire bottle; Jeff almost ran out of things to say. "Here, let me *hic* show you ag'in. Thish time, tell them *hic* about th' innernet, Timmy", Michael said before we stopped him from opening a second bottle. We took our bows and went backstage to regroup. The important thing was, we were in!

I'll let my associates tell you what happened next...

We Are Chameleons

Yes, it's true - we love robots, and we love disguises. Michael once told me he loved disguises so much that he wished he could do it more often. "It's like playing dress-up at preschool - except we're grownups!" he declared. And I guess in a way, that's true. Speaking of preschool, here's the day we accidentally wore matching outfits at preschool and Miss O'Hannigan nearly had a conniption fit. Our mums did laugh when they saw us!

Anyway, our skill in the disguise department rubbed off on our two honorary Unbelievables, The Flight Of The Conchords. They loved the robot outfits above all else.

So it's Bret and Jemaine we have to thank, as they came up with a genius idea - hold an Unbelievinar™ on the art of disguise. We went with it, and who do you think rolled up for the first class? A certain young English musician named David Jones (at least, that's what his name was back in those days). He took our lessons to heart and has since made a career out of re-inventing himself every few years. Here's a little collage of photos of Mr. Jones (or should I say, Bowie) to illustrate my point. Yes folks, believe it or not, these are all pictures of Bowie. And it's all thanks to us.

We also designed and sold our own Disguise Kits, and they were an instant hit. Yes folks, the UnbelievaDisguises™ sold in the thousands. The UnbelievaMasks™ were so lifelike it was scary.

One of them, though, had to be withdrawn as it was scaring little kids, although I fail to see what the problem is.

Anyway, gotta run as we have to go check the prototypes of our Paul Shaffer wigs and David Letterman teeth. See you next time!

Modelled here by G. Busey.

Back to the drawing board.

Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

• DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
• DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
• DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:

Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...

• DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
• DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
• And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

  

  Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

Disguises

Disguises: Some work ... some don't.

We all know this.

Remember that one Halloween? You had that great idea for a costume, nothing was going to stop you from doing it and you did it? You showed up at the party and, as it happened to turn out, they had a "Worst Dressed" prize ... and you won it?

You can't expect to use a half-dry Sharpie applied directly to your face
to work wonders in the disguise game

Yeah. We've all been there. The same with The Unbelievables. Sometimes our disguises work ... sometimes they don't. Here are a few examples:

 

Infiltrating a playground scam, we came across as adorable. 

 As triplets? Not so much.

But ... we got the job done ... and quickly.

There's a lot to be said for a convenient pair of glasses. (Clark Kent, anyone?) Don a pair and you can become whoever you want.

Villains are often confused at the site of obvious 3D specs.

We're not quite certain why ...)

Then, there's the all important moustache. A good moustache can be virtual "money in the bank" so to speak when it comes to disguises. 

This was a gas of a case:
We successfully foiled a deadly French recording scam as "Les Moustaches" ...
... but we lost international field operative Felipé (in black jacket) in the process.

 
Yes ... all three of us do Elvis well ...

 
... I mean ... really well ...

 
Once? The need arose were I was required to disguise myself
as Hal 9000 from Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey"
(actual photo of me dressed as Hal 9000)

 
 You'd never know this is Clark ... would you?
 

 As well, you'd never know this was Jeff, either ...

Then? There's Clark and his damned robots. I don't know what it is with him and robots (maybe he'll reveal all when he takes his turn on the subject of disguises) but the dude is bonkers about them. It goes without saying Robbie The Robot is one of his favorites ... or it was the last time anyone asked him. I could be wrong.

On one particular case all three of us were "required" (Clark's words) to don robot apparel. And I'll admit: We were pretty convincing:

Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark

The guys will tell you and, hopefully, display a few photos of some of our other clandestine outfits used to flummox the baddies and win the day. They might offer other useful tips as well.