Sounds And Words

Independent of anything else, there are sounds.

Sounds make up the fabric of our days. The banging of door closing, the click of a lock, the running of water out a faucet.

More specifically, there is the distinct sound of language being spoken, shouted, whispered, conversed.

It's no different at The Unbelieva-Base ...

"Yes! Tomorrow is Whipped Potato Day!"

"I'm headed out to play volleyball ..."
"Without pants, right?"
"Is there any other way?"

"Has anyone seen that copy of Stupid, Ugly Baby Weekly?" I have an hankering to put out an update issue and I need a copy for reference ..."

"Anyone up for a visit to Mansfield next weekend?"

"That was some Elvis celebration we had. It might not be until the end of the week before we get everything cleaned up proper."*

Pretty bland conversation, I agree. But pop in to our headquarters at any random moment and the above could very well be mish-mashed with much stranger sounds and dialog. Stuff that may leave you scratching your head, among other things.

You see, crime fighting and Unbelieva-Babe hiring (and so much more) are a very vocal processes.

Clark and Jeff will regale you in the coming days.

Me? I have to skeeeeeedaddle to an opening appearance and introduction of The Van Veen Va Vooms who have graciously invited me to introduce them at their new gig in Branson, Missouri.

*This conversation happened just last night, the supposed 38th anniversary of the "demise" of The King.

You Can't Put On A Cravat And Instantly Become A Crime Fighter, You Know ...

Dear Unbelievables:

My son's birthday is coming up next month and I thought it would be neat to pick up The Unbelievables' Starter Kit that's been rumored to its debut shortly.

That's not just a rumor ... is it? Send me the information pronto! I want you to take my money!

Thanks! Randolph

Dear Randolph:

I don't know who started that rumor. Clark and Jeff don't know either.

But I wouldn't put it past one (or several) of our arch enemies promoting such a falsehood to fund their arsenals and ideas in any attempt to orchestrate the downfall of The Unbelievables.

You have to understand it's an expensive effort to try and come up with ways for our foes to push our demise. It takes big bucks, we're sure, to work out any ill machinations they might wish against us. To wit, they'll do almost anything to bring in cash to fund their evil, twisted ideas, including putting propaganda out falsely advertising John Q. Public can become an Unbelievable.

Bottom line: There's no such thing.

Unbelievability isn't just for anyone walking down the street. It takes training, perseverance, dedication, a quick wit, a hefty wardrobe and more.

Yes, there are a few token honorary figures who can add "Unbelievable" to their business cards but they're few and far between. (Elvis, Steve McQueen are a couple heady examples.)

The Unbelievables are not about "taking your money." Sorry. 

Even if there was an Unbelievable Starter Kit, it wouldn't be for kids. That would be dangerous and irresponsible.

We hear those XBox things are pretty happening, if you want a suggestion.

Sincerely, The Unbelievables

Top 3 Albums, not just tunes

Hi folks. It's Wednesday and that means it's my turn to draw a name from the hat. Who will I get...?

Elvis Costello!
If there's one thing Elvis likes more than glasses, hats and scarves, it's having eclectic tastes in music. Or as he says, "I don't feel any form of music is beyond me in the sense of that I don't understand it or I don't have some love for some part of it." He was reluctant to share his three favorite songs with us, claiming that it would be impossible to limit that list to a mere three, but I told him I didn't have all day and asked him to just get on with it already. He insisted that it be whole albums, not just songs, and these are the three he pulled from his top shelf.

"I like this one a lot. This is, of course, Larz Kristerz and the first chapter in the 'Stuff Party' epoch. I love the concept of a Stuff Party. It can be anything you like because it's about stuff and stuff is whatever it is. 'Why are there geese in here? Who is that person dressed as a shrimp? Where is this blimp going? No one can say. It's a Stuff Party'."

"I'm not normally a huge fan of Gustav Holst, I mean I respect his work, of course, but he's not someone I find terribly interesting. I do like the direction he took with this album, though, interplanetary space war with marital aids as weapons. That's boldly creative and super sexy." A NOTE FROM CLARK: That may be how a rock star feels about it but neither of these people have any concept of cover and concealment or how to take up an effective firing stance. They'd both be riddled with dildo bullets within seconds.

"As you can tell, I love concept albums, an art form that has disappeared, it would seem. This one is my absolute favorite. In my opinion, it's the Sgt. Pepper of the 'husband-and-wife-try-to-form-pirate-crew-using-a-hotel-laundry-cart-as-a-ship-but-repeated-attempts-to-produce-suitably-ugly-children-are-all-failures-so-they-have-to-break-down-and-buy-a-ventriloquist-dummy' genre. You know, that whole thing."

Well, that's the Top Three from Elvis Costello. Tune in Friday when it's Micheal's turn to draw a name from the hat!

We Are Chameleons

Yes, it's true - we love robots, and we love disguises. Michael once told me he loved disguises so much that he wished he could do it more often. "It's like playing dress-up at preschool - except we're grownups!" he declared. And I guess in a way, that's true. Speaking of preschool, here's the day we accidentally wore matching outfits at preschool and Miss O'Hannigan nearly had a conniption fit. Our mums did laugh when they saw us!

Anyway, our skill in the disguise department rubbed off on our two honorary Unbelievables, The Flight Of The Conchords. They loved the robot outfits above all else.

So it's Bret and Jemaine we have to thank, as they came up with a genius idea - hold an Unbelievinar™ on the art of disguise. We went with it, and who do you think rolled up for the first class? A certain young English musician named David Jones (at least, that's what his name was back in those days). He took our lessons to heart and has since made a career out of re-inventing himself every few years. Here's a little collage of photos of Mr. Jones (or should I say, Bowie) to illustrate my point. Yes folks, believe it or not, these are all pictures of Bowie. And it's all thanks to us.

We also designed and sold our own Disguise Kits, and they were an instant hit. Yes folks, the UnbelievaDisguises™ sold in the thousands. The UnbelievaMasks™ were so lifelike it was scary.

One of them, though, had to be withdrawn as it was scaring little kids, although I fail to see what the problem is.

Anyway, gotta run as we have to go check the prototypes of our Paul Shaffer wigs and David Letterman teeth. See you next time!

Modelled here by G. Busey.

Back to the drawing board.

Disguises

Disguises: Some work ... some don't.

We all know this.

Remember that one Halloween? You had that great idea for a costume, nothing was going to stop you from doing it and you did it? You showed up at the party and, as it happened to turn out, they had a "Worst Dressed" prize ... and you won it?

You can't expect to use a half-dry Sharpie applied directly to your face
to work wonders in the disguise game

Yeah. We've all been there. The same with The Unbelievables. Sometimes our disguises work ... sometimes they don't. Here are a few examples:

 

Infiltrating a playground scam, we came across as adorable. 

 As triplets? Not so much.

But ... we got the job done ... and quickly.

There's a lot to be said for a convenient pair of glasses. (Clark Kent, anyone?) Don a pair and you can become whoever you want.

Villains are often confused at the site of obvious 3D specs.

We're not quite certain why ...)

Then, there's the all important moustache. A good moustache can be virtual "money in the bank" so to speak when it comes to disguises. 

This was a gas of a case:
We successfully foiled a deadly French recording scam as "Les Moustaches" ...
... but we lost international field operative Felipé (in black jacket) in the process.

 
Yes ... all three of us do Elvis well ...

 
... I mean ... really well ...

 
Once? The need arose were I was required to disguise myself
as Hal 9000 from Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey"
(actual photo of me dressed as Hal 9000)

 
 You'd never know this is Clark ... would you?
 

 As well, you'd never know this was Jeff, either ...

Then? There's Clark and his damned robots. I don't know what it is with him and robots (maybe he'll reveal all when he takes his turn on the subject of disguises) but the dude is bonkers about them. It goes without saying Robbie The Robot is one of his favorites ... or it was the last time anyone asked him. I could be wrong.

On one particular case all three of us were "required" (Clark's words) to don robot apparel. And I'll admit: We were pretty convincing:

Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark

The guys will tell you and, hopefully, display a few photos of some of our other clandestine outfits used to flummox the baddies and win the day. They might offer other useful tips as well.  

The Bad Guys? They Go Bananas Over Charley Chimp

I'm preaching to the choir when I say The Unbelievables are masters of disguise as well as unparalleled masters of all things weaponry-ish. (Sometimes? We're even masters of our own fates.)
 
And it's the furthest thing from our minds not to admit we've had plenty of help on the path toward the dashing, mannerly Stylish Gentlemen we are today.

A few "helpful" examples include (but are not limited to): Playboy Magazine's own Hugh Hefner ... the various weapons used in our exploits, including the innovative Lobster Rage Fist *shoots a glare in Jeff's general direction* ...the ultra-fabulous Unbelieva-Babes ... even The King himself, Elvis. The list goes on and on and on.

And, most recently in this very blog - as you've seen courtesy of my cohorts Jeff and Clark - the lovely Sindy and ever-ready Captain Action, respectively.

But there's one more instrumental character in our seemingly unending arsenal of readyment and gain: Charley Chimp, the cymbal-banging monkey toy.

Charley Chimp

Originally manufactured by the Japanese company Daishin C.K. in the 1950s under the moniker "Musical Jolly Chimp," Charley has been an invaluable (if little mentioned) tool in The Unbelievables' crime fighting efforts. He might not have the savoir faire of Sindy nor the flair pour l'action of the Captain, but he's been an affecting part of our team for quite some time.

His strengths are rooted in his simplicity. Flip a switch at his back and Charley begins banging his cymbals noisily. What fun! Better yet, what a distraction.

Yes ... the perfect bane of the ne'er-do-wells we come across time and again. And again. 

You see ... in the early days we really needed someone (or something) to create a diversion when necessary, a surprise element to throw the bad guys off their game. Hey, we enjoy an old fashioned "good vs. evil" tussel just as much as the next guy, but there's a lot to be said (along with the possibility of a lot less damage) in simply nabbing villains without a scuffle.

Of course there are times when a real, live body is the only thing that will do the trick. But one afternoon I came up with the brilliant idea of utilizing monkeys in place of people. (After all: Just like bacon, isn't everything better with monkeys?) Being cute, intelligent, trainable and useful to a fault, Clark was on board right away ... but Jeff was on the fence. (I think he might have been a bit jealous, truth be told.) Following my suggestion, Jeff came in the very next day wearing his version of a diversionary tactic incorporating monkeys:

Monkey Bra: Good for raucous tiki parties ... not so good for crime fighting ...

Much to his chagrin, Jeff was shot down immediately. Wearing one of those only put a person in danger ... and it wasn't much of a diversion.   

Naturally, there was need for a little Research and Development if we were going to utilize monkeys to their full potential. Live animals were brought in and trained; for the most part they worked out rather well. But the cost of maintenance, foodstuffs, et al got a little pricey.

Enter Charley Chimp.

Set with a remote to activate the switch on Charley's backside, we were golden. The perfect foil to create that momentary hesitation we sometimes needed to throw evil doers off their game. 

It's not only the surprise of seeing Charley on one's doorstep that makes one take a mental step backward. Nor is it the annoying cymbal-clanging that gets to you, either. Charley's appearance can be quite the eye-opener, frequently raising the hair on the back of your neck. See for yourself:

Kind of cute ...

 RATHER FRIGHTENING ... !!!

Not the most attractive of mugs ... wouldn't you agree? It's plain to see how a bad guy would cringe at the mere glimpse Charley's hideous visage. And sometimes that's all we need to commandeer the upperhand in a given situation.

And ... those eyes. The eyes can really get to you, if you know what I mean:

Charley's eyes bulge on command, creating a rather disturbing appearance that would cause anyone to stop dead in their tracks. So you can see how Charley makes a terrific companion in our fight against injustice.

Plus, there's one more little trick up our sleeves we use to keep things in line. The "Charley Token," a simple carved Charley image to remind hooligans and delinquents we've been in their neck of the woods, so they better mind their Ps and Qs:

Yeah ... that's rather daunting as well. You can plainly see how members of the "We Don't Have The Best Intentions Where Your Welfare Is Concerned" set would be freaked out by this.

See? He's ready at a moment's notice

Charley Chimp. He's quite the useful means to throw a wrench in the bad guy machine ... and the perfect compliment to both Sindy and Captain Action.

   

How Elvis got to be everywhere

Yes, Elvis was a very good friend and an invaluable confidante to The Unbelievables. We were devastated when he passed away. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to mourn before we had to spring into action to deal with the consequences of his death.



You ain't nothing but a group
of organisms or cells produced
asexually from one ancestor or stock,
to which they are genetically identical.



Very, very few people knew about this but one of Elvis's greatest interests was human genetics, specifically the area of cloning. Deep beneath the Graceland compound is a laboratory where far stranger things routinely took place than could ever occur at Area 51, which doesn't even exist so forget I mentioned that. Being a conscientious and ethical scientist, Elvis insisted on conducting these experiments only on himself. As a result, he accumulated thousands of clones over the years. Some of these experiments were more successful than others but he kept them all in a holding facility, where they were fed and cared for lovingly... until his death. That day, utterly distraught at the passing of their patriarch, the cloned Elvises (or Elvi) broke out of the holding facility and swarmed out into the world, running amuck over the state of Tennessee. The level of panic was incredible. The city of Memphis fell almost immediately. Citizens were advised to head to the state capital in Nashville with the promise of first aid, shelter and protection from the National Guard, but that was a pipe dream. All major population centers were completely overrun within days. Stockpiles of food, ammunition and KC and the Sunshine Band records were being exhausted at an alarming rate. Small bands of survivors scavenged for supplies by day and tried their best to avoid being serenaded by off-key renditions of "Love Me Tender" by night. Those people did the the best they could against the Elvi but they were fighting a losing battle. Thousands of people were being Thanked, Thanked Very Much every day.

"Ma'am, the hunk a hunk a burnin' love is coming from JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!"

We got there as soon as we could to assess the situation and came up with a plan right away. Since all British people know each other, Jeff called his pal Paul McCartney (who had faked his own death in 1966 so he could quit the Beatles and concentrate on his true passion, sheep herding, but that's a whole other story) who immediately assisted us in training elite Beatlemania commando units. Because there's nothing in the world that Elvis found more threatening than the Beatles, with the possible exception of a nice, fresh salad.

Although, there's nothing that says you can't deep fry a salad.

We deployed those units strategically throughout the region, where they encountered the clones who turned and retreated in terror. Eventually, they were able to steer the majority of the Elvi back to Graceland where they were corralled again, hosed down and given a nice meal of banana pudding and Dilaudid. They settled right down and are docile and happy today, ranging freely about on Graceland's back 40 acres, an area not open to the public. 



Beatle Team 6; the unsung heroes of Loudon, Knox, Grainger and Claiborne counties



The operation wasn't a complete success, as some got as far away as South Carolina, Georgia and New Mexico where they took jobs as short order cooks at truck stops, leading some to believe they had sighted The King himself. Even now, finding some of the stray clones in places all over the globe is not uncommon. All we can say is that should give you an idea of the sheer numbers we were faced with back in 1977. At least, as Michael pointed out, they're manageable now. And you're welcome.



"B-a-a-a-con, p-e-eanut butter, b-a-a-nana sandwiches!!!"



Just Like The Unbelievables, Elvis Is Everywhere

Fellow Unbelievable Jeff made a statement in his previous post which is absolutely correct: "... anyone who says they're Elvis, and therefore anyone who says they've seen Elvis despite the fact that he was meant to be dead, is a bald-faced liar."

Of course, that doesn't discount the fact Elvis is everywhere. After all ... there's a little bit of Elvis in everybody:


 
Elvis is the icon of icons. Often imitated. Frequently instigated. Forever re-created. But (more often than not) a pale in comparison to the original, The King.

Still ... there are a few brave souls out there The Unbelievables tip our hats at for their on-going tributes to not only the memory of the one and only Elvis Aaron Presley, but to The Unbelievables' association with him as well. Here are just a few of them ...

Dread Zeppelin (complete with front man Tortelvis) is a fine, fine example:

The dynamic (and very original) Tortelvis of Dread Zeppelin

The Cramps with lead Lux Interior who absolutely had the ghost of Elvis residing inside him (rest in peace, Lux):

The late Lux Interior (Erick Lee Purkhiser) of The Cramps

"A Date With Elvis" ... and its (evil?) red-headed step sister ...

And, of course, there are more, more, more, more, more. Jim Carrey as Elvis. The Mexican Elvis, El Vez. Kurt Russell as Elvis. Kevin Costner as Elvis ...
 

If Jim Carrey has some Elvis in him, you know what that means:
So does The Grinch ...

iMierda en un palo, Batman! iEs El Vez!

No ... it's not The Wonder Twins ... it's Kurt and Kevin

Truly, Elvis is everywhere. And I haven't even begun to scratch the surface. 

So what does it all mean? What do all these "Elvii" incarnations mean? It's simply the power of The King all around us, not sightings of him here on Earth once again. Just reminders his spirit continues to be with us even though his body is not. 

Thousands pay tribute to Elvis everyday. By playing his music, donning garb, imitating him, more. It's a fitting tribute to The King ... and honorary Unbelievable.

Uh huh-huh ...