A Magnum Pain In The Rear

Like my compadre Clark said on Monday, we have had to threaten legal action on a few previous occasions. When you are three cool, stylish, butt-kicking, no-nonsense crimefighters with wicked moves and sweet wheels like we are, it's inevitable that some unscrupulous character is gonna try and steal your mojo in order to make a quick cynical buck or five. So it was with the show Magnum, P.I.

We looked forward to this show when we first heard about it, but as soon as it appeared on our sleek and stylish Zenith TV (below), we were shocked by the amount of the show's content that just had to have been lifted from our lives. We found out that it had been some sneaky CBS flunkey that had been taking one of our Unbelieva-Babes named Pearl Sandswine out on dates, getting her tipsy on Cold Duck and Annie Green Springs, and then pumping her for inside information. Poor girl, she was innocent as the day is long, but once the booze hit her, she just spilled the beans. We had to let her go, of course, but we made sure she had at least got bus fare back to her Gam-Gam's house in Enumclaw, WA.

We went right back to watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

We then set to with a cease-and-desist action against CBS Television, citing these similarities:

First, Magnum is a stylish dude (like us) with great taste in shirts (like us):

Secondly, he's got great facial hair (like us):

Thirdly, he kicks butt (like us):

Fourthly, he drives a cool car (like us):

Fifth, he is handy with weaponry (like us):

Sixth, he is constantly surrounded by beautiful women (Hello, ladies!) (exactly like us):

Tough gig.

The similarities were so close it was scary. We could not believe the nerve of Donald P. Bellisario and Glen A. Larson. Giving away our secrets like that! If he'd lived under a laundromat it would have given the entire game away. So we had to keep on pressing the network to stop showing Magnum, until finally, after a mere 7 and a half years, the show was pulled. We had won against the big boys! And Mr. Selleck? Well, he was so ashamed at having been part of it that he shaved off his moustache. And what has he done of note since? Exactly. He doesn't look right.

Who are you?

Mr. Nobody.

Tom who?

Check please, waiter.

A word of advice to T. Selleck, Esq. - if you want to work again, stick with the 'stache. The ladies love it.

And as for anyone else that wants to create a TV show based on us, just remember, we tried to do it ourselves once. And where did that get us? All that is left is the opening credits....