Friday, August 30, 2013

Coming clean. Again. Still.

JEFF: All right, boys. Let's put on some pants and hit the town.
CLARK: Good idea!
MICHAEL: You guys brought pants?
What is truth anyway? Who really knows? Not me, that's for sure. Anyway, everything, every single last thing, we have posted here is rooted in truthesque topsoil. How far those roots extend is open to interpretation, guesses or wild speculation. Yes, we were in Switzerland. All of us. Yes, Michael went about doing his own thing, as he is wont to do. And yes, Jeff invented sex boxes. Here's where that whole truth thing gets... murky. You see, Jeff has had what he calls his "sex boxes" for years. Typically, they're various, small, hand-held units that he carries around with him. Some of them are quite colorful. Often, we find him singing to them. We don't know what goes on but whatever. They make him happy so we leave him alone. What happened in Zurich last week is Jeff and I were on a train and he was singing to one ("Sex box, sex box, I love you more than a bagel loves lox") and it drew the unwanted attention of the conductor who alerted the authorities and bing, bang, boom, we eventually found ourselves in the mayor's office, making up a story about a public works project for strumpets. That's right; it was less weird and uncomfortable to come up with that whopper that Jeff told the other day than it was to explain his... hobby. And that's the truth. More or less.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sometimes It's About Where We Aren't ...

The thing is this:

Clark and Jeff and I haven't seen each other in some time. None of us have been in the same room in over a week.

While Jeff has confessed "we lied," I can confidently state - without reservation - that I have not.

I have indeed been in Sweden ... partaking of all I've said.

While I applaud Jeff for his revelation to you, the public, about snagging ne'er-do-wells, I haven't the faintest idea what Clark was been up to. (Or ... if he was even in Switzerland ...)

So there.

Indeed, I've been knee-deep in cuckoo clocks. Navigating plate-fulls of Swedish meatballs. And munching almost non-stop on knäckebröd. At least I was truthful about those things.

I can't always account for the whatfors and whereabouts of my two Unbelievable colleagues. (Clark will certainly detail what his involvement was last week ... stay tuned.)

Me? I'm recovering from fonduery ...

Monday, August 26, 2013

Coming Clean

Usually we Unbelievables only lie when it absolutely calls for it. To us, the truth is paramount. Honesty is the best policy and all that malarkey. But there are those special times when a bit of creativity in the truth department is called for, and we have to tell a little fib, a porky pie or an outright whopper.

And last week, we lied to you, the people of Earth. We were less than honest about our activities in Zurich. We actually did the unthinkable and completely fabricated the whole thing.

So what were we actually doing? Well, fear not, good citizens. All shall be revealed in good time. Suffice it to say at this point in time we were doing something for the good of personkind.

It came to our attention that Zurich, where prostitution is legal, is fast becoming the 'in' place for stressed-out executives to conveniently 'have a meeting', which as we know is code for a quickie with a streetwalker.

Zurich, being one of those cities where they hate to see people inconvenienced, noted the amount of harassment that their town trollops were experiencing and kindly came up with this idea...

Yes! It's called a sex-box. The idea being that it's a safe environment for ladies of the night to take their 'dates' to, with a convenient alarm on the passenger side should things go awry. The prostitute can bail and hit the alarm, and before you can say "locked in your car", the rozzers are down on the offending john like a ton of the proverbials.

Truth is, this was our idea.

Yes, we did all the research and feasibility studies, fronted the money and were in Zurich last week to see them unveiled. So there you are. Of course, we were there to see all that other stuff we talked about - watches, chocolate, cheese, hot stewardesses - but this was the main purpose of our trip. You're welcome, world.

Now we are back and fully refreshed. And not a moment too soon, it seems - for we have another foul fiend to attend to - this young lady needs correcting and soon.

We are so on the case. Clark and Michael will keep you updated on our progress.


P.S. Oh, and Switzerland? Love that flag - it's a big plus.

Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm Cuckoo (Clock) For Sweden

 All of a sudden, there's no work to be done! It's all vacation time!

While Jeff and Clark are busy monkeying around in Switzerland, I decided to make merry in Sweden! I've "taken leave" on my own to venture out and partake of even more than what the Swiss have to offer.

Smörgåsbord me, Baby ... !!!

Fun in the Swedish sun! Better cuckoo clocks! Even more cheese galore! Smörgåsbords! Delights for everyone!

Personally, I don't have time to fool around with handbags outrageously priced at tens of thousands of dollars. *pshah* I'll leave that to the other guys.

(The chocolate I can do without, too. I've never been a big fan ...)

Yep. I'm a huge knäckebröd fan. Pass the butter ...

But ... Holy Crow! The fondue parties they can toss! The knäckebröd! Swedish meatballs all around! I'm in food heaven over here!

Swedish yum!

And, while visiting? The only hope and dream I have is to find out where Max Von Sydow lives. I have a super secret timepiece that's certain to clue me in as to his whereabouts in this lovely country ...

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Raising Hell-Vetica

Yes, that's right folks. This week we are in Switzerland, the most peace-loving country on the planet. Being peaceful guys ourselves, we love it here. So much so, we like to take weekend breaks up to Leavenworth, WA, which looks like an Alpine resort.

 There are lots of wonderful things here in la Suisse and we each have our favourites. Michael loves the Swiss' skill in making timepieces and has amassed an impressive collection of cool watches.

With this model "The Spaceman" he liked to sit there and talk into it like it was a communicator, saying "Houston, we have a problem" and "That's one small step for Michael, one giant leap for a kangaroo", etc.

With this one he kept making robot noises. "Shut up!" we cried. "Robots don't really keep telling people that they're robots!"

I seem to recall the day he got this one. He kept trying to impress us with the funny words he could make by typing in numbers and the showing them to us upside-down. He derived great mirth from typing "0.7734", "71077345" and of course, "5318008". We wouldn't have minded but we were in the Unbelieva-mobile on a stakeout at the time.
The downside to his love of timepieces is his similarly large collection of cuckoo clocks.

Repellent things. I can't stand them, personally, and Clark is a wee bit scared of them.
As to the things that Clark likes about Switzerland, he's got a soft spot about chocolate, in all its forms.

He's got all their LP's.
He's also a big fan of Swiss Cheese. In fact, any cheese.

Nope... we've already covered that kind of cheese.

Ain't no party like a fondue party, as Clark and Michael demonstrate here.

As for myself, there are two things I think of when I think Switzerland. The first is alpine pursuits.

Skiing with the gals...

and more skiing. With the gals.
The second is the lovely smiling air hostesses we met on Swissair.

Nope, she's not happy. Not with that man twisting her body into that pose. He doesn't even look like he's been to dental college.

More like it. This is what we mean.
Now sadly, Swissair is no more. It's been replaced by Swiss International Airlines. I hope their flight attendants are of a similar ilk.

Not bad.

More like it!

Now, I'm off to show my new Swiss Army knife to that showoff Clark. Beat this, buddy!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Greetings from Zurich!

Hi folks. We're in Switzerland!
As you probably heard, media mogul Oprah Winfrey was involved in a situation here in Zurich where she was (alledgedly) denied the opportunity to purchase a $38,000 purse. As is sometimes the case, whether we're asked or not, The Unbelievables have decided to become involved in this case. Well, not this actual incident. But we want to know why a purse would cost $38,000. Current theories we're investigating include:
  • It turns into a motorcycle.
  • It comes with $37,975.00 in gold coins.
  • It's part of "Operation: Robin Hood", an elaborate world-wide program designed to take money from people who have too much of it and re-circulate it into the economy.
We'll see how that works out. But in the meantime, it's got us thinking about fashion accessories and how passionate people (ladies) are about them.
Candace, our accountant, loves to put on her go-go boots before getting down on the floor and working on her computer
The '80s were a good time to own stock in a lace factory
Good accessory: A hat. Better accessory: Extra armfuls of girls
When it comes to eye protection that can be gnawed on seductively, it's hard to beat a good pair of shades.
Wow. Women are crazy, huh? Ha ha ha! Let's see what Jeff and Michael have to say about the matter later this week. Until then, I'm heading back to the chalet to figure out this new knife I just got downtown.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Next Time, He'll Use His "Words" Instead Of His Actions

The above?

Clark's "thinking chair" he was relegated to a week ago for his "handling" of Goldjacket

He grouched and whined a lot when Jeff and I forced punishment on him for his actions, but that's okay. These things need to take place now and again to keep everyone on the up and up.

I'm happy to report Clark is his usual self once more and has learned from his mistake.

Yes ... even members of The Unbelievables get the occasional reprimand.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Debunking Those Urban Legends

Yes, urban legends are terribly troublesome because some people will believe just about anything. How could David Cameron have gotten to be Prime Minister if that wasn't true?

But the urban legends that people believe the most are those surrounding musicians. Which is why Michael Jackson's hardcore fans still believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that MJ only ever went under the surgeon's knife twice. 

Our celeb mate Phil Collins is the subject of an urban legend - or several, in fact - surrounding the song In The Air Tonight. Many people believe the subject matter in the song is to do with a drowning incident or rape or murder that Phil witnessed, and was unable to help in any way. Or that Phil's friend drowned while a man stood idly by and did nothing about it. People who believe these stories are clearly unaware of metaphor. We had heard all these rumours and asked Phil point blank one day while playing lacrosse, "What up with that song, yo?"

"Well," sez Mr. Collins (for it was he), "It was like this..."

"I was practising my juggling one day and I went into a trance-like state. During this trance the juggling balls seemed to go ever higher and sort of come down in slow motion. At the same time, a soundtrack started playing in my head and I could hear the instrumentation for the entire song, just writing itself. When I awoke from this trance I legged it over to the studio and laid it down. I added the 'in the air tonight' bit myself as a reference to the juggling balls in slo-mo."

A likely story, Phil. We know more to this tale. Hugo Weaving, famous for portraying the Elf king in The Lord Of The Rings, was a co-star of Phil's in the 'riotous romp' Frauds. He was a big fan of Phil's, always loved the song and created the rumours so that it would gain popularity. Trouble is, the rumours got out of hand and now we have all these people believing Phil has got it in for some guy who refused to aid a drowning person.

Looks like this one still has legs, so we hopefully have done a public service by putting our two cents in. You're welcome.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

One thing leads to another

Hey, speaking of weird, unsettling noises that should never have ended up on the finished records of professional musicians aided by technologically competent recording engineers, do you all remember the Ohio Players hit single "Love Rollercoaster"? Sure you do, if you spent any time at all in a skating rink or disco in 1975. There's an urban legend that an audible scream on the song is that of a woman being murdered when the song was recorded.

It isn't what you think.

Yes, there was a scream but nobody was murdered. We know, we were there. We had rented an apartment next door to the Players' recording studio in New Jersey (go figure).We were trying to track down the first known video pirates who had somehow produced bootleg copies of "The Exorcist".
We owned one of the first VCRs. It cost $4000, weighed 120 lbs. and the only movie available for rent was "Zardoz".

Jeff was screening one of the copies and let out a blood-curdling scream when something startled him.

"Movies don't scare me", he scoffed. "A mouse ran across my foot...I mean a rat. An enormous rabid, rat. He got up on his hind legs, making him, six...feet tall. Everybody knows New Jersey is home to massive, diseased rodents. He hissed at me whilst baring blood-streaked fangs. I screamed...yelled... to scare him off because if you guys saw him you'd shoot him or kick him out of a window. That's all."
"So... we shouldn't try to kill giant rats with rabies?", I asked.
"I'm saying you two tend to overreact every time you see something strange, like an innocent little girl's head turn completely around while she's projectile vomiting and saying the most awful things."
"Little girl? I thought we were talking about a rat", Michael said.
"Shut up!"
The Ohio Players came over to make sure everything was okay. We made friends with those guys quickly after this exchange took place between Michael and drummer Jimmy "Diamond" Williams:
MICHAEL: If you guys are the Ohio Players, why aren't you in Ohio?
JIMMY: I don't know; if you guys are The Unbelievables,why aren't you at Disneyland?
MICHAEL: Point taken.
They really liked Jeff's scream and asked if they could leave it on the record. We were honored and didn't give Jeff a hard time about it because it was the '70s and people went around screaming about different things all the time.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The Unbelievables: Here To Serve You

We, The Unbelievables, get letters ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

What's the deal with the odd 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-waaaaah' in The Casinos' 'Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye' ... ???

Listening to the song, it has all the trappings of terrific doo-wap but that 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-waaaaah' seems out of place to me.

Any clues?

Thanks, Jimmy John"

You have a good ear, JJ. Truth be told, that "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-waaaaah" was never part of the original song. 

John D. Loudermilk - quite the prolific pensman in his career - wrote the tune, but it was, shall we say, "mismanaged" by producer Gene Hughes during its recording by Don Cherry. (The more popular version was released by The Casinos above.)

My careful research has revealed a previously unknown outtake recording wherein Hughes was found to have altered the tune's construction and lyrics to not only include the 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-waaaaah' but the title of the track as well.

He tells Loudermilk at one point in the outtake:

"Look ... trust me: Put the 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-waaaaah' in there. Then if it don't work out you can tell me goodbye and I won't put my two cents in again. Deal?"
Voila. The title of this classic and the ever-present funky and iconic part.

JJ? The Unbelievables ... here for you once again. We're not just crime fighters.

You're welcome.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Tying up the Twinkie trap

I was puzzling over this latest mystery with the Twinkie snacks the other day, trying to figure out what the sinister angle could possibly be this time, when suddenly it hit me.
Twinkies are made of sponge cake and creme filling.
Sponge cake.
Sponge. Cake.
Sweet Pee Wee Herman on The View! The fiends (whoever they were) planned to use the Twinkies as actual sponges and absorb up all the real cake! This would deprive the world of cake, thus making us reliant on... Twinkies!
A world without this? Nooooooo!

I didn't have time to consult Jeff or Michael. I had to act rashly quickly. I drove down to the old abandoned Twinkie plant, former lair of The Hostess. I made my way inside where I was confronted.
"Oh! You must be my ten o'clock! I kind of thought you'd come in through a door. No matter. I'm Jan. Let's take a look around, shall we?"

Just as I had suspected. A new evil villain we had never encountered before: Goldjacket.
"Right", she said. "Now, as you can see, this is a large factory space. We're in the office area but you can see the factory floor area down below. You have a loading dock right over there. The plumbing was all recently re-done. It's ideal for the mass production of snack foods of course, but could be tailored for really anything. You know, what's really trendy is to take a space like this, put up some walls and make residential units. Like condos! What fun!"
I had heard enough.
"It was just a suggestiiiiiiiooooooooooonnnnnnn"
I figured the case was solved but when I got back to the Unbelieva-base, Jeff and Michael were not happy.Apparently, they thought my actions were "inappropriate" and that my logic was "flawed", "less than thoroughly considered" and "impossibly stupid". Long story short, I'm sort of suspended, relegated to menial office tasks for the immediate future. 
That's okay. I kind of think I need a rest.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Once Again, There's Potential Evil In Them There Sweets

A lot - and I mean a lot - can happen in just a couple days.

Jeff intimated about more doings with Twinkies and Company and what's come before. I can let you in on a couple "hints" of what's to come. Nothing concrete, but you'll have no doubt big doings are in the works.

Remember Clark's big reveal concerning incendiaries and other things that go boom on those boxes of Suzy Q's, Ho Ho's and Donettes? Well ... that's sort of the same situation here: The Powers That Be over there at the newly reconstructed company are attempting to inject monkey business into the soft cream filling of those sponge cakes once more.

And that's just not going to fly. What's failed before will fail again. The bad guys ... they just don't learn. They think they can just let a bad idea alone until it fades from memory and then << POW! >> they resurrect it for their evil intentions thinking no one will notice.

News Flash: The Unbelievables don't forget.

Wait for it. It's coming.

Meanwhile, I have to go clean up after Jeff. Yesterday was Tuesday ... and you know what that means.

Whipped potato day.

We really need to teach him to tone down the gluttony and utilize a little tuber restraint ...

 Evil. Times two ...

Update: Wait ... what? What happened with The Klumpmasterflash Twins, you squawked about last week Michael?

Things don't always work the way you'd think in The Unbelievables' world. Wrenches get thrown into the machine ... complications arise. All I can say is be patient. All will be revealed ... soon ...

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Sweetest Comeback Ever?

Sooo... I guess you're all aware by now that Twinkies, the nutritional equivalent of trucker hats, are back on the shelves in the good ole U.S. of A. Just when you thought it was safe to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart for a six pack of PBR and a cardboard tray full of flavoured sandpaper covered in tasteless molten yellow lava  serving of nachos, there's the box of nasty spongey things staring at you, just taunting you... "you want to buy me, don'tcha... you know you do... c'monnnn, just for old times' sake...". That's the LAST thing you want or need, and the last thing you should think about doing. 

Remember back last November when the Twinkies disappeared? We wrote about the whole sorry saga. Well, now they're back, saved from extinction by Apollo Global Management (Carl's Jr.) and Metropoulos & Co. (PBR, as it happens). At least, that's what they want you to think. We are keeping a very close eye on the affairs of Hostess, lest we suffer a repeat of last year's doings. Watch this space.

Friday, August 2, 2013

(Klumpmaster) Flashes In The Pan


How could I have fallen so hard for the wiles of the Klumpmasterflash Twins?

Because the fact of the matter is that I did. (That Jeff ... he *had* to bring them up ...)

It's not like I turn my head at every Bombshell, Nicolette and Mary who walks past. ("Hello, Ladies!") But ... The Klumpmasterflash Twins were something special. Interesting. Exciting. Intriguing. And damned dangerous.

I mean ... look at those do's and tell me you aren't affected by their attractiveness? After all, The Unbelievables - stylish gents that we are - have an eye for the couture, you know.

Greta and Gerta tripped my trigger something fierce, though. As a young lad, I was taken by their devil-may-care style and forceful wills ... and there were two of them! More to mingle with ... !!! Yet they were instrumental in molding me into the Unbelievable I am today ... all because of their overpowering devious natures.

In those heady days of youth, you have the tendency sometimes to make grave mistakes, poor decisions, unwise turns in life's forks in the road. And I almost went down a path leading straight into Klumpmasterflash Batongaville.

Want all the sordid details? Tune in tomorrow. It turns out there are a few confidential files regarding The Twins which need to be declassified properly prior to being revealed here ...