All-Star Secrets Continued: Yum Yum

"One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists ...)"

Yes, learning the quirks of some of these incredible people is pretty fascinating. I, for one, never knew that not only is Barack Obama an "Arrested Development" fan, but that he's very proud of his Lucille Bluth impression...

Not bad, sir.

 But when it comes to the pursuit of epicurean delights, well, that's when you can really pick up on some valuable insights...

Ben Affleck, the actor currently wearing The Dark Guy's cape and cowl, can actually unhinge his jaw in order to wolf down an entire MacWhopper in one bite. Hey, being the vigilante guardian of Gollum City doesn't allow for the luxury of nibbling.

Katie Price, star of being attractive, suffers from a rare condition known as "Narcoleatsy". Food makes her sleepy. She has been known to pitch forward and face-plant into her plate during meals. She once almost drowned in a platter of BBQ Pork Nachos.

"Go ahead, make some more!"

Clint Eastwood, known for his iconic roles as "Dirty Henry" and "Hugh Plains, Drifter" and "Talks To Chairs", does not like being informed that all the jelly donuts are sold out.

"Hey Cameron Craig! Craig! Yeah, you! You suck!"

Oprah Winfrey, who shot to multi-media super-stardom as the star of "The Sally Jessy Raphael Show", is known for eating healthy. Except for once a year when she attends the Gem State Classic Pro Rodeo in Blackfoot, Idaho, that is. Every year, she spends that week binging on corn dogs and heckling cowboys.

Pop diva Britney Spears ("One More Time, Baby" and "Oops, What Did I Do This Time") also has a food-induced sleep disorder. She suffers from SomNomNombulism, otherwise known as sleep-eating. Her tour rider stipulates that she can't stay in any hotels whose pillows resemble cupcakes.

It turns out that Justin Bieber, professional Canadian irritant, is an uncultured savage and a moron. I think that one was self-evident. though.

The Case Of "Who's The Dummy Now?" (Part 2)

Wait ... what? You're skeptical of the story above Clark told? You want cold, hard facts as back-up of what really went down? Hold on a minute ...

*checks files for verification declassification may be revealed at this time*

Hokay ... I got the word. I can shuttle a little bit of light on the situation to help the skeptics out there.

Ever hear of a little reality competition by the name of ... American Idol? I thought you might. Know what it is? The ratings-waining Fox program is one of the cogs in the popular "church" Clark noted last post. No ... I can't reveal the name of the church. But what I can do is show you a few of the facts of the matter.
 
The 12th season of the show recently wrapped with - for the first time in 5 years - a female claiming the winning spot in the competition. Previous to that, guys had won the American Idol crown over and over again. The last girl to grab take the reigns of the show? Jordan Sparks back in 2007. Know why? Because it was The Unbelievables swift and savvy operative ways the prevented girls from being crowned an American Idol over thus preventing the rampant human trafficking that's been so rampant.

Yes, the guys' wins have been a direct reflections of our efforts to quell the insidious doings and resulting consequences ending the female contestants being cast into the most degrading, disgusting and miserable enterprise ever invented - the recording industry. (Hey! Clark said that in so many words!)

Of course, we can't spill the beans on all the methods to our madness ... but let it be known we planted certain and various "foils" and "infiltrators" in order to 1) extract information, 2) infiltrate their evil ways, and; 3) plant that wrench firmly into the Idol machine so that the "church" and the recording industry was at least stunted in releasing radio bubblegum and blather and foisting supposed "ear candy" on an unsuspecting public.

Any doubt why we code named her "The Body" ... ???

Former judges Kara DioGuardi (code named "The Body")? Steven Tyler (code named "Fake Sgt. Pepper")? Jennifer Lopez (code named "Fatass")? Ellen DeGeneres (code named "Doorstop")? They were on The Unbelievables' payroll in an effort to thwart the goings on "the church" had on its list of "things to do today." Simon Cowell? No one could really tell him what to do, let alone "suggest" he do the right thing, i.e. good samaritanism. Randy Jackson? His "dawg pound" contingent was much more important to him. And Paula Abdul? Seriously: Has there ever been any light behind those eyes?

Two of these three were on The Unbelievables' payroll

DioGuardi, Tyler and Lopez were instrumental in injecting their brand of monkey business (at The Unbelievables' behest) retarding the female exploitation. (No. DeGeneres wasn't key in any aspect of these doings. Did you not get the irony of her code name?) But staunching illegal human activity for ill gains has been baffled with this past season of Idol. And, specifically, with the interjection of new judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj.

Foils! Their drama was a ruse!

The producers of the show worked overtime with that popular "church" to poison the general populace into thinking the banter and catfights between Carey and Minaj were simply dramatic interludes during the competition. In truth, they were sly, calculated offshoots meant to deflect our thoughts elsewhere while Idol worked its evil ways on a much grander (and secretive) blueprint. To date, we still don't know how far-reaching the efforts of the two female judges' drama was integral to the process. But the result? Well ... how else does anyone explain the sad lack of talent you saw during this last season, with the men of the Top 10 outed and the eventual Final 5 all female? Their sniping at each other wasn't just tabloid fodder; the producers orchestrated those not-so-subtle machinations in such ways most of us saw coincidence after coincidence with the men being ousted and the women coming out unscathed. Little did we know (until it was much too late) the ulterior motives in so doing gave Idol the pick of the litter when it came to which female contest they chose to move "forward" in the recording industry.

Once we began looking into the case of "Who's The Dummy Now?" The Unbelievables saw the fishy-ness of their plan. The "dummy" is, of course, the viewing public who thought their innocent voting ways on the show were sincere efforts to garner a female winner on Idol ... not insidious human trafficking. 

Naturally, with "the church" being foiled by our discovery of how they manipulated the system, they very well couldn't use either Carey or Minaj again, resulting in the "mass firing" of all the judging panel on Idol. (Side Note: While Randy Jackson didn't have anything to do with any of the underhanded ways, Keith Urban was indeed placed in a secondary role as a go-between in the midst of the two womens' rants and raves. Urban's installation into the mix was as "a sympathetic advisor" meant to further distract any looky-loos who might get wise to Idol's (and "the church's") plans.

Mark my words: American Idol's next winner? Not only will he be male, but will quash any insidious, illegal criminal activity against humanity.

Thank You, Unbelievinar™

Really, we could go on and on and on and on about our successes with celebrity boneheads who - for one reason or another - don't think before they act and commit public buffoonery that ends up irreparably damaging their careers. 

Celebrity-ism is a slippery slope and there are few who can handle it.  And handle it well. But thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™ there's hope for the "hiccup" in some of our favorite tabloid targets' careers.

  "The Unbelievables made sure I don't 'Oops!' and do it again ..."

Britney Spears: Wow. What a mess. Remember the dingy behavior, the head shave debacle and all the rest? Yeah ... that was bad. A real mess.  But, thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™, Brit Brit got right as rain in a relatively short amount of time. She was able to stand up and fly right. Hey ... civilized world? You're welcome.

 "Because of Unbelievinar™ I'm 'PG-13' and loving it ..."

Pee-Wee Herman: McWowZah. How 'bout Paul Reuben's "X marks the spot" fiasco? You know the one I'm talking about, the one with with the "monkey business" ... or should I be a little clearer on the matter of "the monkey" ... ??? (No ... I don't believe I need to be. You catch my meaning loud and clear.) Welp, he's back on the Freedom Train thanks to, yep, the nifty and completely safe and sane Unbelievinar™. Tequila!

"My life is no longer a 'spaghetti incident' thanks to the Unbelievinar™ 

and those rockin' Unbelievables!"

Axl Rose:  Zoinks! Talk about your basket case. Despite our best efforts, Axl hasn't recovered completely. No amount of concentrated Unbelievinar™ could work its magic to fully cure the volatile Mr. Rose. But we continue our efforts with him. Currently Axl participates in a special monthly Unbelievinar™ series where he's a regular participant (along with several other unmentionable and high-profile clients). And we're happy to report he's making wonderful progress. But there's still a lot of work to do.

 "Those Unbelievinars™ single-handedly turned my career iron. I mean ... golden!

Thanks, Unbelievables!"

Robert Downey Jr.: One of our most successful cases and arguably the biggest feather in our crown is RDJ his own bad self. This was a downward spiral no one wanted to take on. But The Unbelievables, stylish gents that we are, were ready to get down and get back up again in order to pull Bob out of his hole. The results (The Avengers, the Iron Man series, The Soloist, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, etc.) speak for themselves. You're welcome. You can thank us in other ways. ("Hello, Ladies!")

What's that you say? "Guys ... really.  Those may be some pretty impressive results due to your patented Unbelievinar™ and that's all well and fine, but ... do you have any cultural, possibly historical examples we can marvel at?"

You betcher bippy, Bubba.  While there are some we simply cannot mention, one will definitely make you sit up straighter in your chair. 

Ready? Here goes:

Yep. Believe it. Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp himself. The Unbelievables - along with our trademarked Unbelievinar™ - are responsible for the shocking turnabout of Mr. Chaplin's reputation. His spurnment about the war effort during World War I where his loyalty to England was questioned. The damaging controversy regarding fascist propaganda in making light of Hitler in the '40s. The debacle where his House-Un-Activity Council subpoena was involved and his political and moral views were brought to light. And there's more. But ... international community?  As with our final words on Britney Spears above, you're welcome once more.

Did anyone know The Unbelievables were behind these stunning, glowing recoveries? No. Why? Because we're selfless and giving. It's our way. We don't need the praise or the back slaps or the handshakes ... not where these folks are concerned. We're content in our stylish gentlemanships. 

But now the truth is out. You now know The Unbelievables have been instrumental in some of the most celebrated comebacks in the public eye. 

The proof is in the pudding ... courtesy of Unbelievinar™.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P. S. Giving as we are, open invitations are still outstanding to the likes of former American Idol host Brian Dunkelman, current Splash co-host Joey Lawrence, money-lending hawker Montel Williams, mega-mogul Donald Trump (goes without saying) and still-in-need-of-a-big-'ole-makeover Margaret Thatcher*.

P.P.S  Ozzy Osbourne?  Give us a jingle, mate.

P.P.P.S.  Oprah Winfrey?  Don't give us a jingle.  An Unbelievinar™ can only go so far ... you know?

Breaking News! Britney will be releasing "Ohh La, La" for Columbia Pictures for The Smurfs 2, the sequel to 2011's The Smurfs starring Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently, The Unbelievables still have some work to do on Brit Brit.

* What? We missed out on Mags? McWhoops! Silly us! We can't catch'em all, you know! We're stylish and unbelievable ... but if our invitations aren't acted upon when we extend our hand of generosity, there's only so much we can do. You have to want the change ... we can't force it on you.