Friday, July 29, 2016

Ladies? Maybe. Mysterious? Definitely!

The voice had a familiar-yet-ethereally alien quality to it. That's because it wasn't one voice, it was two! Blended in such perfect pitch and harmony as to seem like the vocal intonations of a single individual. But no. It was the twin vociferations of none other than...

That's right, Greta and Gerta, two of our deadliest foes had given us a ringy-dingy. But for what possible nefarious purpose? We hit the ol' redial, put the call on video mode and this is what came up:
We batted the receiver around like a hot potato, which eventually landed in Jeff's hands.
"Oh. Hi. My, you two look...matronly", he said.
"Mature!", Michael blurted. "He meant you both look really mature."
I said, "When did you turn into a pair of old broads?" and Jeff and Michael both cuffed me upside the head. "I mean, what do you want?", I said recovering as gracefully as possible.

One of them cleared her throat and said, "Yes, well, um, we are semi-retired from activities that expand beyond what might be considered traditionally 'legal'." "But we are proud of our legacy as the femme fatales who posed the greatest threat to the vaunted Unbelievables", the other one said, creepily completing her sister's sentence.
"And we don't want that legacy tainted in any way..."
" carpetbagging interlopers.
"Specifically, the girls you saw tonight..."
"...the Tita Von Deese Triplets."
L to R: names as yet unknown
"For starters, there are three of them..."
"...while we were able to vex you with only the two of us..."
"...which seems inherently unfair."
"Also, they're ugly."
Michael said, "Not sure we agree with all of what you said..."
Jeff interjected, "Or any of it."
And I finished with, "But what's their plan?"
One or the other or both replied, "Oh, we don't know. We're only aware of their existence and that they have designs on taking the three of you out of the picture, something we were never able to do. Yet. We want them off our turf, namely the turf that is you."
With that, they hung up. So we don't know what manner of mischief these three have planned, but it would appear we have a new threat to be mindful of, a threat that will probably make themselves known in the near future!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Continued Mysteriousness ...

One thing Jeff said Monday: 

"This investigation is ongoing, so we'll clue you in as the week progresses."

When the work at hand pertains to the lady fans (Hello, Ladies!) in reality it ceases to become an "investigation" and, instead, morphs into a pleasurable task. All part of being an Unbelievable, you understand. (Just wanted to clear that up in case there was any confusion.)

Anyway, the matter of the moment ...

"Can I see that card?" Jeff asked Clark as he walked back toward us from the fence line. Clark handed him the proffered post and scanned it with interest. "Dibs on the paisley printed lass!" he exclaimed.

I snatched the piece out of his hand and looked at it. "Oooooooooooh ... pockets!" I noted cooingly. "Clark, the pageboy-haircutted, begloved gal looks right up your alley, don't you think?"

"Guys, guys, guys" Clark huffed. "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourselves? We don't even know who these dames are ... if indeed they ARE women. Some digging needs to be done. But ... yeah ... if there's a date to be worked out of this situation, I'm partial to Pageboy!"

All of us cracked another beer open and retired to the Unbelieva-Base to do some research and see what we could see about who these lovely, mysterious fans might be.

We were in the midst of coming up with ideas about what we could do if the situation turned into an actual date when the phone rang.

"Make no further contact with the mysterious ladies who came by earlier this evening" a voice commanded at us over the speakerphone. A click of disconnection ended the call.

Jeff stated out loud what all of us were thinking: "Well that was dumb. Everyone and his brother knows we have counter-intelligence measures planted on the phone lines ..."

At the flick of a button, we discovered the source of the call which, we admit, raised our eyebrows ... 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Hello, Mystery Ladies

The other night we were just kicking back in the backyard, just shooting the breeze after a successful day's Unbelievable-ness, when we heard the all-too-familiar sound of female chatter and giggling from beyond the perimeter fence.

Of course, we Unbelievables are used to female attention - when you are a trio of handsome, witty, crimefighting playboys, getting mobbed by lady fans (Hello, ladies!!!) desperate for an autograph, a selfie, a lock of your hair, a peck on the cheek, a full-on snog or a piece of your clothing, becomes as workaday as, say, putting on a shirt. 

We sent Clark to the fenceline to investigate the cooing and tittering sounds. Mainly because he happened to be standing up at the time, having just gone to grab himself another King Prawn skewer from the BBQ. (Not that I'm surprised - those suckers, marinated in coconut and lime as they were, were outstanding.) Michael and myself, meanwhile, were stretched out on our sunloungers with an ice cold cerveza in hand, reflecting on the day's events. We'd taken on a security gig at a top fashion shoot for some foxy wenches (sorry, models), a world-class photog and crew at a top-secret location. It was our job to make sure nobody got IN or OUT of the location lest the super-secret new fashions were leaked to the knockoff merchants selling it at rock bottom prices in your local flea market.

It's all zigzags and knee socks this autumn. (Not actually the photo shoot we were at).
Clark begrudgingly ambled towards the fenceline where the ladylike giggles and sighs could still be heard.

"HELLO??" he cried. "CAN WE HELP YOU!?"

I distinctly heard a lady's voice say, "Ooh, it's Clark - the strong one!", and then another say, "Ooh, I just LOVE it when he kicks Henri Petit out of a window!"

What happened next, we're not sure. Firstly, after Michael and I had had a good chuckle at what we were hearing, we looked up to see Clark reaching the fenceline, peering through the slats and then the sound of high-heeled shoes running, car doors opening and closing, a car slamming into gear and wheels spinning, tires squealing and they were gone. So fast was their exit that Clark didn't even see a license plate. He vaguely saw the outline of the vehicle which he said was either a Renault Espace or a Lamborghini Countach, but he couldn't be too sure. 

Either this...

or this. 

I saw him bend down and pick something up, then bring it over to show us. Here's what he had found - a card with this image on one side...

and on the reverse, a handwritten "See you later boys!"

Who are these mystery women (If indeed, they ARE women)? And what do they want?

This investigation is ongoing, so we'll clue you in as the week progresses.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Really ... It's A Super Power

I don't know what kind of 3rd-rate miniature golf establishments some of those "Why don't you really commit to the concept and develop super abilities, wear super costumes, have super secret identities and fight super battles" yahoos are employed by but, by my reckoning, each and every one of The Unbelievables has a real super power. Real ... not made up, internally-fabricated, "if wishes were fishes" super powers. At least I do.

I riff a lot about not wearing pants. But, believe me, it's not just a whim ... a preference ... a way of life. It's a genuine, life-saving, crime-fighting ability you have to be comfortable with in order to implement in public. A genuine, persuasive power.

And I've got it down, folks.

Batman? Nope.

The Avengers? Overbearing.

The X-Men? Who needs'em?

Caught in a precarious situation, sometimes life or death, let me tell you: All you need do is drop your pants then watch criminal element flee, as fast and as far away as possible. No ne'er-do-well would be caught dead in my trouserless presence.

And let me tell you: It takes steely resolve in to stand there in such a manner for all to see.

Yeah. We can fly. Our garb is already spectacular. And we're proud of our identities, no need for secrecy.

But pantslessness? Well ... it ain't my Kryptonite, Bubba.

It's just plain up super.

*drops mike, walks off stage*

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Opposite Of Super

Sure, we're heroes. Not your average, everyday heroes, for sure. We're not firefighters, doctors, nurses, teachers, EMTs or cops. Our heroing is a different kind of heroing. We apprehend the worst kind of bad guys, the ones that are on a different echelon of bad. So we really don't need to be superheroes. Superheroes are the stuff of fiction, and we are most definitely, really really real. 

Besides, we've met a few self-styled superheroes in our many and varied travels, and let me tell you, there are a lot of them that are, how shall we say....LAME. For example...

PastaPuss of Hackensack, NJ. Able to track down Italian food at a distance of 3km.

Intestinal Gal from Tahlequah, OK. Superpower? We're not sure...

The Gurner. She was a beauty school dropout.

Robo-Kid. A few broken old toys and two shuttlecocks taped together does not a superhero make.

The Bag Ladies from Cut And Shoot, TX. Lovely legs but shame about their faces.

Super-antihero (Supervillain?) The Naked Executioner supposedly kept the heads of her victims and swapped them on a mannequin depending on her mood. When we busted her (see what I did there? Bust? Geddit? No? OK.) the heads were discovered to be wax. All she was guilty of was chopping the heads off of Madame Tussaud's figures.

Les Bicycleurs Avec Claude, French nonsensical non-super non-heroes. 

Although Galaxy Girl from Coupon, PA did not possess any superpowers, she is responsible for the invention of deely-boppers.

The Naked Grandparents. Not super, just Michael's grandparents.

A satellite receiver taped to her head, Goonhilly Girl from Goonhilly in the UK was sadly not able to receive any extraterrestrial  signals, and was therefore quite un-super.

Not sure who this is, but they were easy to spot.

Ozzy Osbourne occasionally dressed as a Victorian blind woman and pretended to be some kind of psychic. Who the others are is anyone's guess.

Granny Pretzel. Sorry Granny, but there is no way you can be a super-anything in this get-up.

Mr. Spikey Bikey didn't get anywhere very fast, and sadly all he ended up doing was killing a few hapless woodland creatures. Not super.

You've heard of the Pied Piper of Hamelin? This is the Penguin Kid of Chicken, AK.

In Experiment, GA, there is a local enclave of mattress cleaners known as Super-Kleen Mattress Inc. Among the services they offer is getting bloodstains out of mattresses, and it is for this reason only that we have them on our radar.
However, if I could pick a superhero to be, I'd choose Wolverine, because METAL BLADES STICKING OUT OF YOUR HANDS! HOW COOL IS THAT????
Sorry, what's Photoshop??

Monday, July 18, 2016

The Unbelievables: A step beyond

Here's something people say to us all the time:
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. You guys are heroes. But why aren't you super heroes? Why don't you really commit to the concept and develop super abilities, wear super costumes, have super secret identities and fight super battles. Super heroes are very in right now, or have you not noticed Batman, The Avengers and the X-Men? Something to think about."

Well, first of all, it's odd that different people use this exact same phrasing when they pose this query.
Secondly, why don't you stop over-using the word "super"? Something for you to think about.
Thirdly, we already have it all covered.
We can fly...
Standard issue UnbelievaJetPack
What we wear certainly qualifies as "super"...
Who needs costumes when you have clothes?
And it's a little late for secret identities, don't you think?
But if we were to be "super heroes", I'd be Captain Unbelievable. And my personal style preference would be to opt for a "classic" look with bright, primary colors, boots with cuffs and actual wings on the side of my head, not some murky, oily looking Under Armour ensemble with wings painted on the side of a helmet. No, I'd go for something like this...
Also, I'd be able to turn invisible.
I'm sure my colleagues have their own opinions on this matter, which they will share with you later this week.

Friday, July 15, 2016


There are many things we will turn our hands to, for sure -- especially if they involve looking stylish, kicking butt and lovely ladies (Hello, ladies!). But some things have to be left to the pros.

One of the things that always puzzled me is thinking up names for things. This is a job that is a virtual minefield, it seems to us. Which is why when we get offers from various companies who wish to build a product around us - a breakfast cereal, say - we always leave the name to them. One only has to do a wee internet search to find that there are some products that have made it onto the supermarket shelf with a simply diabolical name - and people have actually bought it! Cruising around our local Wholesaler Jim's  this week, we spotted several really rubbish names.

Stik Tahu?

 All I can think is that, somewhere along the design stage for these products, somebody really dropped the ball and now the world is having a quiet chuckle at their expense. And it's not just product names, either. Opening a new business also requires diligence, lest you name yourself something idiotic.

Or say you have a new magazine...

 Or  coffee, fabric softener and bread...

 Looking for an appropriate gag gift for your coworker, or a romantic prezzie for your boyfriend...

 Or perhaps a nice children's ice cream?

 It's hard to believe these actually made it onto the shelves, and when you consider that I come from a country where we readily eat this without batting an eye...

 it really makes you wonder. 

Nope, you can add product naming to the list of "Things the Unbelievables Won't Do."