Friday, March 29, 2013

Freakin' Clown Art


At some point, I knew either Clark or Jeff was going to bring that plate up on the site. Freakin' thing gives me the willies.

And both of them know how I feel about clowns: 

"Clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right, all those silly faces want to BITE! BITE! BITE!"  

Look: I know I'm supposed to be following up with my two compatriots' posts regarding the subject at hand: Art. But the fact of the matter is there's NO way I'm going to be able to concentrate on the subject when I have a CLOWN permeating my grey matter, violating my thoughts and encompassing everything I'm trying to write!

Which only goes to show crime fighting isn't for the faint of heart. Sometimes you need to set your fears off to the side and deal with the situation at hand. And that's just the story with "(Soulless) Child And Clown" ... one of the most heinous examples of art ever created.

Hokay ... maybe I've taken enough deep breaths to calm myself down a little bit. Hokay ... yeah ... I think I'm good for a while ...

Art. All right. You want to see art? Innocent art that doesn't dredge fearsome thoughts in the middle of the night like those freakish, face-painted, smiling pasty mugged jesters? Here you go:

An innocent, becalming piece with a child being cradled lovingly by a fox. (Or is it a wolf? It doesn't matter.) See? The scene shows a comforted child, even in the embrace of a fearsome carnivore. She's restful and blissful and asleep. She doesn't have those soulless eyes Clark mentioned with the kid and the clown on the plate. *shudder* See how this girl is the picture of contented slumber? If you're going to produce art - especially art with children in it - for Pete's sake do it in such a way it doesn't require therapy after viewing. Like this one for example:

With Easter right around the corner, I thought this one was rather appropriate. And by that I mean ... IT'S NOT! That pony-tailed cutey is damaged for life, I tell you! There's no going back after that kind of traumatizing episode! Poor little girl! Yet ... there's some freakoid out there who things this will make a cute-as-all-get-out picture to hang on their wall, complete with a two-toned double matte, tasteful frame and boasting the image behind glare-free glass. Cripes and cripes! Have people no shame? Didn't whoever subject the tot to the confines (and obviously horrible grabbing back) of the faux Easter rabbit to the tune of the kid practically busting a tear duct?!? Animals!

You know what I've heard? People take those Peeps marshmallow chicks (which are sacrilege to begin with) and put toothpicks in them, face them at each other in a microwave and have "Peeps Wars" with them! Microwaved, they expand and keep on expanding in an ever-widening Peeps marshmallow bubble until one of the toothpicks pierces the skin of the other Peep and it explodes inhumanely! Barbaric! What ... they call THAT art, too?!? And on Easter, even! What's the world coming to?!?

Clowns. With children. As art. *shudder* I for one am against it. As a member of The Unbelievables, I promise we're going to hunt the villains down who perpetrate this sort of "art" and bring them to their knees! We're on a mission to rid the world of clowns as art, whether they have children in them or otherwise.

Because clowns aren't art - they're evil.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Art For Art's Sake

The Unbelievables have met some foul fiends in their time, let me be the first to assure you. From Sam Snow to Little Debbie, The Hostess and the Muffin Man, Lester von Hornrimm and Leo Von Grunwald, we've seen things that would make a grown man paint a rainbow into his homburg via his trachea. One area where travesties appear to be committed on a daily basis is the world of art.
Am I right, Bubbles?

But when it comes to the art world there is one genre that some people find unspeakably cute - we just find it unspeakable. And although this fits the bill, it's not what I am talking about.

I'm talking about the kitschy 1960s big-eyed cutesy kids. Some people, my grandparents included, were suckered into their whimsical charm. Others just run a mile. Let me show you what I am talking about, if you think you can stand it.

The two main culprits are Soulet (above), and below, D. Golding.

These fiends must be stopped. Tracked down like vermin and made to pay for the heinous crimes they have committed on the minds and stomachs of the free world.

If you take the names Soulet and D. Golding, scramble them up and take away one G, you get Duotones Guild, and this we believe to be the name under which they operate. You may hear it whispered in hushed tones at the local flea market or antique shop. The well-dressed gent at the end of the bar may hand another chap a business card with those words emblazoned across it. Keep your eyes open and ears tuned for those words, and let us know. Already we have a location in the Southern United States in mind as to where the centre of their operations may be, and we are watching day and night, for more than one reason...

Well, helllooo...
No, when it comes to art, we know what we like. Here are a selection of some of the tasteful works that adorn the hallowed walls of the Unbelieva-base.

Tasteful, no?

I'll leave it to Michael to put his two cents in on the arts. Ciao!

Monday, March 25, 2013

We may not know art, but we know what we don't like

Good citizens of the internet, we, The Unbelievables, need your help.
Before I tell you why, let me assure you that we are defenders of freedom in ALL areas, including artistic expression. In no way do we support, or want to be associated with anything resembling censorship. With that said, THIS needs to be found and taken out of public circulation...
It's a "collectible" plate and we have reason to believe there's only one of them, that reason being that producing more than one would probably cause any kiln located outside of Hades to melt into a puddle of goo. As you can see, it depicts what looks like a circus clown comforting a tiny child. Further examination reveals this is not the case, as indicated by the child's dull, shark-like gaze; this is what someone's eyes look like when their soul has been sucked out of the back of their skull.
This thing is simply too dangerous to exist in the public domain. There is a report out of Lincoln, Nebraska, that a previous owner ate creamed corn off of it, which summoned a demon named Andrealphus who promptly turned the man into a crow. A more recent sighting placed it at a fraternity potluck dinner at Harvard University. It was filled with cookies and there was a note on it reading, "Eat all the cookies, guys. There's a surprise waiting for you when they're all gone!". Campus police arrived and found the plate, some scattered cookie crumbs and all the fraternity members lying on the floor in the fetal position, mumbling incoherently.
Its current whereabouts are unknown. That's why we need your help. If you see this thing, let us know where and how we can obtain it. We're not saying the government has a warehouse where things like the Ark of the Covenant are stored for the sake of public saftey, but if they did, that's where this thing should end up, sooner than later.
Seriously, if you know where this thing is and how we can get it, please let us know!
Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Of course, this is not the first time we've been involved in the twisted dealings of the art world. I'm sure my colleagues would love to tell you about some of them.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Have No Fear! Jeff (and The Unbelievables) Are Here!

So you've heard all about the antics of that mischievous scamp known to the world as Little Golden Boy. Michael and Clark have given you the deets as regards this little tinker's origins and doings. Oh, he has led the Unbelievables a merry dance indeed, let me tell you.

But what you may not know is that he comes from a long line of Golden people, and after he went bad he recruited his family members across the globe to join in his monkeyshine capers. Here are just a few.

First there was his Dad, who now lives in AT&T Headquarters in Texas, the perfect place to send worldwide messages.

Dozens of cousins in Thailand, keeping an eye on things in Southeast Asia.

Including his Great-Uncle Buddha.

His sister-in-law, Bunny...

Uncle Mario, from Italy.

He's even into the food condiment market.

Several very wet French aunts....

Cousin Mike.

Gay uncle Oscar and his, er, 'friends'.

Auntie Gladys, who lives in Vegas. We've come across her before.

The Greek side of the family.

Not sure who this is, but he looks a bit shifty.
As you can see, we have our hands full. It is only through constant vigilance and our burgeoning network of high-powered moles and informants that we are able to suppress Little Golden Boy's shenanigans before they get too much out of hand. You are welcome, world. You are welcome.

UnbelievAlert: Where is Jeff???

Not to alarm anyone, but our colleague Jeff is missing! He was supposed to contribute today's entry into the saga of The Little Golden Boy but he didn't and we don't know where he is. He could be tied to a chair in a warehouse filled with explosives, he might be dead, or he could be (gasp!) somewhere in England.
The point is he's gone and we have to find him. Obviously, it's TOP PRIORITY #1 for Michael and I, but we'd like you guys to keep your eyes peeled too.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Little Golden Boy: Chapter 2

For the most part, I've always felt a soft spot for the Little Golden Boy. I find some of his antics downright adorable. As Michael mentioned, he's really more of a prankster than a criminal, and there's something almost admirable about someone who goes to the trouble of organizing an international mob of henchmen for the sole purpose of stealing single socks from folks' laundry. Still, a criminal is a criminal and that puts us on opposite sides of the ongoing struggle between good and evil. Mostly, I see him as a tragic, conflicted figure. He honestly tries to do good but circumstances seem to constatntly conspire against him.

In spite of being born with certain afflictions (being little and golden), he refused to be limited in what he could do and through perseverance and hard work, developed into quite an athlete. He became the highest-paid trophy model in history and enjoyed a life of well-heeled luxury. However, evil trophy manufacturing executives exploited a clause in his contract and forced him to take assignments with which he wasn't comfortable, such as working in drag.

It took years of legal wrangling to get out of his contract, but eventually he was free. Of course, the downside of this hard-won freedom was finding himself without income. He refused to let this hold him back however, and made a hugely successful foray into the publishing industry.

It seemed that things were finally going the Little Golden Boy's way and that his problems were behind him. Then, allegations of racial insensitivity reared their ugly head.
The scandal was too much and the Little Golden Boy was forced to sell his company and resign in disgrace. This seemed to cause him to "snap" as he's found himself in near constant trouble ever since.

Poor little, golden bastard. He's like the Harvey "Two Face" Dent of The Unbelievables universe.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Little Golden Boy: Friend? Or Foe?

One of The Unbelievables most elusive and trickiest villains was a character who went by the name of Little Golden Boy.

Yes ... he often appeared as a small child of golden hue, almost always innocent-looking and kind to a fault. But he had his treacherous and cunning sides, too.

Ever see the film Momento ... ??? Many was the time our capers involving Little Golden Boy would unravel in much the same way - backward and elusively. The clues to solving the cases were usually at our fingertips at the very beginning of an investigation; we weren't aware of such until knee-deep into surveillance and reconnaissance and after lots of finger pointing.

Little Golden Boy was one of those ne'er-do-wells who (like Leo Von Grunwald) was more annoying than dastardly. He was a mischief maker first and foremost. He once managed to delay countrywide shipments of Filet-O-Fish patties to McDonald's restaurants, causing an outcry from coast to coast to those practicing Lent. He successfully blocked one of Oprah's biggest television broadcasts, causing a panic in the streets of Chicago as a result. (See what I mean? Not exactly the devious doings of a crime-hungry bad guy.) 

Strangely, he's also passed along clues on other cases which have been instrumental in bringing some of our enemies to justice. Go figure. 

So is he friend ... or foe? All depends on the time of day with this little fellow.

The guys will fill you in on the weird goings on with Little Golden Boy. Just know going in this kid is a strange one.

(But you have to seriously ask yourself: Really ... what's the big deal nixing an Oprah show?)

"If I were a supervillain I think my crime spree would involve either stealing lots of donuts or just being really really bossy."
- Jerry Thomas            

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Happy St. Patrick's Day From The Unbelievables!

 A reminder from The Unbelievables
During this festive weekend, it's perfectly okay to ingest any and all green foods or beverages. 
We're not saying these things won't make you sick, just that you should eat/drink them. 
You know, in the spirit of the thing.
McPost Script (See what we did there?) Being the jolly (and stylish) gents we are, there are times when camaraderie and good will toward men is simply "the right thing to do" ... you know? And, in the spirit of such, we're even willing to wish some of our past and present villains and ne'er-do-wells a Happy St. Patrick's Day ...
... even one whose name naturally tends toward "the green" (despite the fact he is annoying as can be), one Leo Von Grunwald ... better known as "Lee Greenwood."
Happy St. Patrick's Day to even you, Leo ...

Friday, March 15, 2013

Protecting your privacy; Not just a good idea, it's a suggestion

Hi folks. Clark here with the last installment of tips and tricks to protect your privacy.

#10  Tint your windows - Now obviously you'll want to comply with whatever legal limitations are in effect in your area but tinted windows - the tint-ier, the better - are a must. They accomplish two things: 1) They keep people from seeing what you're doing in your car and  2) They make people wonder what you're doing in your car (and the odds are that they're imagining something much sexier than what is actually taking place ie: booger picking).

#11 Change your passwords - You know how web sites offer to 'remember' your password for you so you don't have to think about it the next time you visit? You don't want that. What happens when those web sites get struck by lightning, become sentient and start raising havoc? Probably the first thing they'll do is say, "Hey, I've got Joe Blow's eBay password; let's go bid on Pez dispensers!" Besides, most sites 'forget' passwords after a while anyway. Might as well change up every so often rather than hoping you remember what it is when iTunes doesn't.

"Hey, uh, it looks like your bathing suit top came undone
 somehow there. Just thought you'd like to know."
#12 Good fences make good neighbors - As true today as it was in 1914 when John McCain coined the phrase.

Don't use "Clark" as you alias; it's been done and it isn't funny.
#13 Come up with an alias - Ever wonder why when you call the hotel where you're sure an international superstar like Jim Nabors is staying, the front desk claims he isn't there? Because he's there to relax and wants to keep people out of his private business; he's not going to check in under his real name so jamokes like you can call him up and ruin his stay. He has an alias, just like all the celebrities do. And you should too! Let your stalkers chase "you" around the country like a phantom, while "Mrs. Ruby Rippleknickers" is lounging poolside, enjoying rum drinks.

#14 Master the art of disguise - Sometimes it's not enough to simply come up with a new identity, sometimes it's necessary to actually alter your appearance. Are you known for being clean-shaven? Grow a mustache. Already got a mustache? Get rid of it (especially if you're a woman). Gain or lose significant amounts of weight. Change your hair color. Cross-dress. If you engage in these activities regularly, people will start to leave you alone even if they know who you are.

#15 Don't **** where you eat - Undoubtedly, at least some of you have an idea what the "****" stands for, and maybe you do. If so, you already know this is a common principle used to discourage someone from having a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That's solid advice; there's no quicker way to have all your dirty little secrets become common knowledge around the office than to date someone you work with. However, the reason I used the "****" instead of the crude epithet you were expecting is because the "****" can stand for lots of words that could be put there. Not only should you not **** where you eat, but you also shouldn't **** where you eat, nor should you **** where you eat and it should go without saying that you would never, ever want to **** where you eat. Not only are you putting your privacy at risk, that's also highly unsanitary (although, under certain circumstances, the concept is kinda hot). Keep those activities separated. Simply put: Eat in one place, **** elsewhere.
Well, there you have it. Some top tips from The Unbelievables on protecting your privacy. Learn them, memorize them, live by them!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Unbelieva-Tips #'s 4 - 9

Following Jeff's Unbelieva-Tips lead from Monday, why don't we just keep keepin' on?

Unbelieva-Tip #4: 
"Always keep'em guessing"

That's right ... and this not only works on multiple facets, on different levels and is unique when applied to different individuals, but if you play the confusion game correctly they'll never know what you're truly up to ... even when they already know. (Plus, it compliments Unbelieva-Tip #2 Jeff mentioned last post.)
"I know what you're up to, you know."
"Well ... I'm pretty certain I know what you're up to."

"Look, you can't fool me - I've seen you do this before."

"That is what you're going to do ... isn't it? "

"Okay ... give me a hint. Now. Please."


See what I mean?

Unbelieva-Tip #5: 
"It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool
rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt"

I learned this from my father who mistakenly took it as a quotation from Abraham Lincoln. Rather, it has roots courtesy of The Bible, Proverbs 17:28: "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent and discerning if they hold their tongues."

It goes hand in hand with "always keep'em guessing" above.

Unbelieva-Tip #6: 
"You can't snow the snowman"

Think about it: You start a snowball fight with a snowman. Now ... who do you think is going to win? Enough said.

Unbelieva-Tip #7: 
"'Always' and 'Never' are absolutes.
Always remember never to use them."

No matter how you use these words, you're never going to get them right. You're always going to screw up when you commit them to print or use them as part of your regular vernacular. 

Get it? Got it? Good ...

Unbelieva-Tip #8: 
"Don't go changing to try and please me.
I love you just the way you are."

Yep ... you got it: Billy Joel. Dude was pretty wise when he wrote that and it still holds true to this very day.

If there's one thing The Unbelievables love about our foes, it's the fact they're pretty predictable. Honestly ... we love that. They do the same damned things over and over and over and over again, mixing it up only slightly to throw a wrench in the machine (they think) every once in a while. But ... they're creatures of habit. Their old ways surface and bubble to the top of the saucepan revealing who they really are. Silly villains ...

Unbelieva-Tip #9: 
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

This doesn't apply only to campfire songs you sing while sitting around roasting marshmallows, you know. It's perfect for any occasion.

Stop right in the middle of what your doing and sing it out loud ... followed, of course, by a raucous << clap, clap >> afterward. You immediately feel better. 

Because, really: Don't we all want to feel better about everything?

Next up: Clark's super Unbelieva-Tips