Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

• DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
• DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
• DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:

Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...

• DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
• DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
• And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

  

  Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

Little things really do make big differences

Me and my Beard

Michael's right. Being an Unbelievable is an around-the-clock responsibility. It's not every day that someone tries to blow up the United Nations, but rarely does a day pass when someone doesn't need assistance.That means sometimes we have to step in on matters that might not seem as important, but on the grand universal scale, they really are.
A while back, I was dating a lovely young woman named Millicent Beard. She was a delightful debutante from Delaware. We'd often vacation with her family at their summer resort home on Pen Island. Pen Island was a wonderful place. I always felt at home when I was at Pen Island. To this day, I feel like it's almost as if a guy like me belongs at Pen Island. I would tease Millicent about it. "Thank goodness for my dear, sweet Beard; if not for you, I'd never be able to really enjoy Pen Island to the fullest." She'd tease back, "you know, I love it just as much as you do!" and I'd say, "I don't think that's possible!" Oh, how we'd laugh and laugh. Pity that it didn't work out between Millicent and I, but if I'm being truly honest, I miss Pen Island much more than I miss her. Oh well.
One morning on one of our frequent secret getaway weekends at Pen Island, I was sitting on the veranda, just enjoying the magnificence Pen Island offers when you first wake up. Millicent came running over from the barn, yelling, "Clark! Clark! Come quick! Hurry up already! Come!" I asked what the problem was and she said, "you have to help my Uncle Jack off a horse!" Well, of all the things I had planned for the day, helping her Uncle Jack off a horse was not among them! But the poor fella was stuck, through no fault of his own. These things happen from time to time. What could I do? When the love of your life (at the time, kind of) asks you to help her Uncle Jack off a horse, you help her Uncle Jack off a horse. It wasn't the first time I did something I never thought I'd do at Pen Island and it certainly wouldn't be the last... which is ultimately why Millicent and I broke up. But that's another story.

Pen Island: DAMN, how I miss this place!!

Owl be darned

The three most powerful sources of motivation when it comes to committing outlandish spectacles of criminal activity are sex, money and revenge. When the perpetrator has plenty of the first two, all that's left is vengeance. That's why nobody should be surprised that the twisted mastermind behind these horrible "bird people" is this guy...

What? Harmless romance novel cover boy and vegetable-oil-fortified-with-synthetic-carotene pitchman Fabio?!? Yes, Fabio.
Before you gasp in shock (Too late? Sorry) consider the following classic villain traits that have been in your face this whole time:

• Long hair
• Indistinctly generic European accent
• Owns an island (presumably)

Kind of obvious, when you look at it. But against whom was Fabio seeking revenge? All of birdkind, basically. Let me draw your memory back to a lovely spring day at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia, back in 1999...



"Laugh now, wench. Vengeance shall be mine!"

From that day forward, Fabio... changed. Many a beautiful young lass was lured by false pretense to enter his secret laboratory (or "Labio"; his description, not ours) only to emerge looking like this...

We couldn't let this stand, so we donned extremely clever disguises...

Check out our sweet abs!


... and without giving away any secrets, we went in and shut the operation down (hint: we beat his ass), which made Owl Girl very happy.
Another case successfully closed by... The Unbelievables! CAW!

The Unbelievables love the classics

We, The Unbelievables, are often associated with the term "retro". I prefer the term "classic". "Retro" conjures images of  things rooted firmly in the past, whereas "classic" means something that never goes out of style, such as fashion. Still, the perception persists. For that reason, people are often surprised when we mention a fondness for the music of current artists. Well, why wouldn't we, as long as those artists are rooted in the classic aesthetic we find so attractive?
One such artist is sultry singer/songwriter Kendra Morris. She's got a classic soul-influenced sound that I find captivating.

I had heard about Kendra from various associates and went to see her perform at a lounge on the lower east side of some city or another while on a brief Unbelievacation. I ordered a Tanqueray with a Cold Duck chaser (classic!). Kendra was on stage with her band and she was every bit as good as advertised. I was impressed, but I played it cool. She saw me, recognizing me from who knows where, and cut her set short. She came off the stage and approached me at the bar. "Clark, I really like those pants that you're wearing today... you could hide an army of tiny men under the bells! Do you sew? Could you make me a pair??". Nice. Not only a classic voice but an eye as well. I was even more impressed. And everybody knows I never refuse a request to make a woman a pair of pants.



I consider it a code to live by

 After a little more small talk, she let me know about her real problem. "My tortoise Melvin has informed me that he would like to join your league of high fashion male model crime fighters. Although he doesnt have thumbs, he has somehow mastered Instagram selfie photography and duck face. Would you be interested in this? He is pissed at me for not writing a song about his shell and says he doesn't want to live with me any longer." As it turns out, human-animal domestic counselling is something of a hobby of mine, along with songwriting, so I was able to resolve the situation with this song I wrote...

"A tortoise can be anything he wants.

A firefighter or an astronaut.

An Unbelievable or a Hong Kong fighter.

Or even a roommate for a singer/songwriter.

Oh whoa whoa whoa Melvin

You've got a really nice shell (vin)

On a scale of one to ten, it's a twelve (vin)

Keep on being true to your self (vin)

(spoken) Oh Melvin,

Believe me, I know living with Kendra isn't always easy.

But don't be too hard on her. She's only human after all.

Besides, you're going to live to be three or four hundred years old

And that's a mighty long time to stay pissed at someone.

Oh whoa whoa whoa Melvin

You've got a really nice shell (vin)

I wish it was a scratch and smell (vin)

You got me under your spell (vin)"

Of course, it worked like a charm and Kendra and Melvin are still together today. This has allowed Kendra to concentrate fully on her creative pursuits. You can buy her latest album "Banshee" at her official site, as well as on iTunes and Amazon. To date, she has not recorded a studio version of "Melvin". But if you attend one of her live gigs, request it and see what happens!

Later this week, Jeff and Michael will share their classic favorite artists with you!



(The Unbelievables would like to thank Ms. Morris for writing her own dialogue for this chapter!)