Friday, May 10, 2013

Cookies And Straws

You've seen a few examples of the devious cheaters who have attempted to pull fast ones without giving us our due: NBC's Grimm (who's still attempting!) and the Magnum P.I.

I'm here to lay out a couple interesting items in the same vein, but with little twists attached.

The first is an organization you know well: The Girl Scouts. 

Do you know the vaunted mission statement of The Girl Scouts? 

"Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character
who make the world a better place."

Don't be fooled ...

Seems upstanding enough ... doesn't it?

But ... did you know they also steal cookie recipes?  Of course you didn't.

That's right folks: 3.2 million Girl Scouts in more than 92 countries worldwide with nefarious intentions and clandestine methodologies ... some of which aren't so "upstanding."

What to do? Quite frankly, there's nothing anyone can do ... not even The Unbelievables. The paper trail we've personally run down is so vast and convoluted it appears impossible to overcome let alone get to the end of. 

They certainly look innocent ... don't they?

We happen to know at one point in their history they brazenly kyped the recipe for Do-Si-Dos in order to profit from it and make this cookie the popular item its become simply for the Scouts' own benefit!

The Scouts? How 'bout The Scoundrels! 

But again: What to do? Are you going to point fingers, embroiling yourself in a war you can't possibly win? A war that brings joy every cookie season to millions upon millions of Average Joes who want nothing more than the taste treat that is a Girl Scout (*ahem*) Do-Si-Do? Do you put the kybosh on all those funds rushing into The Scouts' coffers, benefiting not only their organization but other worthy causes they contribute to?

Exactly. No, you don't. To do so would make anyone look like the bad guy in all this. So ... we really don't have a choice. 

No one is actively crying out for the heads of The Girl Scouts (thank goodness!). But then ... no one really knows what we do about them. So ... it seems best to simply let well enough alone. Perhaps one day the truth will out. But for now? We'll just let sleeping dogs lie.

Another item is something near and dear to my heart because I was the one who originally came up with it, developed it, promoted it, marketed it ... and then had practically ripped out from under me without warning and unceremoniously.

Have you ever heard of ...

... The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw?

I already know the answer: No. Of course you haven't. That's because, long ago, I put together one of the most amazing and revolutionary products ever to simultaneously aid in youthful zest and while contributing to teen hormone suppression the world has ever seen. (Completely non-medicated, mind you.)

The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw ... yes sir. 

It's a straw, similar to most you've seen out there when you frequent your favorite local fast food establishment or when you meander down the aisle of a grocer's and eye-spy straws tucked in with the cupcake liners and maraschino cherries. But my straw - The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw - is quite different and unique.
Patented bendy action

My straw contains that little bendy, accordian-like elbow at one end. It's original, innovative design isn't just to aid in sipping your favorite beverage ... oh, no, no, no ...

That bendy elbow will commandeer hours of fun and frolickry, not to mention a safe and sane evening of enjoyment for those hyped up and hormone-enraged teens out there in Anytown, USA. Because of that little bendy elbow for example, one is able to blow in his/her own ear and give him/herself a hicky without hitting on a member of the opposite sex. Yes, with The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw parents can rest easy and head out for the evening confident their little Tom or Tina is safe and secure at home, yet still able to entertain themselves and get their jollies ... without "getting in trouble" so to speak. 

And those straws? Well ... they're hermetically sealed in their own individual wrappers, completely sanitary. 

So ... rest confident, parents of teens, knowing I've provided you a service like no other.

Sealed for everyone's protection

So, what's the rub? Well ... quite some time ago in the 1970s a big industrial conglomerate caught wind of my unique straw and tried ripping off my idea. Little did they know I had (shall we say) "an ally" on my side to assist in warding off their "advances." (For confidentiality, I'm not at liberty to mention who or what said "ally" by name, but they may have been mentioned in previous posting(s).)

And that's a good thing. Because the bottom line is: The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw is still out there, be it for beverage drinking or hickey embellishment and (usually) free of charge to you. Plus you'll note every time you happen to happen on one of my straws there isn't any sort of name, company logo or trademark on the wrapper. It's best it stays that way, anonymous and unencumbered, generic and ready for public use. The bad guys have tried otherwise in order to hock it for profit, but my sources have nipped their money-grubbing ways in the bud each and every time.

See? Not all things need end in hurtful feelings and un-neighborly shoulder-shoving. There's still good out there in the big, bad world ...

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