Beer and Women's Clothes

Having uncovered the identities of the jewel thieves (you know, the ones that tried to pin it on us, claiming our disguises weren't all that good, etc., you know, follow the plot please) as the Turklington Gang, we decided to delve into their past crimes and misdemeanors to see if we could second-guess what their next move might be. 

We noticed a very clever and fiendish pattern in their criminal background. Clearly, the girls (if one can call them such) have noticed a trend among young men, which is the habit of dressing up as ugly unattractive women when going out on the lash. Usually, this is done for a celebratory reason (passed driving test, moving house, getting married, had a baby, leaving for college/army, just got out of the clink, etc. or sometimes even for no real reason at all, it just seemed like a good idea at the time) and, as most ideas of this kind seem to be, fueled by plenty of alcohol. In fact, here's a graph to prove my point.

It is a not uncommon sight in most cities on a Friday or a Saturday night to see groups of young men, pissed as newts, dressed like an explosion in Grandma's wardrobe, chanting football slogans or singing bawdy barrack-room ballads and intimidating passers-by.  

Wey-hey!

Awwight darlin'?

So the Turklington gang have clearly hit upon the idea of posing as a group of lathered-up men-dressed-as-women in order to deflect attention away from themselves, since nobody really wants to be associated with these fellas. The Turklingtons are therefore free to go where they please and rob whatever they see fit. 

And try to pin the blame on innocent people like us, too.

So now that we have their M.O. sussed out, all we have to do is figure out which nite spot they're going to start from. 

On Friday we'll have more to tell, that is for darn sure.

Intelligence Is Smart

"I'm sure the guys will have more stories of unusual methods of capture later in the week" Jeff mentioned.

And we do.

Of course, there are the elaborate methods and schemes and day's-long planning sessions we belabor to add just the right touch to capture and incarcerate some of the bad guys we tussle with.

But there are also times when some of the simplest procedures are employed. And they work just as effectively.

And that's when we turn to this:

Yes ... I'm talking about the encyclopedia of time-tested practices, The Acme Catalog.

Really, it's one of the true joys of being an Unbelievable. 

Clark, Jeff and I pride ourselves on coming up with innovative ways to capture villains. (Unbelieva-Fu® anyone?)

But, sometimes, I rather enjoy the tried and true systems one finds in the book (which have been in place for decades, mind you.) After all, it's kind of hard to improve on perfection.

If you've never seen The Acme Catalog, let me give you a little primer on some of the things to be found therein ...

Basic overall strategies anyone can use ...

Handy, easy-to-read (and printable!) schematics of all their inventory ...

Color illustrations and product photos ...

... and actual video screen grabs showing many of Acme's products to help aid you in choosing just the right item to foil any hardened ne'er-do-well.

Truly, it doesn't get much easier than that.

Still, there are doubters:

"But Michael ... doesn't it verge on the side of cheating to employ Acme's plans and products to capture your foes? Aren't you afraid of someone pointing out you're taking the easy way out using some of this stuff?"

Heck no! Just the contrary! Why waste your time reinventing the wheel when it's already at your disposal? That's why Acme puts out their catalog in the first place.

Quality products, easy accessibility, fast shipping ... and you're contributing to the economy, too! Plus, don't forget a money back guarantee if not delighted. Sound like a "win-win" to you? You bet! You know why? Because it is!

(Besides ... chicks dig it when guys use their natural smarts. "Cerebral" is sexy you know.)

Acme: Just part of what makes The Unbelievables ... well ... unbelievable.*

*No endorsements were negotiated or coerced from The Unbelievables on behalf of Acme or its products for profit or personal gain. Female notice and appreciation (and any subsequent benefits thereof) which may be derived from Acme product use is in no way implied or guaranteed. Your results may vary.
 

A Simple Request

Imagine, if you will, a world without toilet paper.

For men, not that big a deal.

Unless you're one of those prissy, uptight, high-maintenance, high-strung, "anal," (See what I did there?), metro-sexual sort of men ... the kind who put the "foo" in "foo-foo." (For the record, I am not one of those kinds of men. I'm pretty down to earth.)

Men, in the above given situation, will switch into "necessity is the mother of invention" mode. A random washcloth* ... that magazine sitting on the back of the commode ... the emptied toilet paper roll itself ... for men, all those examples could be utilized to clean the back of your front in that time of need.

Now ... if you're a woman, that's entirely different story. Women need toilet paper. Women live for the stuff. And that's okay. (Hokay ... they don't "live" for the stuff, but you know what I mean.)

But don't go getting your chaps in a hide just yet. As far as I know, there's not going to be any sort of shortage in the toilet paper industry. (Again, as far as I know.)

But let me tell you something: There is a contingent of ne'er-do-wells out there who would love to "stir the shit" (if you will) and vanquish toilet paper from the face of the earth ... just to cause panic and general mayhem and monkey business. (Though, let's be honest: If toilet paper really was gone, daddy, gone I'm certain it would be an issue with far greater and long-reaching consequences than simple monkey business.)

It's not like the internet going down, which would require one to get off the couch, stop the spreading of one's ass and actually perform some routine duty that's been put off most of the week ... like wash those dishes that have turned into a kitchen sink science lab experiment complete with growing mold.

Or running out of milk. Or coffee creamer. Or Coca Cola. Or not being able to don that favorite shirt because it's in the bottom of the laundry basket and needs to be washed.

"Durr ... uhm ... yup ... I'm almost out of nuts.

Now whuddoo I do ... ???"

Why do I bring up some of these things?

Because - while there is that contingent of underhanded mischief makers out there - there is a small group of boneheads who contact The Unbelievables for the dopiest reasons ever, thinking we'll rush to the rescue at the drop of a hat. For events that are, in essence, non-events.

For example: I was the only one at The Unbelieva-Base one afternoon when the following call came in ...

*ring, ring*

"Unbelieva-Base ... this is Michael ..."

"Hey ... Michael? Hi. This is Jed. Something came up I hope you guys might be able to help out with. The other day? I found out left-handed people get injured more often than right-handed people. Matter of fact, I heard something like 2,500 lefties die each year - DIE, mind you - from using right-handed products! Twenty! Five! Hundred! People! A! Year! Help us, Unbelievables ... you're our only hope!"

Of course, I told the guy I had another call coming in.

What was I supposed to say? "Really? Well ... we'll jump on this right away. We'll get in contact with all the left-handed folks out there coast to coast and discourage them from using right-handed products post haste ..."

No. I don't think so. And this is just one example in a bevy of them I've decided to share.

We get this kind of stuff all the time. Jeff and Clark have stories in abundance and they'll be relaying some of the more ludicrous calls and notifications we've received asking for our assistance.

Stay tuned ...

* Of course, said washcloth would be disposed of before the wife/girlfriend/mom/hostess could find out.