Letters ... We Get (Strange) Letters

What to do ... what to do ...

I'm pretty certain I've mentioned this before ... but just in case:

When the mailbag gets a bit stuffed, we draw straws to determine the "pick" order of what's inside.

Which, when you think about it, doesn't make too much sense. Because the letters we receive are usually inside envelopes. And we don't know what's inside them. On occasion however people send us postcards so we can spy immediately what a fan (or, sometimes, a foe) might be asking of us.

"Still, Michael ... you just get first pick if you draw the long straw. You still don't know what a letter says ..." you might say.

Well, ho-HO! That's where you would be wrong. We pour out all the letters onto the grand Unbelieva-Coffee Table in our sitting room and first scan for those nifty postcards. << BOOM >> Then we open the letters and read them. THEN we draw straws. Long straw first, short straw last. See how that works?

We enjoy this immensely; it's an evening's entertainment, cheap and easy. We don't have to go out. (Or wear pants.) And oh ... the comments that get passed to and fro between us letter to letter!

Anyway, it was I who drew the short straw, i.e. the last pick. These were the "gems" I was forced to bear ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

I noticed the other morning while I was getting cream for my coffee my water filter has met its expiration date. I know this because I date my water filters so I remember when they're installed. In this case, as you can see, I haven't changed this one in a year. (I replace them at the beginning the month when I change them.)

I've seen a lot of news lately about expiration dates, many people (experts?) noting the dates themselves are only "suggestions" and that you really don't have to swear by them. So here's my question: Do I replace it? Or let it ride out a while?

Yours In Anticipation, Perplexed Patty"

Seriously ... I don't know how The Unbelievables came to be known as authorities on water filters or expiration dates, but I decided to give it a whirl anywho ... despite the fact Jeff and Clark were laughing at the note and at the fact I'd gotten it assigned to me.

So ...

"Patty:

Here's what we'd do: Bake a cake, put a single candle on it, hold it in front of you while you open the fridge and sing a rousing chorus of 'Happy Birthday' to that year-old filter. Then? Promptly change it. Unfiltered (or old filtered) water isn't something you want to fool with in this day and age. (All you have to do is read about Flint, Michigan and their water dilemma.)

Good luck, Michael"

And another ...

"UnbelievaGuys:

I've come to trust your authority on all things, no matter what. The advice I've gotten from you has been topic-varied (changing things up is good!) and useful in the extreme. So what's the final word on toilet paper and how it should be installed in the hanger and whether or not to keep the toilet seat lid up or down?

I'm an "under" dude when it comes to the paper and a "lid open so I don't wee on it in the middle of the night" professor.

Talk to me. Your words are gospel.

James"

Haven't we been through the answers on these items time and again? I know we've posted about toilet paper and its proper orientation in the loo previously. *sigh*

"James:

The genius patent holder of toilet paper makes it clear. See original illustration:

And ... if you have any questions about whether or not to leave the lid open, there's a program out there with Mike (Dirty Jobs) Rowe I can't locate that discusses various preventative measures to keep germs at a minimum. In it, Mike subjects himself to all sorts of stuff: A woman sneezes on him and analysts examine the spewage for disease and the like, he probes into the differences in cleanliness of dog slobber vs. human slobber and, more to the point, the "spray area" of an opened toilet when flushed is scrutinized. Trust me ... you will not only be horrified by the results you'll be scared into doing right thing.

Plus, you know ... stop being lazy.

Don't Write Us Again, Please ... Michael"

Yep. Even our off-the-clock activities can be trying sometimes.

Let's see what Clark has in store for Friday ...

A Simple Request

Imagine, if you will, a world without toilet paper.

For men, not that big a deal.

Unless you're one of those prissy, uptight, high-maintenance, high-strung, "anal," (See what I did there?), metro-sexual sort of men ... the kind who put the "foo" in "foo-foo." (For the record, I am not one of those kinds of men. I'm pretty down to earth.)

Men, in the above given situation, will switch into "necessity is the mother of invention" mode. A random washcloth* ... that magazine sitting on the back of the commode ... the emptied toilet paper roll itself ... for men, all those examples could be utilized to clean the back of your front in that time of need.

Now ... if you're a woman, that's entirely different story. Women need toilet paper. Women live for the stuff. And that's okay. (Hokay ... they don't "live" for the stuff, but you know what I mean.)

But don't go getting your chaps in a hide just yet. As far as I know, there's not going to be any sort of shortage in the toilet paper industry. (Again, as far as I know.)

But let me tell you something: There is a contingent of ne'er-do-wells out there who would love to "stir the shit" (if you will) and vanquish toilet paper from the face of the earth ... just to cause panic and general mayhem and monkey business. (Though, let's be honest: If toilet paper really was gone, daddy, gone I'm certain it would be an issue with far greater and long-reaching consequences than simple monkey business.)

It's not like the internet going down, which would require one to get off the couch, stop the spreading of one's ass and actually perform some routine duty that's been put off most of the week ... like wash those dishes that have turned into a kitchen sink science lab experiment complete with growing mold.

Or running out of milk. Or coffee creamer. Or Coca Cola. Or not being able to don that favorite shirt because it's in the bottom of the laundry basket and needs to be washed.

"Durr ... uhm ... yup ... I'm almost out of nuts.

Now whuddoo I do ... ???"

Why do I bring up some of these things?

Because - while there is that contingent of underhanded mischief makers out there - there is a small group of boneheads who contact The Unbelievables for the dopiest reasons ever, thinking we'll rush to the rescue at the drop of a hat. For events that are, in essence, non-events.

For example: I was the only one at The Unbelieva-Base one afternoon when the following call came in ...

*ring, ring*

"Unbelieva-Base ... this is Michael ..."

"Hey ... Michael? Hi. This is Jed. Something came up I hope you guys might be able to help out with. The other day? I found out left-handed people get injured more often than right-handed people. Matter of fact, I heard something like 2,500 lefties die each year - DIE, mind you - from using right-handed products! Twenty! Five! Hundred! People! A! Year! Help us, Unbelievables ... you're our only hope!"

Of course, I told the guy I had another call coming in.

What was I supposed to say? "Really? Well ... we'll jump on this right away. We'll get in contact with all the left-handed folks out there coast to coast and discourage them from using right-handed products post haste ..."

No. I don't think so. And this is just one example in a bevy of them I've decided to share.

We get this kind of stuff all the time. Jeff and Clark have stories in abundance and they'll be relaying some of the more ludicrous calls and notifications we've received asking for our assistance.

Stay tuned ...

* Of course, said washcloth would be disposed of before the wife/girlfriend/mom/hostess could find out.