Can't Cook? Won't Cook?

You probably noticed on Monday that one of the requests Michael was talking about concerned a lady who did not know what to fix her husband for dinner. Believe me, we get more and more silly requests from these unimaginative, non-creative people than you can shake a stick at (by the way, what kind of phrase is that, anyway? I mean, who are these people that just walk around with sticks in their hands, looking for stuff to shake them at? I'll tell ya who - old people, that's who. They're the ones with the monopoly on sticks and stick-shaking. And they're the ones that make up daft phrases like that, too, I'll bet.) and that is why I have taken it upon myself to publish a cookbook for all those thickies  folks out there that might be incompetent a little lacking in the cuisine department.

Yes folks, for the rock-bottom price of only $29.95, you can own this indispensable guide to not making huge mistakes in the kitchen. You can learn:

• the mantra "If you got rice, you got dinner!"
• how to use burnt toast
• get creative with spaghetti hoops
• the other mantra "Canned mushrooms are your friend!"
• what to do with that 4-year-old jar of gherkins

It's true! For only six monthly payments of $10 inc. P&P, you can get your hands on a copy of this life-saving, meal-rescuing and money-stretching book, handsomely bound in filo pastry, full of tips and tricks to ensure you never go hungry again! Lots of your questions answered! For example:

• does yogurt ever really go off?
• does cheese ever really go bad?
• when does the 5-second-rule apply?
• my dog grabbed my steak and dragged it round the garden. Is it salvageable?
• what about blue cheese? Isn't that mouldy already?

And many more!
And the really great thing about this book is, it's made from Triscuits and Weetabix all smushed up together, so even if you try the methods outlined in this book and fail (which is virtually impossible) you can still make a delicious meal by covering this book in cheese and toasting it!

All profits of this book go to a worthy cause, namely, Marissa's Home For Wayward Showgirls. 

And don't forget with every seven copies you order, you get one free! Christmas - sorted.


You're welcome, world.

(Offer not valid in KY, HI or MT. Allow 6 -8 months for delivery. )

A Simple Request

Imagine, if you will, a world without toilet paper.

For men, not that big a deal.

Unless you're one of those prissy, uptight, high-maintenance, high-strung, "anal," (See what I did there?), metro-sexual sort of men ... the kind who put the "foo" in "foo-foo." (For the record, I am not one of those kinds of men. I'm pretty down to earth.)

Men, in the above given situation, will switch into "necessity is the mother of invention" mode. A random washcloth* ... that magazine sitting on the back of the commode ... the emptied toilet paper roll itself ... for men, all those examples could be utilized to clean the back of your front in that time of need.

Now ... if you're a woman, that's entirely different story. Women need toilet paper. Women live for the stuff. And that's okay. (Hokay ... they don't "live" for the stuff, but you know what I mean.)

But don't go getting your chaps in a hide just yet. As far as I know, there's not going to be any sort of shortage in the toilet paper industry. (Again, as far as I know.)

But let me tell you something: There is a contingent of ne'er-do-wells out there who would love to "stir the shit" (if you will) and vanquish toilet paper from the face of the earth ... just to cause panic and general mayhem and monkey business. (Though, let's be honest: If toilet paper really was gone, daddy, gone I'm certain it would be an issue with far greater and long-reaching consequences than simple monkey business.)

It's not like the internet going down, which would require one to get off the couch, stop the spreading of one's ass and actually perform some routine duty that's been put off most of the week ... like wash those dishes that have turned into a kitchen sink science lab experiment complete with growing mold.

Or running out of milk. Or coffee creamer. Or Coca Cola. Or not being able to don that favorite shirt because it's in the bottom of the laundry basket and needs to be washed.

"Durr ... uhm ... yup ... I'm almost out of nuts.

Now whuddoo I do ... ???"

Why do I bring up some of these things?

Because - while there is that contingent of underhanded mischief makers out there - there is a small group of boneheads who contact The Unbelievables for the dopiest reasons ever, thinking we'll rush to the rescue at the drop of a hat. For events that are, in essence, non-events.

For example: I was the only one at The Unbelieva-Base one afternoon when the following call came in ...

*ring, ring*

"Unbelieva-Base ... this is Michael ..."

"Hey ... Michael? Hi. This is Jed. Something came up I hope you guys might be able to help out with. The other day? I found out left-handed people get injured more often than right-handed people. Matter of fact, I heard something like 2,500 lefties die each year - DIE, mind you - from using right-handed products! Twenty! Five! Hundred! People! A! Year! Help us, Unbelievables ... you're our only hope!"

Of course, I told the guy I had another call coming in.

What was I supposed to say? "Really? Well ... we'll jump on this right away. We'll get in contact with all the left-handed folks out there coast to coast and discourage them from using right-handed products post haste ..."

No. I don't think so. And this is just one example in a bevy of them I've decided to share.

We get this kind of stuff all the time. Jeff and Clark have stories in abundance and they'll be relaying some of the more ludicrous calls and notifications we've received asking for our assistance.

Stay tuned ...

* Of course, said washcloth would be disposed of before the wife/girlfriend/mom/hostess could find out.