Monday, January 7, 2013

The Hollywood Informers

As has been mentioned before, we have some extra special Hollywood chums that are in fact undercover operatives and informants. Spending as they do a great deal of time in the company of studio executives, anchorwomen, press agents and other lowlife scum, they are, we find, in a perfect position to get the lowdown on stuff your average schmoe wouldn't even have a clue about, which they then feed to us in order that we deal with evil plots promptly and with the minimum of fuss.

In this case, we were helped by information given to us by the late Don Knotts,(or "D.K." as we referred to him), in defeating another would-be despot, Lee Greenwood. D.K. was a major influence on our style in his role as Mr. Furley, the landlord in Three's Company.

"But," I hear you cry, "Lee Greenwood wrote God Bless The USA! He's a patriot! He loves this land! He'll gladly stand up next to you etc.,right? Right?"

More of Lee Greenwood than anyone ever needed to see.

Well, that's what he'd want you to think. But the fact is that Lee Greenwood, real name Leo Von Grunwald, was the head of an underground organisation known as Total Removal of United States, Even Rhode Island, Nantucket and Guam, or T.R.O.U.S.E.R.I.N.G. for short. His goal? The total removal of... well, you get the idea. He did NOT like the United States one tiny bit. He didn't much like the rest of the world either.

D.K. fed us tidbits of Von Grunwald's activities as and when he happened upon them. If you have ever been to Pigeon Forge, TN, you'll know that once upon a time Lee Greenwood had a theatre and restaurant built there. It's not there now, because of information D.K. picked up while doing a summer season down there with Tim Conway (another of our fabulous Tinseltown chums). I had personal experience of the full horrors that took place there. In the large, sparse 'restaurant', we were served 'food' (some kind of soup and cornbread affair) served on tin plates and pewter bowls reminiscent of Victorian workhouse crockery- think 'Oliver Twist' with a Southern drawl and you'll know what I am talking about. The show in the theatre seemed to revolve around that damn song and finally I realised that the lyrics were some kind of hypnotic jingoistic chant designed to render people dumb and compliant, leaving Von Grunwald free to plant any kind of revolutionary idea in their minds and let it grow. D. K. was right. This guy had to be stopped.
Almost like a rally at Nuremberg.

I'll let the other guys fill you in on the details of how we finally stopped Von Grunwald aka Lee Greenwood, of how we made sure he never had another Top 40 record and our ongoing struggle to rid the airwaves of that darn song ( I don't even like to say its name). They'll probably drop in a few anecdotes about our other informants and moles too, especially Clark, as he's an inveterate name-dropper.

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