Monday, March 25, 2013

We may not know art, but we know what we don't like

Good citizens of the internet, we, The Unbelievables, need your help.
Before I tell you why, let me assure you that we are defenders of freedom in ALL areas, including artistic expression. In no way do we support, or want to be associated with anything resembling censorship. With that said, THIS needs to be found and taken out of public circulation...
It's a "collectible" plate and we have reason to believe there's only one of them, that reason being that producing more than one would probably cause any kiln located outside of Hades to melt into a puddle of goo. As you can see, it depicts what looks like a circus clown comforting a tiny child. Further examination reveals this is not the case, as indicated by the child's dull, shark-like gaze; this is what someone's eyes look like when their soul has been sucked out of the back of their skull.
This thing is simply too dangerous to exist in the public domain. There is a report out of Lincoln, Nebraska, that a previous owner ate creamed corn off of it, which summoned a demon named Andrealphus who promptly turned the man into a crow. A more recent sighting placed it at a fraternity potluck dinner at Harvard University. It was filled with cookies and there was a note on it reading, "Eat all the cookies, guys. There's a surprise waiting for you when they're all gone!". Campus police arrived and found the plate, some scattered cookie crumbs and all the fraternity members lying on the floor in the fetal position, mumbling incoherently.
Its current whereabouts are unknown. That's why we need your help. If you see this thing, let us know where and how we can obtain it. We're not saying the government has a warehouse where things like the Ark of the Covenant are stored for the sake of public saftey, but if they did, that's where this thing should end up, sooner than later.
Seriously, if you know where this thing is and how we can get it, please let us know!
Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Of course, this is not the first time we've been involved in the twisted dealings of the art world. I'm sure my colleagues would love to tell you about some of them.

1 comment:

  1. That thing is heinous. Let the nightmares commence. Who has the number of a good therapist? I may need one.