Top Easter Tips

What with it being Easter weekend right now, and the theme of the week being Top Tips, I thought I'd offer a few suggestions on how to improve your Easter, if I may make so bold. Here we go:

• Just for fun, run into your local supermarket five minutes before they close on Saturday, grab a member of staff by the arm and say crazily, "Wait, do you guys sell Easter Eggs!?!"
• Tip your hat to Jesus by deactivating your Facebook account on Good Friday and re-activating it on Monday.
• On Easter Monday, bring the season to a jolly close by starting to bitch loudly everywhere you go about there being "Christmas decorations already in the shops" and the fact that "they start earlier and earlier every year, I swear".
• Invite 12 family members over for Easter dinner, and while seated at the table, accuse one of them of betraying you, then go lock yourself in your bedroom for three days. Talk about authenticism!
• Why bother going to those expensive egg hunts with your kids - save money by taking them to Poundland where the eggs are clearly displayed and easy to find.

• Convince your friends and family that you are a time traveller by letting off a firecracker in your closet before emerging dressed as Pontius Pilate.

"Look, mate, I don't care who you are - I just don't like hippies."

Use as many or as few of these as you like in order to have a fun and enjoyable Easter.Ciao!

We Get (Easter) Letters

Yes folks, it's time for another delve into the Unbelieva-mailbag for a quick peruse. The first one is from Terry Towelling from Ireland, WV (little known fact: Ireland, WV is the American home of the sport of Irish Road-Bowling - ed.)who asks:

Dear Unbelievables,

Faith and begorrah, to be sure, I know we have chocolate eggs at Easter, but do they have to be in the flamin' shops so gosh darn early in the year? It seems as soon as Christmas is over they put the eggs in the shops. Why is this and can you fellers do anything to stop it? Oh, bejeesus and begorrah, Darby O'Gill and de Little People, sorr, to be sure. (stop with the Irish stuff - Ed.)

Well, let us answer those questions one at a time.

1. They don't have to be in the shops that early, but the shops would like us to believe that it is necessary, so that they can make more money selling us stuff that's frivolous and unhealthy. I could go into a long diatribe about the fact that we all eat so much unhealthy crap these days because of the post-WW2 end of rationing, but I won't. Fun fact though - one thing that wasn't rationed during WW2 in Britain was fish and chips. 

2. Sadly, Terry, we are not at liberty to stop the perfectly legal, and it is perfectly legal to sell candy at any time of year. Once it becomes restricted, we'll talk. 

Your letter does remind me of a pet peeve of mine, though, and that has to do with the size of chocolate products in general. Back in the day, Easter Eggs were mahoosive.  Remember back in the day when the eggs that are now known as Cadbury's Creme Eggs 

were known as Rowntree Mackintosh's Cream Eggs? 

Remember back when people used to challenge each other to put a whole one in their mouth and eat it? How many trips to the local casualty department could have been avoided if they hadn't tried it?

Not even close.

 But nowadays, now that they cost a helluva lot more, they are no longer a challenge because they're so small.

I believe we should begin a campaign against the shrinking of our choccie bars. Every few months, another couple of grams is shaved off the weight of a candy bar and the price either stays the same or increases. Is it just me? C'mon, world. Join me in this noble quest. 

"Let's Make Our Marathons Great Again!"

Freakin' Clown Art

*shudder*

At some point, I knew either Clark or Jeff was going to bring that plate up on the site. Freakin' thing gives me the willies.

And both of them know how I feel about clowns: 

"Clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right, all those silly faces want to BITE! BITE! BITE!"  

*shudder*
 
Look: I know I'm supposed to be following up with my two compatriots' posts regarding the subject at hand: Art. But the fact of the matter is there's NO way I'm going to be able to concentrate on the subject when I have a CLOWN permeating my grey matter, violating my thoughts and encompassing everything I'm trying to write!

Which only goes to show crime fighting isn't for the faint of heart. Sometimes you need to set your fears off to the side and deal with the situation at hand. And that's just the story with "(Soulless) Child And Clown" ... one of the most heinous examples of art ever created.

Hokay ... maybe I've taken enough deep breaths to calm myself down a little bit. Hokay ... yeah ... I think I'm good for a while ...

Art. All right. You want to see art? Innocent art that doesn't dredge fearsome thoughts in the middle of the night like those freakish, face-painted, smiling pasty mugged jesters? Here you go:

An innocent, becalming piece with a child being cradled lovingly by a fox. (Or is it a wolf? It doesn't matter.) See? The scene shows a comforted child, even in the embrace of a fearsome carnivore. She's restful and blissful and asleep. She doesn't have those soulless eyes Clark mentioned with the kid and the clown on the plate. *shudder* See how this girl is the picture of contented slumber? If you're going to produce art - especially art with children in it - for Pete's sake do it in such a way it doesn't require therapy after viewing. Like this one for example:

With Easter right around the corner, I thought this one was rather appropriate. And by that I mean ... IT'S NOT! That pony-tailed cutey is damaged for life, I tell you! There's no going back after that kind of traumatizing episode! Poor little girl! Yet ... there's some freakoid out there who things this will make a cute-as-all-get-out picture to hang on their wall, complete with a two-toned double matte, tasteful frame and boasting the image behind glare-free glass. Cripes and cripes! Have people no shame? Didn't whoever subject the tot to the confines (and obviously horrible grabbing back) of the faux Easter rabbit to the tune of the kid practically busting a tear duct?!? Animals!

You know what I've heard? People take those Peeps marshmallow chicks (which are sacrilege to begin with) and put toothpicks in them, face them at each other in a microwave and have "Peeps Wars" with them! Microwaved, they expand and keep on expanding in an ever-widening Peeps marshmallow bubble until one of the toothpicks pierces the skin of the other Peep and it explodes inhumanely! Barbaric! What ... they call THAT art, too?!? And on Easter, even! What's the world coming to?!?

Clowns. With children. As art. *shudder* I for one am against it. As a member of The Unbelievables, I promise we're going to hunt the villains down who perpetrate this sort of "art" and bring them to their knees! We're on a mission to rid the world of clowns as art, whether they have children in them or otherwise.

Because clowns aren't art - they're evil.

*shudder*