Mail Bag: When You're Weary

Hi folks, it's time once again to open up the ol' mail sack and answer a few of our many fan letters. This one comes from Constance Noring of Sunbeam, ID:

Hey guys,

I am always so tired, and I keep drinking those energy drink things like Crimson Goat, Scarlet Tortoise and Vermilion Lemur. I think I might be getting addicted! How do you guys cope with tiredness?

Your friend, Constance

Well, Constance, there are all sorts of ways to give yourself a quick energy boost. Here's a few of our Top Tips!

1. Eat your breakfast. People who eat breakfast every morning report less fatigue and stress than people who skip it. Help yourself to an Unbelieva-Breakfast for when you know it's gonna be a long time till dinnertime.

2. Do a downward dog. Or as we like to call it, "Face Down, Ass Up".

3. Belt out your favorite tune.

 Singing gives you a kind of emotional high while it reduces levels of stress hormones in your body. However, if you're at work and you work with lots of folks, don't be alarmed at this reaction:

Top Tip: Save your jazz scat vocals for the drive home.

4. Have a drink of water. Dehydration can leave you feeling drained and fatigued, so grab a drink of water. Even in the park.

5. Go nuts. Eat a handful of almonds or peanuts, which are high in magnesium and folate (folic acid). These nutrients are essential for energy and cell production. Try taking the shells off first for optimum effect.

6. Cinnamon or mint.

 Some people say that just a whiff can reduce fatigue and make them feel more alert. Pop into Dollar Tree and grab these.

7. Exercise. Duh!


8. Sunshine. Research suggests that just a few minutes of walking outside on a warm, clear day may enhance mood, memory, and the ability to absorb new information. 

They say elephants never forget.

9. Have a bite. Your brain needs fuel to function at its best. And you can't go wrong with this simple sandwich.

 So there we have it, Constance. A few easy tips for a quick pep-you-up whenever needed. Like at stakeouts, or all-night Poker-and-Old-Grand-Dad sessions.

The guys will dip into the mail bag again later in the week!

Grigor Gorgrivich: Now It Can Be Told

Grigor, possibly reflecting on his ways while in the big house ...

Looking back, you have to give it up for world-class henchman Grigor Gorgrivich.

Over his "career", constant employer changes meant the dude had to be adaptable, willing and able to conform to the quirks and kinks of a different bad guy boss on the drop. That meant he had to switch gears often, sometimes weekly. That takes some doing.

Grigor and one of his many employers ...

Henchmen, by nature, are the work horses of the ne'er-do-well set. They're subject to demeaning, menial, sometimes back-breaking (literally) chores doled out by their bosses with little to no credit for their efforts.

And yet, through it all, he was the consummate professional.

Typical henchman stuff ...

As my colleagues Clark and Jeff have noted, it's a rough gig. And, given the many run ins we've had over the years with Grigor, how could we not show up at his farewell shindig? It's not as if something like that comes up often, you know.

So it was with honest, sincere wishes we three attended Grigor's event and celebrated his many and varied accomplishments along with his fellow coadjutants. (Note: The sad thing about the affair? While a majority of his fellow associates were present, not one of his past employer could be troubled to show up. What a bunch of uncaring bastards.)

And now that all is said and done, I'm able to divulge a little secret I've harbored over the years from everyone. Something I'm not ashamed to admit but was better left unsaid at the time. I thought it best to keep it on the downlow, even from my fellow Unbelievables.

Grigor Gorgrivich was a good friend of mine. And we shared a covert association outside our "work" as good guy / bad guy.
 

Jeff and Clark restrain Grigor

during one of his many confrontations with The Unbelievables

It was the aftermath of a rather brutal tussle involving The Unbelievables and a rather large contingent of henchmen, Grigor included. (I don't recall who he was working for at the time - his constant employer-switching leave me unaware who was calling the shots at the time.) The scene was a mess: Subordinates, helpers, aides, lackeys and body guards were piled up in a mound post-ass beating, complete with plenty of scrapes and bruises, the air hanging heavy with the sound of moans and groans. "Another fine job, gents," Clark commented. "Let's let the police handle the mop up details," Jeff offered. As they took off, I stayed back and sidled up to Grigor who was lying on the ground, beaten to a pulp, and I talked with him plainly as he lay prone on the ground:

"You know, Grigor, I like you. Enough to offer you this: This henchman thing? It isn't for everybody, as you can well see. But you? You're good at what you do. And I appreciate that, especially when it comes to your loyalty to your bosses, whoever that may be currently. I just wanted you to know that. See you in three to six months on good behavior."

I guess that little chat struck a cord because not a few weeks later I got a clandestine thank you card from the big galoot, which I'll admit was surprising.

That's when our furtive friendship blossomed outside our respective fields.

"Griggy" and I started getting together for little social events, just he and I. A beer at a quiet pub far outside of town, a bowling night here and there, a refreshing sauna where we chewed the fat and shared a laugh over our respective crafts. We secretly did a 4-day Disney World tour, an Atlantic City weekend and, once, a houseboat fishing trip down in Rosarito not too long ago. Good times, good times.

In the beginning, Griggy wasn't very good with his charms ...

... but with my help he came around.

(Hello, Ladies!)

You can see how this cooperative could lend to raised eyebrows among our respective colleagues, thus the reason our outings were kept closeted.  

A rare snapshot of Grigor and Michael on one of their getaways.

(I'm in disguise, on the right.) 

So it was with a special and personal undertaking I attended Grigor's going away party.

And I'll confess: I had to hold back a tear or two during the bash for Griggy. I knew his "retirement" meant the end of our clandestine ventures.

*sniff*
 

So, What Do You Do When Not Henching?

It's true, most henchmen are a slow-witted bunch. But Grigor Gorgrivich was a real character, dedicated to his craft, and a true gent into the bargain. For it was he that formed the League of Under-Appreciated Minions along with Frank from Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Sadly missed (the show, not Frank).

As Clark put it on Monday, long-term employment really isn't a viable career option for thugs. So during those downtimes when a suitable evil scientist or demented crime lord could not be found, Grigor tried other forms of employment. For a time, he went into the wrestling business.

To begin with, he was in peak condition.

However, as time wore on and he started making money, the lure of Outback's Cheesy Fries proved to be too great for our Grigor.

He also made forays into the acting world. Got himself an agent and everything!

"Hey Mort, get me a part in a Harold Pinter play!"

He got several film roles, in a variety of genres. 

Horror flicks...

horror again...

and, uh, campy horror.

Then there was his short-lived stint working in martial arts training...

For a time he was a park trail guide...

and hair model.

His retirement bash presented us with the opportunity to ask him what he would do now he wasn't gonna be bothering us anymore. He shyly admitted that he'd recently begun computer dating. Yes, that's right, the 400-lb meathead Grigor Gorgrivich was looking for love. He asked us for tips, since we have no trouble finding female company. (Hello, ladies!!) 

Michael told him that the first step was to make your dating profile picture be really good. It should be professionally shot, well-lit, and reflect your true personality. On hearing this advice, Grigor whipped out his phone to proudly show us his Tinder profile pic. 

Nailed it!

For he's a jolly good henchman

We attended a farewell gathering last week. Legendary henchman/thug/goon/underling/minion Grigor Gorgrivich has finally retired. Sure, we were always on opposite sides of the law but we know these guys and a lengthy career deserves a certain amount of respect and recognition.

Just look at that form!

Over the years, Grigor worked for all the notable bad guys (long-term employment really isn't a viable career option for thugs) and always conducted himself as a professional. Whether he was taking a beating or inadvertently screwing up his boss's plan by somehow being utterly incapable of following simple instructions, we appreciated him and his unintentional assistance.

The party itself was kind of lame. Henchmen by nature are not inclined to be leaders, so nobody ordered any food or beverages. Plus, all henchmen are male...

Also, it was kind of sad seeing what kind of shape Grigor was in after all these years. Having had every bone in his body broken multiple times (often by The Unbelievables), he doesn't get around like he used to. I remember after many a battle. while we sat in the middle of the street waiting for an ambulance to take him to the hospital and then jail, he'd always talked about wanting to spend his golden years sitting peacefully by a pond, fishing. It was something everyone knew about him. He just couldn't stop talking about it. Naturally, this is what his former colleagues bought him as a parting gift.

Always eager to please, never very bright.

I'm sure Jeff and Michael have their own personal memories of this henchiest of henchmen.

You Guys Go On A Head

You are no doubt aware of our stylishness, our grace, poise and elan. Our ability to look good in whatever situation we find ourselves.

Earlier this week we talked about jewellery and ring pops. I would like to briefly stray from that slightly, if I may, and talk about headgear. 

Some folks we know always have head adornments.

For instance...

Chinese fence Rei Ling likes to wear little plants on her head.

And FlyGirl keeps telling us to give her a buzz. Ho ho ho, very funny.

Ivan Antenna and his third-eye-scope.

We don't often wear stuff on our heads. It tends to be more trouble than it's worth. It gets in the way. It can block your sightline. But there have been times in the past when, incredible as it may seem, we all wore stuff on our heads. Our styles all differed, though. I was a hat person.

And there was a period in history when Michael took to wearing ornate hairbands to keep his (mercifully short-lived) mullet under control.

In fact, there was a time when Michael would regularly go out jogging with a couple of Unbelievababes, all wearing hairbands for no apparent reason.

But Clark? He's in a class of his own. But you knew that, didn't you?

Clark went through a phase of head adorning that was unlike anything we'd ever seen. And we are talking about the man that came up with the Wing Ring!

One time he tried to make himself look tougher by wearing a boxing glove on his head.

Let's not forget his Christmas decorations.

And then he bought himself a baby bonnet and wore it everywhere.

See? Clark rushes in where angels fear to tread. And that's what makes him Unbelievable. 

As for me, well, these days the only thing I put on my noggin is shades. Very useful things, shades, and us crimefighters find all sorts of uses for them beyond the usual 'protecting your eyes from the Sun's harmful UV rays'.

Pop goes the rings

There was a very, very brief period where we were all enamored with candy ring pops. Well, me more than we. And obsessed more than enamored. But I had valid reasoning!

• They're colorful and attention-attracting
• They're delicious
• Ladies love 'em

So yeah, all of those things are really only applicable at parties. Their presence is downright detrimental in tactical situations.

OR ARE THEY?!?

Much of the time we spend on missions is devoted to surveillance. Stake-outs, if you will. And do you know what happens when you're on a stake-out? You get hungry. For that reason, I had these handy prototypes drawn up...

A sandwich ring!

A wing ring!

A chowder ring!

And what could be better on a stake-out than a steak ring!

Genius, right? Thanks! But there was one inherent flaw; lots of our foes utilize guard dogs to protect their secret lairs and after we looked at the results from one field test...

...it was decided that it would be best to scrap this idea.