Wednesday, November 18, 2015

What DO we know about Ryūzō and his henchmen? Plenty

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"
Thugs. Goons. Henchmen. Whatever you want to call them. They're all pretty much the same. Why? Well, because those who operate in the realm of muscle-for-hire are actually certified professionals. In fact, without that board certification, it is not legal for them to operate illegally in most countries and 48 of the 50 states in America (Florida and Texas, shockingly, have no standards in this area, among many, many others).

So, what do we know about Ryūzō and his crew? Basically what we know from the Fraternal Order of Underlings, Goons, Henchmen & Thugs (F.O.U.G.H.T) Standards and Practices manual...

All certified professionals must:

  • Possess the ability to blindly follow orders
  • Be willing to wear the uniform as determined by the boss.
  • Have the ability to carry multiple sacks of loot.
  • Be big and strong, yet generally kind of 'doughy' in appearance
  • Remember to attack one at a time, regardless of how many of them there are.
  • Learn the phrase, "Uhhh, what now, boss?"
  • Not be able to hit the broadside of anything with any kind of weapon

"Seriously, why do we even have guns?"
That's just the minimum job requirements. There is also an exam...

A boss tells you to do something that is sure to end with you being arrested, crippled and or dead. Your response?

  1. Do it.
  2. Incorrect.
The boss tells you to wear this as a uniform
You say:
  1. "What do the initials and numbers mean?"
  2. "Turtlenecks make me itch."
  3. "Whatever you say, boss."
You're emptying a bank vault. How many sacks of loot do you grab?
  1. One. So I have a hand free to open a door or fight if necessary.
  2. Two. Because that's enough.
  3. Four. Two in each hand.
You can lift
  1. Another henchman, to help him scale a wall.
  2. A safe.
  3. The rear end of a sedan.
  4. Whatever.
The last time you exercised...
  1. Haw haw! What's exercise?
  2. I did crunches once when a hero punched me repeatedly in my face. Well, I heard crunches.
You and six of your buddies have a hero cornered in a blind alley. You...
  1. Smile and politely say, "after you" to one of your colleagues.
  2. Dial 9 and 1 on your cell phone, knowing how this will end for you.
  3. Say, "All right guys, just this once let's try overpowering him by all attacking at once, using the clear and obvious advantage of our numbers to... Carl, wait! Wait! Carl!! Oh damn it,"
Something goes terribly wrong. You return to the hideout and say...
  1. Oy, my ribs. Such a pain I'm feeling in my torso region!
  2. Uhhh, what now, boss?
  3. You know, I tried to get everybody to attack at once, but did anybody listen to me? Noooo! Nobody ever listens to me. Especially Carl.
You spy a hero trying to sneak into your hideout. You pull out your gun and...
  1. Fire a warning shot harmlessly into the air. Fair is fair and safety first.
  2. Fire every shot in your clip at him, hitting nothing but getting the attention of nearby law enforcement officers who were just standing around doing nothing until they heard gunfire.
  3. Tilt it sideways and fire, gangsta-style. But hitting nothing.
  4. Just put it on the ground at your feet because you know what's coming.

So while we know nothing about these henchmen, we know everything we need to know about henchmen. 
But what of Rod Stewart and The Conductor?!? 
Jeff will tell you on Friday!


  1. A great instruction of self-defense!! I'll tale all the steps into consideration and will be much protected next time!