Sartorial Assistance

When it comes to assistance, we've never needed much, you know? Armed as we are with our knowledge of Unbelieva-Zen, Unbelieva-Fu, handling weaponry (including the incredibly useful Lobster Rage Fist), making things go KABOOM,  and our use of witty barbs and sarcastic put-downs courtesy of Dag Nabbit, we're pretty much unstoppable, as our many foes will testify. 

Now available in Russian!

But there is one more weapon in our arsenal that is like the cherry on top of the bun, the icing on the cake, the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas (get on with it! - Ed.)in short, the dog's bollocks, it is our sweet, sweet style.

It's no secret that we have been fashion icons since before fashion icons were even a thing. 

You may laugh and scoff, but let me tell you - being armed to the teeth and skilled in martial arts is one thing, but being armed and dangerous while looking amazing is quite another.

We may not look armed, but do not fool yourself into thinking that you are safe for even a second.

Think of all your action heroes - Van Damme, Schwarzenegger, Seagal, etc. Ever see any of them pull off ponchos and cardigans quite like us? No. Because they can't handle the cravat and the belted cardigan, the corduroy and the jumpsuit. But us - well, you know we can. 

Only we can look this cool and relaxed after having booted Henri Petit out of a window or thrown Little Debbie's henchmen down six flights of stairs while mixing a pitcher of Moscow Mules and flipping on the latest from Esquivel!

So, make no mistake, evil-doers! We will get you and stop you from doing evil, and we'll look immaculate while doing it. 

Pop goes the rings

There was a very, very brief period where we were all enamored with candy ring pops. Well, me more than we. And obsessed more than enamored. But I had valid reasoning!

• They're colorful and attention-attracting
• They're delicious
• Ladies love 'em

So yeah, all of those things are really only applicable at parties. Their presence is downright detrimental in tactical situations.

OR ARE THEY?!?

Much of the time we spend on missions is devoted to surveillance. Stake-outs, if you will. And do you know what happens when you're on a stake-out? You get hungry. For that reason, I had these handy prototypes drawn up...

A sandwich ring!

A wing ring!

A chowder ring!

And what could be better on a stake-out than a steak ring!

Genius, right? Thanks! But there was one inherent flaw; lots of our foes utilize guard dogs to protect their secret lairs and after we looked at the results from one field test...

...it was decided that it would be best to scrap this idea.

Accoutrements Not Needed

Chain Gag was one of our more notorious foes. But that was a long, long time ago.

And, really, he wasn't that much of a foe.

The most notorious thing about him was simply all that sparkling hardware. In the glaring sun, it was difficult to read him. But ... it was easy to see where he was at any point in time. And that was our advantage.

"The Unbelievables claim they're suave and fashion-conscious but your lack of jewelry says otherwise!" Chain Gag boasted once.

Once.

Because as he was yelling this at us, one of his nose rings broke when it caught in one of his bracelets and beads and bangles went flying everywhere.

"My beloved prop!" he yelled out, immediately dropping to his knees to save what he could of trinkets that went rolling every which way. Needless to say it was easy to defeat him while he was on the ground searching for baubles.

Which coincidentally led to another Unbelievable fan letter asking why we didn't wear any sort of jewelry - chains, necklaces, armbands, pins, etc. The response was the (brief) tale about Chain Gag.

I mean, really ... if The Unbelievables looked like this ...

... would we be as loved as we are? Or this?
 

 How about this?

(Much as we love Flavor Flav, Flav's got a style all his own ... but it's not our style.)

Really? All we need is a simple watch and we're good.

The guys will tell you other jewelry no-no's of ours and the reasons we stay far away from them.

Where's Michael THIS time??

Michael didn't check in with his chapter in this week's saga, but we aren't that concerned. We're pretty sure he tinkered with the stealth cloaking feature of his Unbelievasuit, dialing it up to 11, and may very well be right here; we simply can't detect his presence at all.
Here are some of the last times we saw him (using our Unbelievaspecs, we can see things that you folks might think are truly invisible)...

Sitting on his favorite "thinking about things" bench

Enjoying sand and surf

This one is at a distance but there he is, halfway up the summit. Hello-o-o-o-o!

That's simply a testament to how good the technology is and why one shouldn't mess with it. Our hope is Michael sees this, realizes there's a problem and un-tinkers his way back into visual existence.

Suitable for action

We pride ourselves on our detective skills, the ability to solve a crime with our brains and not our brawns. But at our core, we are men of action and sometimes (not always), action refers to the process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim. In other words, sometimes we have to let our fists and feet do the thinking. And that's when we put on our Unbelievasuits!

We never wear the one on the far right after Labor Day

They're ideal for...

• Karate fighting
• Underwater operations
• Judo fighting
• High altitudes
• Kung Fu fighting
• Spelunking
• Jiu-jitsu fighting
• High-speed car chases
• Fighting

They're constructed from high-tech, moisture-seeking-yet-resistant micro fibers that keep us at an optimal body temperature at all times.

Prototypical application of this technology

There's even a stealth component...

Pictured (L to R): Jeff, Michael, me

And my personal favorite feature, decoy mode. This allows them to take on the appearance of regular civilian-style clothing so we can blend in with the populace...

Me and Michael, questioning a "person of interest" as Jeff keeps a watchful eye

I've only scratched the surface in terms of the capabilities of these incredible garments. Jeff and Michael will have more info for you later this week!

When Unbelievableness Goes Awry

Everyone loves The Unbelievables.

But some folks can take our fashion sense a bit too far ...

Be careful out there, people ...

Football Fashion For Fall!

As the air gets cooler and the leaves turn browner, it's almost time to put away the summer fashions.

If you own this in more than just white, you're good.
If not, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

Lest we forget, the sports calendar moves along as well. That means after a summer when the whole world was watching football (and rooting for the upstart and dearly departed nation of Unbelievia to bring home The World Cup), it's time to start watching football! The two most powerful retailers in the world (J.C. Penny's and Sears, of course) have fantastic fan wear that will allow you to root for any of the 26 NFL teams in style! 

A rain slicker is a must-have. Might as well get one that supports your favorite team. As you can see, this item is available for black people too!

What would it look like if one really fast player played for every team? Buy all 15 of these sweatshirts and find out!

Simple. Understated. Classy. Nothing conjures up what the NFL is all about like the iconic football helmet, the shoddy, ineffectual headgear that shortens the lifespans of real former football players, often by rendering them suicidal!

What better way to show your support for the greatest football player of all time, O.J. Simpson, than with a shirt with his picture on it? Other teams available too.

The key to any good workout regimen is a sharp looking track suit, as shown on this page by former Pittsburgh Steeler Dan Tackwad. Dan is in the pro football hall of fame as the last white defensive back to play in the NFL. He starts his days now just like he did when he played, with a very slow two mile run. Top off your ensemble with a douchey Ashton Kutcher cap!

Time for bed. Even the most intense 'roid rage will be quelled by these comfy, cozy jammie sets. Nighty-night, all star!

Here's the ultimate! An actual NFL team uniform! You and your friends can put together your own versions of the Los Angeles Rams and Houston Oilers. All uniforms are available in the "home" (dark) version only and are numbered either 33, 44 or 55 for maximum confusion and mayhem on the gridiron. Best of all, you know these uniforms are authentic NFL caliber; $9.99 is the same amount the NFL invests in the on-field safety of each of their players!

Fall Approacheth

"There's a brand new dance
but I don't know its name
That people from bad homes
do again and again ..."

- Fashion, David Bowie

Yes ... that time of year is headed for us quickly.

Labor Day Weekend.

Less than two weeks away, it heralds the all-important call for fashion hints of Fall. Yes, summer is still in full swing, but it doesn't hurt to think about preparing the sweaters and jackets and scarves and other adornments which will usher in the inevitable cooler temperatures. Don't worry though - there are still plenty of sunshiny days left in the year. You have plenty of time.

Of course I can still get away with crocheted shorts for a while longer. No one wears them quite the same way I do. It's not just anyone who can pull them off, you know ...

But we thought we'd put a bug in your ear, a little niggle as a courtesy reminder about fashion change. While the (official) last day to wear white comes knocking at the door, The Unbelievables thought it might be a good idea to toss around a couple "do" and "don't" notations regarding clothing configurations ...  

It's your last chance to don classic summer swimwear. Just do it.

 

And while there's nothing wrong with a "classic" look, remember gentlemen:

Remove those unsightly tags.

As the summer days wane don't forget: No socks with sandals. Period.

Cooler weather means time to store this type of footwear until next year.

No one gets away with this look.

 

Don't even think about it ...

 

Same goes for the ladies. This "trend" failed long ago.

 

You might get away with this in the far climes of Alaska. Or Siberia.

Feel free to express yourself like this after you move there.

Conan tried "jeggings" once and promptly fell on his face, metaphorically speaking.

That lesson has been learned.

Practical for attracting blind porcupines, maybe, but little else.

No reptiles on sweaters. Ever.

We get that you have love for your particular brand of cartoon character.

But you don't have to express it in public.

From the failed Chestburster Collection of 1979

when the film Alien was all the rage.

Yes, The Unbelievables are into recycling.

But we're only willing to go so far ... 

  

Fall is coming. This won't work for Fall.

(Or Winter. Or Spring. Or Summer.

Or morning. Or Sunday brunch. Or ever for that matter.)