The rules are fiendishly simple, yet simply fiendish.
As you know, there are three teams of three. Let me use a simple diagram to illustrate the layout of said game.
The players stand as illustrated - two at either end of the "home line" and the third defending their section of the goal.
The ball itself is deliberately odd-shaped.
It may only be handled with the hands, head, chest, elbows, knees or groin. No kicking is allowed.
As you might expect, the game has three periods which are called "thirds" (duh). Each third is thirteen minutes long.
At the beginning of the game, the first shot is made by the team that wins a tournament of rock/paper/scissors. The first shot is made by the person on the left side of the "homeline".
Between each 'third', teams are required to down at least two cocktails before resuming gameplay. Also, players are required to rotate between thirds so that every player gets a turn in each position.
Also, trash talking is completely forbidden. Instead, withering sarcasm and dry wit are used.
At the end of the third 'third', the winner is obviously the one with the most points, as long as they can still say 'rubber baby buggy bumpers' six times fast. In the event that they can't, the winner is the one who looks better in slacks.
After the game, all players must strip off and head to the hot tub.
Move aside, Quidditch.