Friday, October 27, 2017

Playing By The Rules, With Odd-Shaped Balls

Well, the guys have expounded at length regarding the game of Unbelievaball. In fact, they've said so much about the game and how it should be played in a gentlemanly rather than violent fashion, how there are three teams rather than two, and generally every other aspect save how the game is played. Yes, the rules. 

The rules are fiendishly simple, yet simply fiendish.

As you know, there are three teams of three. Let me use a simple diagram to illustrate the layout of said game.

As you may expect, in a game with three teams, there are three sides to the pitch. In the center of the pitch is a large circular "goal", itself divided into three sections. 

The players stand as illustrated - two at either end of the "home line" and the third defending their section of the goal.

The ball itself is deliberately odd-shaped.

It may only be handled with the hands, head, chest, elbows, knees or groin. No kicking is allowed.


As you might expect, the game has three periods which are called "thirds" (duh). Each third is thirteen minutes long.

At the beginning of the game, the first shot is made by the team that wins a tournament of rock/paper/scissors.  The first shot is made by the person on the left side of the "homeline".

The objective is to deposit the ball safely in one of your opponents' goal sections, scoring you one point. However, as game play progresses, if one team seems to have a larger-than-normal advantage in the scoring stakes, the other two teams may decide to 'gang up' on them and work together to block their shots. This is made all the more difficult as gameplay progresses, due largely to the requirement to take a drink after each goal is scored, as well as the fact that 'goalies' can only use the backs of their hands to deflect the ball. Also, goalies are expressly forbidden to knock the ball into the opposing goals themselves - only the two players on the "homeline" are allowed to score. If a goalie knocks it in, it is disallowed unless they accidentally score an 'own goal'.

Between each 'third', teams are required to down at least two cocktails before resuming gameplay. Also, players are required to rotate between thirds so that every player gets a turn in each position. 

Also, trash talking is completely forbidden. Instead, withering sarcasm and dry wit are used.

At the end of the third 'third', the winner is obviously the one with the most points, as long as they can still say 'rubber baby buggy bumpers' six times fast. In the event that they can't, the winner is the one who looks better in slacks.

After the game, all players must strip off and head to the hot tub.

Move aside, Quidditch.

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