Monday, March 6, 2017

Something small and sneaky this way comes

"Svxvxvssslisten up, Unbelievabssslllsxzz, forget about the whole svxvsz 72 zxsxz I had visitorszxzzss outa town zzzssx uncle zzsxszxAunt Clara and ffzxzsff Victoria Sandwich afararaaaa-a-a-a-zzzss. I'll be callingzzzfrfrfr Mondayccchhhh fffrfzzzss. So there!" - Yesterday

With that warning, we agreed that we should pay particular attention to the phone ringing and that we should take turns monitoring incoming calls. I drew the first shift and it didn't take long...

ME: Hello, this is The Unbelievables.
CALLER: Hello! You've just won a...
ME: Oh, we don't have time for this!

ME: Hello, this is The Unbelievables.
CALLER: You dare to hang up on Zigfried?!? Your insolence will cost you dearly!
ME: That was you? You sound much clearer than you did yesterday.
CALLER ZIGFRIED: Ah, sorry about that. I was driving through a tunnel.
ME: Whatever. So, for all this drama, you're nothing more than a two-bit timeshare salesman?
ME: Then why did you say we've won some stupid prize?
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but if you hadn't hung up, you'd have heard me say 'You've just won a major butt-kicking from me, the great Zigfried!'
ME: You do realize that people threatening us with major butt-kickings is pretty standard around here, right? Not exactly the most creative way to get our attention.
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but you have never faced an adversary like me! You have no idea what you're up against!
ME: We do, actually. We've seen video of you in action. You're very small. Not that small people are incapable of accomplishing things because of course they are. But your fighting style of throwing yourself at people is rendered ineffective against anyone who anticipates it and simply catches you as they might an overly enthusiastic Golden Retriever puppy, followed by punting you off a bridge, not as anyone would do to a Golden Retriever puppy.
ZIGFRIED: Ah, but you have forgotten my uncanny ability to infiltrate any secure facility, such as your vaunted Unbelieva-base!
ME: Stop saying 'ah' at the start of every sentence. It's unnecessary and pretentious.
ZIGFRIED: Listen to me you buffoon! Svxvxvsss I will sxzz be theresvxvsz zxsxzbefore you realizezxzzss zzzssx zzsxszx at which point it will ffzxzsff  too late-a-a-a-zzzss. Zzzfrfrfr fffrfzzzss.

So we know:
  • He's sneaky.
  • He didn't deny being small.
  • It's hard to remember if it's spelled 'Zigfried' or 'Zigfreid' or Zigried' even. All of them look wrong.
  • He feels it necessary to point things out by beginning sentences with 'ah', which I find patronizing. 
  • He's coming to attack us and he has to pass through a tunnel to get here. 
Hmm, I'd say we're at least partially prepared to deal with whatever comes next.

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