Friday, February 13, 2015

The Mysterious Mystery of Mysteriousness (finale) ...

What happened? You know what happened!
Well, you don't. But Jeff and Michael know full and well what happened.
A whirlwind romance, the kind that they used to write epic songs about, is what happened.
I serenaded her...

We danced until dawn...

We traveled the world together as adventurous explorers and even more adventurous lovers (second base several times). From Paris...

To Tokyo...

And even Detroit.

Yes, I have to admit we made for quite a couple!

We were wrapping up our global jaunt when I woke up one morning to find my little Oleander Blossom looking melancholy. "What's wrong, my little Cornflower Crayon?", I asked, using one of about a million adorable nicknames I had for her. "Oh Clark (she wasn't nearly as good as I was at nicknames), I've had the most wonderful time on this trip, but I'm afraid I've kept a terrible secret from you and it's breaking my heart." "What is it, my Shrimp Scampi?" "I'm afraid...there is another."
My blood ran cold, my heart breaking into four equally-sized pieces. "Who is he?", I asked, against my better judgment. She brightened and said, "He's wonderful! So intelligent! He's extremely youthful looking and not very tall. He smokes, which is a nasty habit, but he does it with such style and grace that I don't even mind." The four pieces of my heart exploded into several thousand pieces of indeterminable shapes and sizes. "What's his name?", I hissed between clenched teeth. "It's Henry, but he pronounces it funny, like in a European way. Like, On-ree".
THIS motherf...

The scattered, shattered and covered pieces of my heart came together like the individual members of the Ohio State University marching band during a college football halftime show to form a giant foot kicking a baby through a window.
Oh Jessie, Jessie, Jessie
Not him. Not the vile, despicable, ugly, stupid, infant villain Henri Petit! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Yes. Him.

I proceeded to jump overboard and swam however man miles it was to shore. From there, I returned to the sides of my comrades Jeff and Michael a broken and bitter, no-longer-young-man, man. A man ready to dedicate his life to helping his loyal chums stylishly kicking butt... and taking revenge against a certain chain-smoking little blob of yuck.

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