Top, or bottom, of the pyramid

There's no shortage of people out there who will try to tell you the Illuminati don't exist. That makes perfect sense, if you think about it. Who would benefit from denying the existence of a secret society that controls the world through clandestine meetings and behind the scenes manipulation more than a secret society that controls the world through clandestine meetings and behind-the-scenes manipulation? It's really a matter of common sense; is it really so hard to believe that a small handful of extremely powerful people actually control everything that happens in the world when everything is so peachy-keen? Nice try, professional skeptics on retainer on behalf of the Illuminati itself.

No, I'm afraid the Illuminati are very much for real and as Jeff said, the organization consists of "virtually everyone who's even a little bit famous". The truth is, you really don't know how deep... or more accurately, how shallow... this thing really goes. The pyramid symbol so deeply embedded in Illuminati culture should actually be upside down.

Allow me to explain.

Yes, the Illuminati is infested with celebrities. However, there's an obvious inherent flaw in stocking your secret organization with high-profile personalities who live in the constant harsh glare of spotlights and flashbulbs. Folks like Beyonce, God bless 'em, can't go more than a few minutes without doing something designed to draw attention. Like, say, oh, I don't know, maybe flash the organization's primary symbol while performing during the scheduled break in the middle of the world's most widely televised event? That is not exactly the trait you're looking for in selecting someone to lead your covert cabal. In other words, the bigger the star, the less influential the Illuminati-ator.

The guy who buses tables when the meetings are over

So who is at the top... or bottom... of it all? This guy...


"My pyramid is this wide at the bottom"

Behold Linn Burton, the tv pitchman for Bert Weinman Ford in Chicago back in the mid to late 20th century. Burton perfected the art of being famous-yet-stealthy long ago when people thought he actually was Bert Weinman "Your TV Ford Man" himself, and not just an announcer in commercials. Burton also lent his announcing talent to ads for Polk Brothers appliances, L. Fish furniture, Curtiss candy bars, Joe Rizza Chevrolets and Rogers & Holland jewelry between the 1950s and early '80s. And if you're sitting there now, saying "wait a minute; who the hell are any of these people?!?", all I can say is, yes, exactly.

Upon faking his death in 1995, he travelled to the uncharted Illuminati Island somewhere in the south Pacific in Walt Disney's submarine piloted by Elvis Presley, where he lives today, conducting and overseeing operations from a cave beneath a dormant volcano.

We haven't found the island yet (we have reason to believe that the island itself is now motorized and capable of travelling any of the earth's oceans) but it's way up there on our "to-do" list.