Friday, February 1, 2013

Girls on Film. And TV.

Hollywood is a sleazy town populated by low-lifes who prey on the innocent. It's a place where there's as much danger behind the closed doors of a movie studio exec's office as there is on the mean streets that form the grid between Sunset Boulevard and the Wilshire Country Club. Blinded by the false promises of fame and fortune, young people from around the world are drawn to this cesspool the way moths are drawn to flame; with promises of lots of money, easy access to recreational drugs and marathon sessions of mind-bending sex.
Needless to say yet worth mentioning, Hollywood keeps The Unbelievables busy.
Many people assume (correctly) that our various associations with various starlets has to do with the fact that they're beautiful and we're The Unbelievables. But another factor in many of these couplings is these are women who we have rescued from the lecherous clutches of nefarious casting directors, producers, lighting technicians, gaffers, foley artists, caterers and best boys. Out of gratitude to us and in an effort to help those who may follow in their path some day, they work for us undercover. Sometimes, the nature of these cases requires that we not be seen together. That's when these talented women have to communicate messages to us via a complex system of body language cues directly from the screen!

This is Maureen McCormick, better known as TV's Marcia Brady. In this screencap from an ABC movie of the week titled 'The Groovy Grotto of Johnny Risotto' , you'll notice her right leg extended near an acoustic guitar while her left leg is retracted beneath her. Also, her head is cocked towards that guitar while she maintains direct eye contact. This was her letting us know that her investigation revealed that John Lennon (Guitar? Musician? See?) was not a communist (Not communist? Not left leg? Get it?) threat to the U.S. and that we could tell President Nixon to back off.

Here's Pam Grier (Coffy, Foxy Brown). In this scene from 'Jacqui Bouffet, Jive Turkey Slayer' opening a door with a slight smile on her face, although avoiding eye contact with a pimp, with her bare right arm in clear view. This was her telling us we could be friendly if we ever encountered Sammy Davis Jr. but we should still pack heat (be armed) just to be safe.

Yvonne Craig (Batgirl) simply letting us know that we should keep an eye on Lance Armstrong.

Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched): "I do not answer to the name Elizabeth anymore. My name is now Ursa and I am Queen of the Bears. Do not attempt to contact me. When the Bears have something to say, I will make myself known again. Until then, there is no Elizabeth, only Ursa. Also, I had some bad Thai for lunch; are there any woods nearby?" We didn't work with her very much after this.

Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science) in jean shorts, hung up on a fence: "A majority of University of Florida students have not decided for whom they are voting in the upcoming elections." It was extremely difficult for Kelly to work this into a BBC television production of 'Hamlet' without blowing her cover. She's a real pro.

Painter Bob Ross (not an actress but a Hollywood, um, friend) who, as you will see, put A LOT of detail into his paintings: "Yeah, I'll talk to Elizabeth. What's she calling herself? Ursa? For **** sake. Okay. Yeah, I'll make up some **** about happy trees or something, where she'll feel at peace and can chase rabbits or whatever and blah blah ****ing blah. I'll chill her right the **** out. But I'll tell you what; you mother****ers owe me big time for this bull****. Buncha good-for-nothing ********ers. Unbelievable my ****."

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