Monday, February 25, 2013

Pet Peeves And The Unbelievables

Pet peeves.

Everyone's got'em. You. Me. Our nemeses. That guy standing at the bus stop.

The difference between theirs and ours, however, is ours have worked to our advantage when it comes to crime fighting.

One of my personal peeves? Leaving the toilet lid up. Note I said "lid" ... not "seat." (Some of you out there are tilting your heads and quizzically huffing "Huh?") There's a difference.  

The "seat" of the toilet is what you sit the back of your front upon. The "lid" is the cover which tops the seat. Once "engaged" you can sit on it (with clothes on or off) to relax and think a bit before venturing out into the world. You can prop your feet atop it to paint your toenails. You can stand on it to reach that cobweb in the corner you obviously forgot when you cleaned last week. (Or last month. Or October.) And there's more, more, more.

You see ... there's a contingent of folks out there who do not close the lid of the loo when they're finished visiting "the library." Thus my peeve. I'm not the OCD type who must have everything "just so" (so he says, confident in the fact his hands have been washed several times already this morning). But!  A clean and tidy restroom comes complete with the toilet lid down.

This isn't just for aesthetics, you understand. There's a method to the madness. Regular practice of flipping down the lid prevents beloved pets from using the john as a water bowl. A closed lid deters any non-toilet bowl items and gadgets from falling into 3 liters of wetness. Practicality is key here. You've heard (and possibly experienced) the horror of dropping your cell phone in the bowl, only to retrieve it and find it discombobulated beyond revivification. (You haven't yet? Well ... keep leaving that lid up. It'll happen soon enough. Don't pooh-pooh it. Eventually, it happens to everyone who refuses to heed this warning.)

Bringing that lid to a horizontal position will save your life as well. Drop that plugged in hair dryer in the watery depths and you flirt with electrocution. With the topper shut, that dryer deflects off it and drops to the ground harmlessly (unless bare feet are in the way). No need for fear of being fried with your hair still freshly washed.

So you may be asking yourself: "Michael ... this is all well and fine, but how has it benefited The Unbelievables?"

Well ... the bad guys on the long list of Unbelievables' Enemies are interesting ones. The list contains everyone from those who want to take over the world to some who simply want to cause mischief. There are brilliant ones and bumbling ones. It's those bumblers whose antics make life easy for us.

There's been many a time when some evil doer's gun accidentally got dropped in the shitter as we've come upon them in a "compromising position." There was the instance when Chafe Del Husqvarna let slip an almost-put-together detonator right into an open-lidded bowl. (A soggy detonator isn't conducive to engaging a device.) Then there was the time one common villain (I forget who) tried escaping us by exiting out a bathroom window. As he launched himself up to a window above a toilet, he stuck his foot right into wetness and got caught. Not only was he unable to grab purchase in order to lift himself window-ward, he ended up confined at the ankle courtesy of the swishy waterworks. All because someone didn't have the common sense to tip the toilet lid shut.

See? Safety, practicality, functionability. But, since the deed wasn't done, the bad guy got nabbed.

Internally, we used to have the same problem with fellow Unbelievable Jeff. (You know how the British are: They're "proper" and all that, but ... well ...) Clark and I are happy to report, however, he has been ... erm, uhm ... "educated" in restroom decorum and currently all is right with the world.

So shut those lids, folks! You'd've never thunked doing so could deter crime. Did you?

Mine is a simple pet peeve. Wait 'til you get a load of the ones Clark and Jeff have in store for you ...

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