Friday, November 3, 2017

Mail call for fall mail

Is this thing EVER empty??
Most of the sheer mass of mailings we receive can be sorted into a few categories that pop up repeatedly:

  • Requests for advice
  • Idiotic questions
  • Threats (credible)
  • Threats (outlandish and impossible)
  • Fan mail
  • Nudies
Often, these letters qualify to be classified under multiple categories. For instance, most nude shots come from fans. While a naked picture from Henri Petit could be considered threatening.
Don't get any bright ideas, vile curtain climber
Another category that might merit its own slot is seasonal concerns. For some reason, this fall has brought forth a veritable deluge of autumn-centric inquiries. Like this one:
"Dear Unbelievables,Why do you lose your battle every year with whatever super villain that changes time and shortens days? It's great that you come back and defeat him (her? whomever) in the spring, but why not just win that battle when it happens? It's not like you can't prepare for it; it happens every year. Come on guys. Be proactive, not reactive. I'm sick of it. At least tell me what I should do to be able to deal with it. If you don't get a handle on this, I'm going to do something very, very bad. I don't know what or how I will do it, but it will be incredibly tragic!
Sincerely,Frustrated, Really Angry, Unbelievably Disappointed
PS: Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan. Please see the enclosed photo. You're welcome."

Congratulations, F.R.A.U.D. You are the first person to send us a letter that qualifies for every category!

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