Friday, November 17, 2017

Oddball Obsessives

As Michael correctly surmised on Wednesday, "Jeff might have a couple more we missed.". Oh, I have at least a couple. My question is, what is these people's problem? Why do most of them want to dress up as or transform into other species? For example:


Yes, she's had her name legally changed to Ducky McDuckface, and is hell-bent on becoming a duck, in order to "take over the world". Isn't that what they all want? However, she is not specific about what she'll do with the world once she takes it over. She just says she'll "run it her way". Well, if her attempts to turn into a duck consist of a little more effort that two Pringles and a couple of grapes, maybe we might be bothered to sit up and take notice. Until then, however, we're just gonna chill.


This one time fruit seller was robbed repeatedly until all he had left was a bunch of limes (oddly enough, his favourite fruit). They stole his fruit stand and his clothes, so he now wears the limes as a sort of superhero costume, with a vow to "teach society a lesson - you don't mess with the fruit sellers". No danger to us, but we keep an eye on him as he seems to be a bit of a danger to himself.


At one point, this candy-and-tobacco addicted former crazy-golf-hut-attendant was a handsome man. You wouldn't know it now, though. The candy rotted his teeth, he lost his job at the crazy golf place... you fill in the blanks. He now makes a living as a Popeye impersonator on the streets of Stiletto Flats, doing what is probably the strangest, if not wholly inaccurate Popeye impersonation I think I've ever seen. Again, a danger to no-one but himself, he has come panhandling in our launderette a time or two, and we've had to throw him out and send him on his way with a flea in his ear.


Ratdentist is a great lover of kids' movies, and so was inspired when he saw Ratatouille, the movie about the rat that becomes a top-flight chef. "I thought, why not! If a rat can become a chef, then why not a dentist. I'a always been a passion of mine to go into dentistry..." What he doesn't mention is that he's taken to petty larceny to pay for dental college. If we can get him to go straight, we'd gladly pay his tuition, but he needs to turn himself in first.


Ms. Blastov has been experimenting for many years with creating human missiles, propelled by a variety of fuels, all of them a variation on the same theme. The idea behind it is apparently to get the humans airborne and then shoot at people below with a poison dart system. We keep an eye on her simply because she might either succeed in getting more than three feet off the ground, or blow herself up.

Ramenelvis believes in the natural psychic-enhancing properties of noodles, and therefore wears a wig of ramen to enable him to telepathically read peoples minds. We keep an eye on him simply to protect him from getting attacked by seagulls.

 So there you have it. A few more oddballs that we simply have to keep tabs on simply to stop them from themselves.

P.S. Have you ever wondered what happened to Harry after The Hendersons? I spotted him the other day on the subway in Prague. What was I doing there? Maybe I'll tell you someday....

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