Friday, November 10, 2017

A Pretty Simple (g)Root Extraction

Free but still captive, weighing our options on how we were going to deal with Günther Parsifal McParshnipp and realizing all around us were nothing but root vegetables to use as weapons, I considered what Jeff and Clark had thought and said previously:

"... trying turn the world into a root-veg-only buffet, well, that's fascism." Which is a little bit odd coming from Jeff, being he's a big potato aficionado. And, being a type of tuber which is a form of root vegetable, well ... The distress of being captured and the added excitement of McParshnipp's digs ("I was drooling over that kitchen, let me tell you! It had EVERYTHING!") was rather overwhelming. And our new foe did lean to the extreme.

Clark's summation was a little more pointed: "You know, maybe this guy isn't completely off base here. Misguided, sure. Overly ambitious, definitely. But the world could probably benefit from more rooted vegetables ..." I mean, who couldn't benefit from a better diet that included vegetables nowadays? 

The fact of the matter, however, was we were nabbed and confined by an adversary rooted in roots.

What to do? What to do?

Then it came to me << BOOM! >> like a lightning bolt. 

"Guys, I have a plan. It's a little off-kilter but, being this McParshnipp guy is somewhat deluded* but I certain we can turn this root proclivity of his to our advantage." I detailed the plan to the guys. It was pretty simple but everyone need to be on board. "I noticed a Walmart not far away on our way here ..."

Finished detailing with the guys what I was about to do, I called out to McParshnipp's goons: "Get your boss. I need to talk to him." He came through the door a few minutes later.

"Ach, what gives?" McParshnipp huffed.

"I need to run an errand ... with your permission, of course." I told him.

He was naturally shocked at my request. "Nine, mein Herr! Are ya daft? If ya thin I'ma gonna let ya slip oute the compound, yav lost it, Jimmy ..."

"Again with the 'Jimmy' ..." Clark noted.

"Look" I reasoned "Clark and Jeff are still here. It's not like you don't have any hostages. And you can send as many of your goons with me you like. Plus ... I'll let you hold on to my driver's license. I know you know how hard it is to get those thing replaced ..." I opened my wallet and handed him my license.

"Well now ..."

"I'll be back lickety split. Promise."

He sighed heavily. "Ahll right, then. Off with ya ..."

I was back in less time than I thought. McParshnipp and the guys were waiting in anticipation. "Here." I handed him a wrapped package.

"Wot's this?" he asked.

"Just open it." I looked at Clark and Jeff. Both of them exchanged smirks.

"Ya wouldn' be foolish enough to hand meh uh bomb now, wouldja?"

"Just freakin' open it ..." I commanded.

He delicately ripped the paper of the package. He looked at his henchmen and they straightened to attention just in case. 

McParshnipp pulled out a stuffed Groot doll. You know ... Groot from Guardians Of The Galaxy.

McParshnipp looked confused. "What's this now?"

"Squeeze it." He did so.

"I am Groot!" Groot stated. "I am Groot!" The look that came over adversary was classic, just as planned.

"Mein passion has changed! I love him ... !!!" he yelped to us. "Kommit here, mein little Root! Ya've gotta wee bit of odd accent ... but I love ya, ja!" Hugging the Groot doll, we couldn't help but be a bit embarrassed for the dude. But it was a means to an end ... the end of our captivity.

He handed my license back to me, freed us, shook our hands profusely and continued going gaga over his new toy. He even promised to stop his (possible) nefarious ways and be nice.

Obviously, McParshnipp had been overtaken with joy by a kid's toy he mistakenly thought was named Root. It doesn't get any more poetic than that. 

*Note: And who of our rivals aren't deluded in some way?