Michael: Unbelievable No More ... ???

Understand: Not only must every dog have its day but that day just might signal a time for the dog to go.

It's been a good run with Clark and Jeff.

But ... the party's over. Gotta run, skedaddle. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara. Hasta la vista, Baby.

Many of you might say "But the three of you are ...

"... as tight as The Three Stooges ..."

"... as soaring as The Three Tenors ..."

"... as crack a team as Lester Harris' Three Musketeers ..."

(No other incarnation comes close ...)

"... as carefree as Bueller and his compadres ..."

"... spirited as The Del Rubio Triplets ..."

"... as firm as the Jaws men ..."

"... as diligent as Star Trek's triumvirate ..."

"... as defining as Nirvana ..."

"... as adorable as The Powerpuff Girls ..."

"... and as fun loving as Janet, Jack Chrissy

from Three's Company."

But the truth of the matter is this: I personally believe we are more akin to The Police ala their "Outlandos d'Amour" years ...

Still ... my days as one of The Unbelievables are at an end. 

The boys will tell you why ...

Dance to the death

It turns out that Van Veen was using his influence and access around the BBC for nothing more than access to stealing dance costumes. But why? Because he was outfitting his own dance team/elite assassination squad, which he was calling the Van Veen Va Vooms.

(L to R) Griselda, Queenie, Madelyn and Punchetta

His plan: recruit four of the world's sexiest dancers and turn them into killers. When we got him to confess (which, as always, was pretty easy; would-be super-villains love to confess), he said, in that weird way of his, "The daaaahncers, so beautiful, yes? Lovely to look aaaat, deadly to deeeal with. As skilled in the art of the daaaahnce as the art of the kiiiill." To his credit, he had done a fantastic job of recruiting, The Van Veen Va Vooms were:

• Madelyn - specializing in ballet and bladed weapons
• Queenie - specializing in ballroom and toxins
• Punchetta - specializing in jazz, tap and punching
• Griselda - specializing in the art of seduction

We managed to thwart them before they ever carried out their very first attempt, the proposed assassination of Emperor B'll B'll of the island nation of Quapandwa, which would have thrown that whole region there into turmoil. It was a close call; B'll B'll was quite taken with Griselda...naturally.

But the puzzling aspect of the whole case was why Hermannus Jantinus "Herman" van Veen would go through so much trouble to establish a reputation for himself and get in such good graces with the BBC and the worldwide dance community only to resort to petty theft when it came time to outfit his troupe. 

Turns out he had bad credit.

The Va Vooms themselves were successfully rehabilitated and now work as activity directors at Tick-Tock Estates, an assisted living facility in Glendale, Arizona.

• Madelyn - specializing in board games
• Queenie - specializing in arts and crafts
• Punchetta - specializing in bus trips
• Griselda - specializing in the art of seduction

There's No Dance Off With Your Pants Off

Well ... Legs & Co. ...

It was Flick Colby herself - former dance troupe member herself and instigator/manager of Legs & Co. - who contacted us in search of The Unbelievables' assistance. It was discovered many of Legs & Co. costumes were being pilfered by someone and Ms. Colby wondered if we could get to the bottom (and the tops) of the situation.)

We all packed bags in case the caper took more than an afternoon and arranged to meet Ms. Colby at the BBC studios where we exchanged pleasantries, met the girls and got down to the business at hand.

... mmmmmmmmmmmm ... Lulu ...

Lulu Cartwright was my favorite of the troupe and it's not a gross understatement to declare I was rather taken by her. Business being business, I kept professional and delved into my part of the mission with zeal so as not to be distracted by her.

It was apparent I wasn't the only one taken in by the wiles of Ms. Lulu Cartwright

as evidence would indicate courtesy of this photo

with Lulu tightly sandwiched between Jeff and Clark ...

The BBC Studios was a massive place with lots of nooks and crannies to pour over. Overall, there wasn't anything out of the ordinary to point our attentions in any particular direction.

That is ... until we met Hermannus Jantinus "Herman" van Veen.

Van Veen (center) with members of Ruby Flipper.

He looked suspect even then ...

Herman Van Veen was instrumental in several dance groups for the BBC and no more so than with Flick during her time with Ruby Flipper, one of the predecessors of Legs & Co.

The dude had a presence about him that just didn't jibe with us. Plus ... he talked funny, a tell-tale sign of funny business.

But ... how was Van Veen mixed up with the Legs & Co.'s missing accouterments?

Clark will present that tale ...

Lords Of the Dance

As you may be aware, we Unbelievables are big fans of art in all its myriad forms. Music, painting, sculpture, architecture, theatre, the list goes on. It will not surprise you, then, to know that we are heavily into dance. In fact, three of our Unbelievababes were friends from school. And they were all dancers. 

Abigail Spishak...

Corinne MacDewberry..

and ShonaLynn Carnoustie.

To say they have blossomed in recent years would be understating the case.

By the way, why is it that photography has progressed to the extent that we are now able to take a photograph using a fancy expensive camera with bazillions of megapixels and then simulate the effect of a crappy old photo?

Many of our undercover network spanning the globe have also been dancers. Like f'rinstance...

Priscilla Pantouffles and her Pulchritudinous Prancers...

and Legs & Co., the legendary Top Of The Pops dance troupe.

We once called on Legs & Co. to assist us in a case that took us all the way to the famous BBC TV Centre in Wood Lane, London W1A 4AA. I'll let Michael and Clark fill you in on all the deets.

You Can Leave Your Hat On

Under normal circumstances, I would be aghast at the typecast "suggestions" Jeff intimated last post.

But ... it's true: I'm ecstatic for Schytts. Not only are they the epitome of a peppy dansband, they were obviously atop fashion sense and sensibility way, way back in the day.

Bonus: Schytts were monster inspirationalists as well. Long before it became a popular routine on Saturday Night Live, writer Andy Samberg's "dick in a box" routine (along with co-conspirator Justin Timberlake) got influenced by the above full-color poster.

And yes: That poster is hanging in the hallways at the Unbelieva-Base. 

Word.

And, please ... peruse and enjoy a little Schytts. (I dare you to remain seated during "Ajajaj.")

The Singing Swedes (No, not ABBA!)

On Monday Clark clued you all in about crime-fighting musicians. I wanted to let you all know about the almost disproportionate amount of law-upholding, justice-pursuing rock-n-rollers there are in Scandinavian countries. There are literally hundreds, and this is because of a clause in the legal systems of Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland, which require rock bands to be licensed before being allowed to perform. That's right. In order to be a loudmouth punk, longhaired metal master or even a bewhiskered folkie, you have to get a licence. When you get the licence, you have to swear an oath. The words of the oath are as follows (I'm paraphrasing, of course, due to the oath being far too long and convoluted for us Westernised lazy bums to cope with): "I solemnly swear to abide by the rules of the Scandinavian Musician's Code, to uphold the law and seek truth and justice wherever and whenever possible, because we Scandie types need to set an example to the world and show off our clever-clogsness because of an inborn desire to be the best, nanny-nanny-boo-boo." See? I told you I was paraphrasing. You get the gist.

As my father-in-law used to say, "You can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell him much." So true, so true.

As I say, there are literally hundreds of examples out there, but I am just going to show you a handful.

L to R: Jan, Jann, Jan-Mark, Mark-Jan, and Fred.

Rubb & Stubb by name, Rubb & Stubb by nature. These guys were masters of torture. Not for their music, you understand, but their methods of interrogation. Their trademark was rubbing your hair with a day-old piece of lutefisk and then stubbing Uncle Sven's old stogies out on your left buttock. Worked every time.

They look pretty harmless, don't they? Not sure which one's Bob and which one's Candy.

The Bob Candys sought to defuse conflict and stop wrongdoers in their tracks by disorienting them through the cunning use of shirts.

Clockwise from top left: Ben, Per, "Chopsy" and Birgit.

Western combo Birgits knew the secret was to kill you with kindness. After being invited into their house for some lefse and pickled herring, their down-to-earth bonhomie would disarm any would-be baddie, but after a couple of hours they'd be screaming to be let out and swear to follow the path of righteousness so long as they didn't have to put up with any more of Birgit's music.

L to R: Bjorn, Pal, "Beef", and (front) Horten Market. As you may have guessed, these guys were into Judo. And bad Photoshopping.

Again, fashion being used as a weapon here. Sometimes it was gaudy jackets and loon pants, but in extreme cases, they used nothing but hats.

Would it surprise you to know that Michael is a fan of the Schytts?

Bands no longer on the run

No doubt you remember our brief side-project punk band, the "Turds Of Misery" as well as our association with ultimate rock frontman Freddie Mercury of Queen along with sharing our tastes in all kinds of popular music. Well, what you may not know is that The Unbelievables are not the only crime fighting organization with ties to the world of music. You would probably be downright shocked to find out just how many popular bands and musicians are actually deep under cover in their own pursuit of truth, justice and all the various sundry items that follow. Here are just a few, all no longer active for any number of reasons because of course we're not going to blow someone's operation, duh. But these are all very successful entertainers whose records you no doubt own, and even more successful good guys.

Phillip, Frank, Dan and Gary. These guys weren't investigators or fighters but were absolutely unparalleled when it came to interrogation. I can't really describe their signature technique but if you ever found yourself on the wrong end of it (so to speak), it's unlikely you'd ever forget it. They also relied on a variation of the classic "Good Cop/Bad Cop" scenario, making it more like "Good Cop/Bad Cop/Eh-He's-Okay Cop/Dear-God-No!-Why?-WHY?!? Cop"

Oh wait. I might have spoken too soon. These guys (from L to R: Teddy, Gary, Wayne, Roger and Goob as 'The Goobster') were good at their jobs and fine musicians but they were assembled during the Nixon administration to infiltrate and report on Native American organizations, and that was all very...unfortunate. This was, to say the least, not a well thought-out plan and the less said about it, and them, the better.

Ah yes, "The Squeaky Clean Teen Machine". This was kind of a "21 Jump Street" deal, where these crimefighters relied on their unusually youthful appearances to work their way into high schools and get beat up a lot. Hard to believe that of these four (from L to R: Gary, Alana, Jimmy and Claire), Jimmy was the youngest at 35 when this picture was taken. They had a long run... maybe too long. Time caught up to them and was not kind, as seen below.

From L to R: Gary, Claire, Alana and Jimmy, who had somehow become two years older than everybody else in the band (and Jewish) when this photo was taken, by which time their ability to pass as teenagers had almost completely disappeared. Except for Claire. In adult films.

There are so many more. The fellas will fill you in later this week.

Kip By Name, Kip By Nature

So, before I start, I should just let everyone know that Kip has been found alive and well. The reason I say this at the beginning of the post is because we have had various communiques from worried female fans (who knew?) who were concerned that their favourite mail boy was in a desperate and dire situation. I'm not even kidding. Check this out:

Dear Unbelievables,

What's happened to Kip? I hope you have found that sweet boy with the angelic face. I've been so worried! He is my favourite! I've even decorated the inside of my school locker with some fabbo Kip pix so I can look at his sweet face all the time! He's dreamy (etc.etc., it goes on at some length regarding some sort of Kip-shrine, you get the idea...)
yours,
Sheena Ribeena, Kip's #1 fan

She even included a photo.

Be that as it may, we were tipped off to his location yesterday by the sound of loud snoring emanating from behind one of the filing cabinets in his mailroom. We investigated further and discovered, pulling out the filing cabinet, a secret doorway (who knew?) to his own private alcove, replete with comfy hammock, coffeemaker, alarm clock, toaster and mini-fridge, not to mention a small chest of drawers and a portable shower. In the hammock lay Kip, snoozing merrily away nineteen to the dozen. We gently woke him (well, Clark tried to shove him out of his hammock), and once he was conscious and coherent, we peppered him with questions.

Turns out that after going to Petit's gaff and rigging those retractable wheels on to the Hacktivator, he was exhausted. In that situation, he saw fit to use the secret napping house (his words, not ours) that he had made for himself behind the filing cabinet, and sleep. For days and days.

Now, you may be aware that I am the only one of the Unbelievables that is from the UK. And you may not know that in certain parts of Britain, such as the South-East where I grew up, there is a slang term for taking a nap, which is "to have a kip".

You could almost see the lightbulb go on inside my mind and shine out through my eye sockets!
"Kip," I said, incredulous, "are you of English extraction?"

"Yes," he replied. "How did you know?"

"Your parents were wise folks, naming you after your favourite pastime, eh?"

Kip said nothing, but he just fixed me with that steady gaze and I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye.

Typical Kipical

As mentioned previously, I'm not exactly Kip the Mail Boy's biggest fan. I'm not surprised in the least that he was goofing off and wandered away. So now that he's missing, I guess we have to assume he's dead. As such, it's important to move on. I think that's what Kip would want. Of course, he could still be alive and that might be the last thing he wants, in which case, who cares? Either way, hey, life is for the living.
With that in mind, let's take a look at some of the candidates we didn't have the sense to hire the last time ol' what's-his-name's position was open and see if they might still be available.

This candidate was rejected in favor of Kip? Kip?!? My goodness, what were we thinking?

Another highly more skilled and qualified than Kip applicant. I'm not sure I get the headpiece and the bouquet, but whatever.

Ohh, I get it. "Mail-order bride". Ha ha! Yes, very clever. Not what we are in the market for, though. Not at all.

This isn't wrong, really. Chain mail is mail, after all. And she certainly delivered it. I don't see why we can't work with this.

Sir, we're required by law to interview you but upon first glance, I don't see a single thing that indicates that you have anything we're looking for in terms of filling this position. Thank you so much for coming in. Get out.

Ah, perfect. When can you start? Oh, and, like, what's your name?

What?

We have to wait and determine Kip's whereabouts and stuff first, because if he's still alive, he's allowed to keep his job? Is that something that was signed when he was hired? It was? Oh. Hmm. All right. We'll keep you posted (HA HA!) on this, Ms. Perfect For The Job.

Thin Air

"Hey ... have you guys seen Kip? I was just at the mailbox and it was bursting at the seams with stuff ..."

"Nope. Funny ... not like him to leave the mail unattended ..."

"You know, come to think of it, I haven't seen him since last Thursday ..."

"Last Wednesday now that you mention it ... when we sent him on that mission during all that Petit monkey business."

Rut roh. Where was Kip, our trusty mail boy?

That settles it. I guess.

Michael has a good plan. It's effective and easy to implement.

I don't like it.

Don't get me wrong; like I said, it is a good plan. But it lacks...something.

Specifically, it lacks kicking.
And glass breaking.
And gravity imposing it's will on a mewling airborne blob.
And impact with a hard and/or abrasive surface below, followed by one of us (me) delivering a sardonic pun, quip or catchphrase like, "have a nice trip", "see you next fall" or "whoops".

But it is a good plan. I guess that's good enough. This time.

A Very Simple Revenge

Look! It's a portrait of a someone who's not such a genius after all ...

And the really funny thing about the entire Petit "takeover" is this:

You've no doubt heard the term "Revenge is a dish best served cold" ... right? Well, we've got a little revenge planned. The midgety twit won't know what to make of our latest shenanigans we've instigated to his Hacktivator monstrosity.

We enlisted Kip The Mail Boy to sneak into Petit's headquarters and install retractable rollers onto the main unit of his system along with a few "specialized modifications." The gist of it all will be the unit will unknowingly roll forward when Petit or Betsy leave the room causing the Hackivator to unplug and lose power, usually right in the middle of some important calculation or back-up maneuver.

Yep ... suddenly ... << ZONK >> ... everything simply blinks off*. How's that for genius, Petit? No viruses or other monkey business - just good, old-fashioned ingenuity.

All of us can only imagine the frustration he'll feel when he discovers what the trouble is. Because, being a minuscule, puffing little thug, Petit will have to hire someone to move equipment out of the way to eventually plug his Hacktivator back in. He's too diminutive to move it himself. And he won't know anything about the retractable rollers we had Kip put in.    
Of course, we'll activate (or "deactivate" as the case may be) our little plan over the course of the month to keep him on his toes. We even have a plan to do it during a personal call to the gravity-challenged little jerk just to hear him foster a slow burn of confused anger at the sudden shutdown of his pride and joy. We can hardly wait.

He might have hacked our blog for a few days but knowing he'll be pulling his hair out soon enough was worth the trouble.

But I'll give Petit credit where credit is due: He racked up some pretty good scores in Minesweeper that will keep me occupied during my down time ...

*Those back-up batteries Petit crowed about last week? Kip informed us they were fake props just for show. Petit has exactly zero emergency plans in the event of any power outages. 

Hacked Off

Hi folks. Glad to be back! As you may have noticed last week, the blog was "hacked" by that pestilent pipe-smoking toddler Henri Petit.

Or so he thought.

He couldn't have been more wrong. 

We had been monitoring his attempts to wrest control of our systems from our grip and decided - what the hell, let's let him. We could use a week off and besides, we made sure that he couldn't get into any of the important stuff. How, you ask? Well, we don't put any of the important stuff on computer - that's just asking for trouble in this day and age. No, we rely on the old-fashioned ways to store all of our secret dossiers, files, tax returns, receipts, coupons clipped from the newspaper etc.

The UnbelievaOrganizer.

Plus, we have Gerta, our UnbelievaBabe secretary, to help find files when they go astray.

See, the mistake Petit made was thinking that we were all hi-tech and had everything backed up on state-of-the-art computers. Well, that's exactly what we wanted him to think. Truth is, while he was bragging, gloating and generally givin' it large on the blog about how clever he was and how dumb we are, he was secretly cursing the fact that all he could do was write blog posts and play games. There was nothing else for him to hack into. And by the time his silly hacking machine had given up and our computer had booted him out of the system, all he had actually achieved was to beat Michael's highscore on Minesweeper. But don't worry. that'll soon be rectified, too.

So you'll be glad to know that here at the Unbelievabase, things are back to (relatively) normal.

Don't ask.