Some pumpkin-spiced party advice

Hi folks! Halloween is right around the corner and no doubt you're all knee-deep in party planning. But in between preparing the candied meatballs, the haunted weenies-on-a-stick and the bobbing-for-chili tub, is there anything you might have forgotten? Hmmmm....?

"Oh my God! I forgot to prepare a Halloween costume!"

Yeah, you did! Silly! Ha ha! It's okay, though. We're here to help and that's exactly what we're going to do. I'll start us off but my colleagues will be chiming in later this week so tune in often and bring friends!

It's not the very-early-prototype Michelin Men costumes you should be admiring here (although those are nice!) but rather the folks in the background. That's right, get a bunch of friends together and go trick-or-treating as a Creepy, Blank-Eyed Mob!

There's nothing funnier than a human-esque body with a disproportionately sized head. Be it too large or too small, people love it when body parts don't quite line up. Go big and put yourself out there as a Mardi Gras character. Or shrink it and go as whatever that would be. I don't know and I don't really care.

You can be original or you can follow a wildly popular trend. Of course, you'll see this one a lot. It's Mr. and Mrs. Telephonehead from "The Mr. and Mrs. Telephonehead Show". Sample dialogue from that show:

MR. TELEPHONEHEAD: Hey, did you call me?
MRS. TELEPHONEHEAD: Of course I did. I have a telephone on my head. I call you all day long.
MR. TELEPHONEHEAD: Oh yeah. I forgot.
MRS. TELEPHONEHEAD: Oh, you ding-a-ling!

"Oh, you ding-a-ling" is the most popular catchphrase in the history of television.

Ladies, I know you're fed up to here with the pressure to come up with some "sexy" costume. I understand. That's a lot of unnecessary sexism. Look at these Hoochie Mamas, just puttin' it out there. Gross, right? Don't cave in to that mindset!

Just dial back the sexiness! Be whatever you want but just cover up a little. Leave something up to the imagination. Take a peek at these Witches on their way to a party. They look... nice. I'll bet they're going to have... fun. Sure. Sure they are.

When it comes to children, obviously sexy costumes are completely inappropriate. I don't know that substituting Hatred for sexiness is the best idea though.

If you really get stuck for an idea, just go out in the garage, find what you can and go nuts on it with scissors and glue, put Whatever You End Up With on your head and get a stick. If people don't get it, that's their problem. You're wearing a leotard, this is your date and you're going to be blind drunk in less than an hour. Clearly you don't care what anybody thinks. Which is exactly as it should be.