Cookies And Straws

You've seen a few examples of the devious cheaters who have attempted to pull fast ones without giving us our due: NBC's Grimm (who's still attempting!) and the Magnum P.I.

I'm here to lay out a couple interesting items in the same vein, but with little twists attached.

The first is an organization you know well: The Girl Scouts. 

Do you know the vaunted mission statement of The Girl Scouts? 

"Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character
who make the world a better place."

Don't be fooled ...

Seems upstanding enough ... doesn't it?

But ... did you know they also steal cookie recipes?  Of course you didn't.

That's right folks: 3.2 million Girl Scouts in more than 92 countries worldwide with nefarious intentions and clandestine methodologies ... some of which aren't so "upstanding."

What to do? Quite frankly, there's nothing anyone can do ... not even The Unbelievables. The paper trail we've personally run down is so vast and convoluted it appears impossible to overcome let alone get to the end of. 

 

They certainly look innocent ... don't they?

We happen to know at one point in their history they brazenly kyped the recipe for Do-Si-Dos in order to profit from it and make this cookie the popular item its become simply for the Scouts' own benefit!

The Scouts? How 'bout The Scoundrels! 

But again: What to do? Are you going to point fingers, embroiling yourself in a war you can't possibly win? A war that brings joy every cookie season to millions upon millions of Average Joes who want nothing more than the taste treat that is a Girl Scout (*ahem*) Do-Si-Do? Do you put the kybosh on all those funds rushing into The Scouts' coffers, benefiting not only their organization but other worthy causes they contribute to?

Exactly. No, you don't. To do so would make anyone look like the bad guy in all this. So ... we really don't have a choice. 

No one is actively crying out for the heads of The Girl Scouts (thank goodness!). But then ... no one really knows what we do about them. So ... it seems best to simply let well enough alone. Perhaps one day the truth will out. But for now? We'll just let sleeping dogs lie.

Another item is something near and dear to my heart because I was the one who originally came up with it, developed it, promoted it, marketed it ... and then had practically ripped out from under me without warning and unceremoniously.

Have you ever heard of ...

... The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw?

I already know the answer: No. Of course you haven't. That's because, long ago, I put together one of the most amazing and revolutionary products ever to simultaneously aid in youthful zest and while contributing to teen hormone suppression the world has ever seen. (Completely non-medicated, mind you.)

The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw ... yes sir. 

It's a straw, similar to most you've seen out there when you frequent your favorite local fast food establishment or when you meander down the aisle of a grocer's and eye-spy straws tucked in with the cupcake liners and maraschino cherries. But my straw - The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw - is quite different and unique.

 

 

Patented bendy action

My straw contains that little bendy, accordian-like elbow at one end. It's original, innovative design isn't just to aid in sipping your favorite beverage ... oh, no, no, no ...

That bendy elbow will commandeer hours of fun and frolickry, not to mention a safe and sane evening of enjoyment for those hyped up and hormone-enraged teens out there in Anytown, USA. Because of that little bendy elbow for example, one is able to blow in his/her own ear and give him/herself a hicky without hitting on a member of the opposite sex. Yes, with The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw parents can rest easy and head out for the evening confident their little Tom or Tina is safe and secure at home, yet still able to entertain themselves and get their jollies ... without "getting in trouble" so to speak. 

And those straws? Well ... they're hermetically sealed in their own individual wrappers, completely sanitary. 

So ... rest confident, parents of teens, knowing I've provided you a service like no other.

Sealed for everyone's protection

So, what's the rub? Well ... quite some time ago in the 1970s a big industrial conglomerate caught wind of my unique straw and tried ripping off my idea. Little did they know I had (shall we say) "an ally" on my side to assist in warding off their "advances." (For confidentiality, I'm not at liberty to mention who or what said "ally" by name, but they may have been mentioned in previous posting(s).)

And that's a good thing. Because the bottom line is: The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw is still out there, be it for beverage drinking or hickey embellishment and (usually) free of charge to you. Plus you'll note every time you happen to happen on one of my straws there isn't any sort of name, company logo or trademark on the wrapper. It's best it stays that way, anonymous and unencumbered, generic and ready for public use. The bad guys have tried otherwise in order to hock it for profit, but my sources have nipped their money-grubbing ways in the bud each and every time.

See? Not all things need end in hurtful feelings and un-neighborly shoulder-shoving. There's still good out there in the big, bad world ...

Letters ... We Get (Strange) Letters

What to do ... what to do ...

I'm pretty certain I've mentioned this before ... but just in case:

When the mailbag gets a bit stuffed, we draw straws to determine the "pick" order of what's inside.

Which, when you think about it, doesn't make too much sense. Because the letters we receive are usually inside envelopes. And we don't know what's inside them. On occasion however people send us postcards so we can spy immediately what a fan (or, sometimes, a foe) might be asking of us.

"Still, Michael ... you just get first pick if you draw the long straw. You still don't know what a letter says ..." you might say.

Well, ho-HO! That's where you would be wrong. We pour out all the letters onto the grand Unbelieva-Coffee Table in our sitting room and first scan for those nifty postcards. << BOOM >> Then we open the letters and read them. THEN we draw straws. Long straw first, short straw last. See how that works?

We enjoy this immensely; it's an evening's entertainment, cheap and easy. We don't have to go out. (Or wear pants.) And oh ... the comments that get passed to and fro between us letter to letter!

Anyway, it was I who drew the short straw, i.e. the last pick. These were the "gems" I was forced to bear ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

I noticed the other morning while I was getting cream for my coffee my water filter has met its expiration date. I know this because I date my water filters so I remember when they're installed. In this case, as you can see, I haven't changed this one in a year. (I replace them at the beginning the month when I change them.)

I've seen a lot of news lately about expiration dates, many people (experts?) noting the dates themselves are only "suggestions" and that you really don't have to swear by them. So here's my question: Do I replace it? Or let it ride out a while?

Yours In Anticipation, Perplexed Patty"

Seriously ... I don't know how The Unbelievables came to be known as authorities on water filters or expiration dates, but I decided to give it a whirl anywho ... despite the fact Jeff and Clark were laughing at the note and at the fact I'd gotten it assigned to me.

So ...

"Patty:

Here's what we'd do: Bake a cake, put a single candle on it, hold it in front of you while you open the fridge and sing a rousing chorus of 'Happy Birthday' to that year-old filter. Then? Promptly change it. Unfiltered (or old filtered) water isn't something you want to fool with in this day and age. (All you have to do is read about Flint, Michigan and their water dilemma.)

Good luck, Michael"

And another ...

"UnbelievaGuys:

I've come to trust your authority on all things, no matter what. The advice I've gotten from you has been topic-varied (changing things up is good!) and useful in the extreme. So what's the final word on toilet paper and how it should be installed in the hanger and whether or not to keep the toilet seat lid up or down?

I'm an "under" dude when it comes to the paper and a "lid open so I don't wee on it in the middle of the night" professor.

Talk to me. Your words are gospel.

James"

Haven't we been through the answers on these items time and again? I know we've posted about toilet paper and its proper orientation in the loo previously. *sigh*

"James:

The genius patent holder of toilet paper makes it clear. See original illustration:

And ... if you have any questions about whether or not to leave the lid open, there's a program out there with Mike (Dirty Jobs) Rowe I can't locate that discusses various preventative measures to keep germs at a minimum. In it, Mike subjects himself to all sorts of stuff: A woman sneezes on him and analysts examine the spewage for disease and the like, he probes into the differences in cleanliness of dog slobber vs. human slobber and, more to the point, the "spray area" of an opened toilet when flushed is scrutinized. Trust me ... you will not only be horrified by the results you'll be scared into doing right thing.

Plus, you know ... stop being lazy.

Don't Write Us Again, Please ... Michael"

Yep. Even our off-the-clock activities can be trying sometimes.

Let's see what Clark has in store for Friday ...

Clown Duty

"The guys will detail some other characters we're keeping an eye on later this week" Clark noted Monday.

In the course of determination what possible bad turns other circus performers might succumb to, I drew the short straw in this reconnaissance mission.

Yep ... I got freakin' clown duty. 

Now, it's not secret: I hate clowns. They're creepy. No matter what they try to do no performance of theirs is jolly and entertaining. All that make-up? They're hiding something, believe me. And they smell. I mean they smell bad.

So it was with an impending dread I reluctantly accepted my fate and got down to the business of clown surveillance.

To do the necessary spy work on these paint by numbers freaks, all I have to say is I'm thankful for the miniature drones we have in our Unbelievable arsenal. I can keep tabs on them without getting up close and personal. A week's scrutiny of these buffoons and this is what I know:

Listening in on the conversations of these performers, they love the past, the history of their craft ... which is something to be wary of first and foremost. I mean ... take a look at some of their predecessors and tell me they don't harbor some hidden agenda:

No matter how you look at the situation, clowns aren't cute:

One clown? Frightening enough. Get three in front of you and, I don't care who you are, the hackles on the back of your neck raise to uncanny heights:

Trust me on this: No make-up in the world is going to hide facial hair and make a clown look anything but devious ...

At any time? Clowns' temperaments can go from happy to "Kill! Kill! Kill!" at the drop of one of their funny hats:

Now, granted ... I haven't garnered much intelligence on these Bozos. (I mean ... they're clowns. They're not all that intelligent to begin with.) But there's something about them, something underlying, just beneath the surface, that's ready to blossom at the hint of a catalyst. Clark was right when he said "nothing good comes from circus performers having too much time and too little earning potential on their hands."

And the diffusing of the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus just might be that catalyst.

Nothing viable has turned up. Yet. But rest assured we continue to monitor the situation. Because, if there is anything remotely resembling a revolt or some such, you can bet your bottom dollar clowns will be leading the way ...

The End Of Kip The Mail Boy, Part 1

"WHAT?! You don't mean ... !?!"

I was about to exclaim something but was distracted by Clark cocking a couple firearms to dispose of Kip once and for all. His "Who says I didn't?" comment, shot at us way too coolly and confidently, was obviously the last straw.

And if you know anything about Clark you know he has an extremely short tolerance toward Kip.

Apparently that tolerance just got cut in half courtesy of our little exchange with Kip. It was the perfect excuse for Clark to "take action" on our (previously loyal) Mail Boy once and for all.

"Clark, cool it. You can't do that. WE don't do that. Hold on a moment ..." I urged, then turned back to Kip. 

"Look ... this charade has gone on long enough. There's no possible way, without our help, you could ever pull off a convincing about face and gain the trust of our opponents so easily. Our female opposition wouldn't tolerate you - they'd pulverize you in a hot minute. As it is The Unbelieva-Babes barely put up with you ... or so I've heard. And posing as someone you're not? It doesn't add up. Spill it, Kip. The truth. Right now. Because Clark's trigger finger is itching ... and I'm not sure Jeff and I can contain him this time."

Look at that baby face: This ... THIS is the face of defiance?

Kip The Mail Boy is now The Unbelievables' enemy?!?

Ulf The Unbelieveadog yipped and growled ominously while Jeff held him at bay. Clark just fumed ...

... and that's when Kip crossed his arms and sneered.

I couldn't believe it. None of us could. He'd never done that before.

Sure, Kip was sharp, even witty sometimes ... but defiant? Never.

What happened to the Kip we knew and loved? The good kid? The "unofficial spokesman" for The Unbelievables, loyal through and through? Upstanding to the last?

I sighed. I looked at Jeff, who shrugged. I looked at Clark. I could practically see the bit he was champing on.

"Clark? He's all yours ..."

The Unbelievables Are Micro-Fiber Reinforced

Let it be said right here and right now:
Bill "Superfoot" Wallace doesn't have anything on The Unbelievables

Clark's right. The clothes we wear are all-encompassing. Careful thought has been put into everything, whether it's that chapeau atop our heads, the color of our cardigans or the (sometimes) steel-fortified tips of our shoes. When we're on the job, it's not just about looking good. The anticipation of danger and the safety of our persons are paramount as well.

I have to say: The kevlar micro-fiber reinforced DiamondCrotch® technology woven into our Kickin' Jeans has come in handy on more than a occasions. And not just because of dealings with dastardly villains we've come across in our travails. ("Hello, ladies!") Possible "trouble" could lurk around any corner ... and not necessarily from an intended threat. Enthusiastic aficionados of The Unbelievables have given us a run for our money as well, a burden we bear gladly.

But ... about the jeans. We need them for a myriad of situations, haute couture being one of the most important, you understand. Blue jeans are one of the most versatile pieces of clothing in the crime fighting arena. Pockets capable of alteration to house a bevy of weapons and more ... leg protection from sliding down a roof or shimmying over the hood of a hot car ... and seriously: Where would he keep our utility belts (if, in fact and indeed, we use utility belts) if not for the waist of our jeans? They do all of this and more.

But it was the innovation of kevlar micro-fiber reinforced DiamondCrotch® technology that really had us sold on Kickin' Jeans. 

One day, while Jeff was frequenting a local ice cream truck that made its daily rounds in the neighborhood, he ticked off a little boy. Apparently, Jeff beat him to the punch and purchased the very last Bomb Pop from the vendor. << WHOOMP! >> Jeff got kneed in the 'nads by the little tyke. (Side Note: That kid was serious about his Bomb Pops. He would later grow up to become a minor nemesis in the annals of The Unbelievables, hell bent on revenge because of Jeff. Known as "Pistachio Nut," we'll tell you about him later in "The Case Of The Ice Cream Sunday Snub" ...) It was then Jeff realized we really needed to come up with something to protect the family jewels ... from angry kids and ne'er-do-wells alike. Discussing his unfortunate ice cream incident, I informed the guys I just so happened to know a spiffy haberdasher by the name of Jax Loominary who did wonders with all sorts of clothing - he might just be the right person for the job. Voila! DiamondCrotch® ... !!! 

Jax tested the technology for weeks on end until he was ready for us to give it a whirl. Much to his chagrin, it was Jeff who drew the short straw and got the unenviable task of being on the receiving end of the experiment. But really ... who better to evaluate the product than Jeff himself? Clark couldn't stomach the test. Besides, as noted previously, he had a women's self defense class to teach. So ... with a pair of altered Kickin' Jeans firmly cinched, I surprised Jeff by walking away from him, twirling and giving him a round-house kick to Mr. Happy. The result? As mentioned and as evidence from the picture at right, Jeff's jewels were safe and sound. Jax had done another outstanding service for us in our ever-vigilant efforts to fight injustice world-wide.

As for our distinctive martial arts methods known as Unbelieva-Fu (or more commonly referred to as "U-Fu"), we'll touch on that more as our adventures unfold.  I'm sure Jeff will elaborate on those further. 

P.S. Clark? Brilliant innovator that he is, I'll let you in on a little secret: Unbelieva-BackOffMister (or "U-Bom(b)") was never officially a part of the official "U-Fu" discipline. At the start, it was Clark's attempt at devising a clever way to capitalize on endearing himself to the fair sex. ("Hello, ladies!") Thus "U-Bom(b)" was born. (He's such a rascal, that Clark!) And it's still going strong today thanks to your local Y. Pow!

But, because of that little aside, we're proud of the 18,000+ variations of U-Fu, including Unbelieva-Two ("U-2"), Unbelieva-Time ("U-Can'tTouchThis"), the head-turning Unbelieva-180 ("U-Turn") and several of our special holiday methods and practices, Unbelieva-Yules (encompassing "U-BetterWatchOut," "U-GotOneMoreComin'," "U-WantSomeEggnog?" and the ever-popular "Hey, You! Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town!").

All things we'll note at a later date ...

Men Of Action, That's Who The Unbelievables Are

"Jeff and Michael have their own pet projects that have yet to yield completely satisfactory results."

That Clark.

You've got to love the guy ... but sometimes he's just plain wrong. (He can also get overloaded with some pretty jealous snits on occasion. You know how possessive and over the top he is about his Corvette.)

As I was saying ... in the example of his quotation above from earlier this week, it's simply false. (Well ... mostly.)

I'll admit: My idea about Franco-American Spaghetti some time ago didn't exactly fly ...

... but give me credit where credit is due. At least I gave it the old college try.

And ... hello! Did each of you (Clark included) completely forget about The Michael Noble Good Time Whoopie Straw with its patented bendie action and sanitary hermetical seal for your protection? Not to mention its ability to provide safe and sane enjoyment anytime, anywhere. I'd say that was a pretty damned nifty invention for the time ... and still going strong today, I might add.

Yes, yes ... some of my other ideas didn't go over too well ... or even get off the ground for that matter.

But I'm not here to mull over failures and coulda/shouda/wouldas.

Instead, let's focus a moment on one of The Unbelievables' most amazing inventions, one in which we all had a hand. (And more!)

Of course I'm talking about this: 

Yep ... the #207 Briefwear Brief Zip with zippered front! Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway):

These! Briefs! Sold! By! The! Boatload!

It was one of our greatest merchandising successes! And one of the coolest marketing ideas we ever came up with was employed exclusively with this product:

We offered them for a strictly limited time. You had to buy them chop-chop because, at any moment, they could be gone, daddy gone.

And, just for fun, every once in a while we'd bring them back for a couple weeks to tantalize our adoring public (you know ... Christmastime, Labor Day, that sort of thing) ... and then, just as quickly, << WHISK! >> they were gone once again.

That's what made them the popular, much-sought-after item the dapper gent had to have. And at $3.99 they were a bargain. 

As mentioned, we all had input on the design, marketing and distribution campaigns for these babies. I came up with the zippered front innovation, Clark was instrumental in suggesting they double as swim trunks and Jeff came up with the fantastic idea to add the "Word Of Warning" in the ad copy. Brilliant! (We're still are at odds as to which of us was used for the physique illustration in the ad. Realistically, it has elements of each of us. The truth may never be known ...)

Bottom line? Fashion: It's one of our middle names. Boom.

The Testing Must Go On

Product testing.

You wouldn't believe some of the things we've been asked to test. And test. And test.

Again. And again. And again.

Regardless, product testing has come to be an attractive aside (and, in some cases, lucrative side business) for The Unbelievables. And it can be a pleasant little distraction from busting bad guys.

Here are a few of the many things we've been involved with ... some of which are downright head scratching ...

Jan Jankowitz of Needles, CA requested our assistance in promoting "water fountains to deter Jehovah's Witnesses" from soliciting. Simply put, he asked us to field test said fountains placed in positions as seen the photo below. Set where they were in the direct path of the doorway, they caused solicitors somewhat of a dilemma on their way to enlighten residences. Mr. Jankowitz' arguments were that if the sheer physicality of the fountain didn't deter you, the soothing trickle of water coming from it would certainly do the trick. Result? A big, fat fail:

It's not always about location, location, location.

 

Here we have "Red-SAM" - an acronym for "Redirected Self-Awareness Module" - a new-age self-contained, portable sensory deprivation system developed by some two-bit start-up company out of Georgia. Much to our surprise, this thing actually worked ... on Jeff. He was the testing guinea pig (meaning ... he drew the short straw so he won the privilege of donning the thing). Unfortunately he got stuck while trying it out. To be fair, the only thing it did was panic him when it was time to remove it ... thereby causing him to "forget" it was Whipped Potato Tuesday. So ... it "worked" ... but it didn't ...

Yeah ... you've seen this previously.

Now you know where it came from - testing.

The "Sawing For Teens" campaign was a complete wash when we were approached by a fund raising organization looking to make some quick dough for several youth clubs. We didn't even go through the motions when this one was explained to us - there was just too much room for error.

We got a letter one summer asking if we might be willing to fund some "creative underground water piping" project and this, as well, was given the kibosh. You can see why from the photo below:

Look: Who doesn't like voodoo dolls? We were practically collecting them at one point when Jaques Lu Roux contacted us out of the blue via telephone one day. As far as we could tell they worked. You have to admit, they were cuter than cute:

Cute didn't translate too well to the "Hurricane Simulator" Casper Cane, LLC wanted to install in malls and other public areas. As you can see from the pacifiered tot, it was doomed to failure. (Though, the local psychiatric facility got a new customer ...)

What could possibly go wrong?

... nor did "Mysticismical Gods of Old" either. This monkey business utilized a skylight "pyramid" with Aztec gods painted on opposing walls who would channel ancient powers to those who stood beneath them. Complete sham.
 

Not so with the "Love Is All You Need" campaign, however. This one was right in our wheelhouse: Simply distribute hand-printed cards to random passing unsuspecting ladies (Hello, Ladies!) and, once they read the card, they broke out in huge smiles (and sometimes hugs!) for the remainder of the day. A very worthy and charitable endeavor to be sure.

 
Then there was the "I Do Dumb Things" clothing line. We experimented in a statewide marketing campaign to see how effective handing shirts out for free to the crowds worked. Pretty well, in fact. "Wearing is Believing" was the line's motto ... and once that shirt was put on, it's all she wrote.

Jeff has more favorable (and floundering) tales to be told about some of our sideline testing ventures. They'll be coming to you Friday.

Stay tuned ...