The Mysterious Mystery of Mysteriousness (finale) ...

What happened? You know what happened!
Well, you don't. But Jeff and Michael know full and well what happened.
A whirlwind romance, the kind that they used to write epic songs about, is what happened.

I serenaded her...

We danced until dawn...

We traveled the world together as adventurous explorers and even more adventurous lovers (second base several times). From Paris...

To Tokyo...

And even Detroit.

Yes, I have to admit we made for quite a couple!

We were wrapping up our global jaunt when I woke up one morning to find my little Oleander Blossom looking melancholy. "What's wrong, my little Cornflower Crayon?", I asked, using one of about a million adorable nicknames I had for her. "Oh Clark (she wasn't nearly as good as I was at nicknames), I've had the most wonderful time on this trip, but I'm afraid I've kept a terrible secret from you and it's breaking my heart." "What is it, my Shrimp Scampi?" "I'm afraid...there is another."
My blood ran cold, my heart breaking into four equally-sized pieces. "Who is he?", I asked, against my better judgment. She brightened and said, "He's wonderful! So intelligent! He's extremely youthful looking and not very tall. He smokes, which is a nasty habit, but he does it with such style and grace that I don't even mind." The four pieces of my heart exploded into several thousand pieces of indeterminable shapes and sizes. "What's his name?", I hissed between clenched teeth. "It's Henry, but he pronounces it funny, like in a European way. Like, On-ree".

THIS motherf...

The scattered, shattered and covered pieces of my heart came together like the individual members of the Ohio State University marching band during a college football halftime show to form a giant foot kicking a baby through a window.

Oh Jessie, Jessie, Jessie

Not him. Not the vile, despicable, ugly, stupid, infant villain Henri Petit! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Yes. Him.

I proceeded to jump overboard and swam however man miles it was to shore. From there, I returned to the sides of my comrades Jeff and Michael a broken and bitter, no-longer-young-man, man. A man ready to dedicate his life to helping his loyal chums stylishly kicking butt... and taking revenge against a certain chain-smoking little blob of yuck.

The Mysterious Mystery of Mysteriousness (continued) ...

Jeff's right: The cars? Alfred Hitchcock And The Three Investigators in The Mystery Of The Nervous Lion? They don't have anything to do with the mystery I'm about to reveal here.

And wow. I haven't thought about it in ages. So I'm glad Jeff brought it up.

Those kids? Cousins the lot of them, they were good friends of ours back in the day. From left to right:

• Conrad "Chip" Chipster, Chester High School's science fiction Club president and good guy
• Howie Stratham, all-around athlete and much swooned over looker just about every girl wanted to go to prom with
• Marie Chadlowskivich - one of the loves of my youth. (But that's an entirely different story ...)

All of us - Jeff, Clark, Chip, Howie, Marie and myself - were tight. We got along swimmingly, went to the movies together, hung out at the video exchange plunking our quarters into PacMan and Space Invaders and other video machines while sipping sodas and munching on Hunt's Snack Pack puddings. (Chip was the only one who liked the butterscotch flavor ... worst flavor ever.) As a rule we generally had nothing but good times while in our little group. There was nothing necessarily remarkable about our times together ...

... until one day, smack dab in the middle of a rousing game of Asteroids, Clark spotted Jessie Flowers:

It was as if he'd been struck by a lightning bolt. He went slack-jawed at the sight of her and you could see him become visibly nervous and excited at the same time. He couldn't do anything but stare at Jessie.

"Do you see that girl?" Clark asked me as his eyes followed her across the room. I was the closest one to him but I was otherwise engaged.

"Hello! In the middle of kicking your ass on Asteroids here ..." I responded.

"Those deep, mysterious eyes ... that carefree hair ... and that almost-but-not-quite smile on her lips. I have to get to the bottom of the mystery of this girl. Don't save my spot in line at the pinball machine. I could be a while ..."

Jeff and the others watched him saunter off in her direction, his Hunt's Snack Pack left barely touched on a table nearby. (Snack Packs were never left unfinished; this was one of the main reasons we knew Clark was hopelessly struck by this girl.)

And that fateful day was the last we saw of Clark for almost two weeks. The next time Jeff and I encountered him it was as if he was straight out of the film The Time Machine. He appeared exactly as if he were Rod Taylor when he came back from his time-travelling adventure, exhausted, clothes in rags, filthy and barely able to speak or make sense.

What happened? Clark can tell it best from here ...

The Mysterious Mystery of Mysteriousness

It all started when we all went out and bought new cars. We all plumped for the same one - the '71 Matra Laser by Michelotti. You gotta admit, this is one sweet ride.

Michael also purchased a Calypso green Ford Falcon XA GT-HO Phase 4, too. Just for running to the store, he said.

We'd also recently completed reading the book Alfred Hitchcock and The three Investigators in The Mystery Of The Nervous Lion. All three of us. We read it to each other in turn, over the course of three nights, by candlelight. Wait, what? You DON'T do that?!

Whether any of those factors have anything to do with what happened next, I'm not sure. It could have been coincidence.

But what did happen next? Well, I'll let the others finish telling the story, as I like to keep you all in suspenders. What I can tell you is it involves our chance meeting with these people...

and the consumption of some yummy comestibles...

Tee Time - No Deal

So yes, we are T-shirt salesmen. And not for the first time. Back in the day (when we used to hang out with Sheila Ferguson on a regular basis) we had a boutique of which we were co-owners - the renowned Flatfoot Jimmy's.

Good job we changed the name from its previous incarnation.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We used to have a great line in T-shirts.

Of course, Michael had to have his way when it came to choosing stock.

It wasn't Michael's taste in shorts that finally sealed the fate of Flatfoot Jimmy's, however. Nope, the reason we were forced to shut our doors was the stiff competition we faced from notorious Just For Men user Noel Edmonds. He launched a fab line of teenage tops that blew us out of the water.

Such keen prices and groovy styling! No wonder he called them Lazer!!

Utilizing the Kays catalog, he didn't even need a storefront. The world was his storefront. Soon, hip kids and hep cats everyplace were wearing Lazer, and nobody came to Flatfoot Jimmy's anymore.

Still, we're not bitter about it. We have  hundred and one projects on the go at any given moment, so, we didn't mind. and we got justice served to Noel Edmonds in the end.

Yes, it was us who convinced Mr. Lazer Shirts to go on TV to host Deal Or No Deal with beard hair and hair on his head that not only don't match,  they bear no relation to his original hair colour. See?

1976 Noel.

2014 Noel. What a twonk.

Ah, sweet, sweet revenge.

By the way, if you want to buy our shirts (you know you do), click this link.

I'll be back tomorrow with more adventures. Until then... ciao!

Comfort ... And Style

Jeff came running into the opulent lounge of the Unbelieva-Base one afternoon bursting with exuberance:

"Guys! Guys! Guys! Great idea here! We're now selling Tees!"

Clark and I looked at each other, puzzled. I could tell Clark's mind was spinning with different ideas and I'm certain he could tell mine was doing precisely the same.

"Tease?" Clark asked.

"Yup! Tees! Great idea, don't you think?"

"Ts?" I asked.

"Exactly! It'll be great!"

Clark and I exchanged looks once again."You know ... he might have something there," Clark admitted, stroking his chin. "Let's go out to the garage for a minute ..."

The three of us headed down the hallway to the garage exit. Once there, Clark opened a cabinet, took out a bunnet and cravat, put them both on and leaned against his Corvette with his arms and legs casually crossed, completing the look with a raised eyebrow.

"You're right, Jeff. Nothing garners the attention of the ladies ("Hello, Ladies!") like a good tease ..."

Not exactly what Clark looked like leaning against his Corvette ...

... but you get the picture.

Jeff countered "No, no, no. Tees ... I mean tees ... !!!"

"Oh! I gotcha, Chief!" I ran out of the room and came back lickety-split in a tailored pair of trousers, a fitted long-sleeved shirt and jacket. I was in my disco best. "Tah-dah! I'm dressed to a 'T' ... though you know I prefer pantlessness. Still, I know what turns heads!" I exclaimed.

Put them all together and  << BOOM >>  it's me.

Jeff sighed and shook his head at the floor. "Wrong! I mean Tees as in T-shirts! We've got a golden opportunity to cater to the average Joe and Joette and T-shirts emblazoned with our likeness, calling out The Unbelievables, is just the ticket! Those kinds of Tees ..."

"Yeah ... that'll work" Clark said at the exact same time I did. 

Jeff beamed ...

"The Unbelievables on a T-shirt ... just for me?"

Yep. Get yours today right here. You're welcome. 

Unbelievaclothiers

Being the stylish gents that we are, it's only natural that we would dabble in clothing design from time to time. Usually, it's at the request of an equally stylish celebrity, head of state or other person of influence.

Often, it's an extravagant piece of jewelry...

Perhaps some evening wear...

Maybe something for a formal occasion...

Or even intimate situations...

But until now, we haven't designed anything for the average Joe or Joette. Well, that changes now! Presenting the Unbelieva-T!

I can't say George Clooney has one. But he wants two of them.

That's right! An all-purpose classic t-shirt, perfect for anybody and absolutely ANY occasion! As it says in the catalog:

"Now you can show your allegiance to your favourite butt-kicking stylish crimefighters The Unbelievables with these high quality tees - just perfect for lounging by the pool, staking out the local donut shop, making a batch of whipped potatoes - or even when attending an all-day Unbelievinar on the importance of lapels."

For the unbelievably low, low price of just $18 for fellas and $21 for ladies, these sexy tee's are available in Jeff black, Michael green, Clark purple, Marissa pink and Doo-doo brown (as shown) in sizes up to 4X. And they look absolutely fantastic crumpled on someone's bedroom floor.
Get yours today RIGHT HERE!!