The U Filephiles

We're used to having fans.
Naturally.
They're loyal, they're enthusiastic, and they're everywhere.

Look very carefully at this photo; zoom in and enhance

But we also have diverse subsets of fans, those who are devoted to niche aspects of what we do and how we do it. In this case, they are the U Filephiles. This is an especially fervent sector of fans and their interest is... intense. Often, they're on the scene before we even get there! That's because they're not only keeping track of our actions via various intenet chat sites and bulletin boards, but also all the sites devoted to the "paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial" activity being reported around the globe. Their support is appreciated but it also makes it difficult to do our jobs sometimes. And sometimes, these fans get themselves into trouble.

Tulsa, Oklahoma - Ladies, please. Step back so we can see what's happening here.

Berrien Springs, Michigan - Hi. Nice to see you all. Please, we need to set up our equipment.

Alice Springs, Australia - Okay, you're standing in the middle of the road. Someone is going to get...

Oh dear. Oh no. That's unfortunate. Hoo boy. Medic...maybe? No. Never mind, probably. Darn. Gonna need to do some extra paperwork and clean-up now.

Well, I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today. I mean, we didn't. We already knew that getting too close to a UFO could mean getting spritzed with a laser weapon and being turned into a skeleton. You learned something. Hopefully.

Be a fan, but BeWare!

Not so U-File ...

Jeff note Monday: 

"We solve cases and kick butts. That's our main function. But every now and again we are asked to deal with stuff that's more paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial ..."

True. To the extent we did have to set up a hotline to field those U-File requests. 

And, naturally, quite a few calls of the shenanigan variety intermingled with "legitimate" calls as you can well imagine. Kip and Ulf get a kick out of passing some of the stranger ones our way, making the tedium of sifting through those U File calls a little less dreary. (Well ... for Kip at any rate. Ulf doesn't really take any notes on what comes in.) Here ... see for yourself:

Unbelievables:

Oprah! She's an extra-terrestrial ... right? She's gotta be! Her "mind control" abilities run rampant when she congregates an audience! Folks'll buy her books at her mere mention! Didn't she do that Weight Watchers gig? Any idea how much money that company made off her and her supernatural power to sway people on over? Couldn't we wrangle her into doing some good for a change, you know ... like transfix the likes of North Korea's Kim Jong Un or The Kardashians and the like and obliterate them from the planet? Look into that, will you?

- Jed Perkins, Fallow, Tennessee

Sorry, Jed. Oprah's here to stay. Nothing we can do about her.

And there's nothing we can make her do, either.

Hey, Unbelievables:

That Unicorn Frumpaccino from Starbucks ... alien technology, amiright? All that sugar and empty calories renders partakers brain-numbed and subject to coercion. It must be stopped! Just do it!

- Sedgewick "Sedge" Jablowskivich, Capertown, Georgia

Yeah ... that ended this past Sunday, Sedge.

We didn't have anything to do with it but ... you're welcome.

Dudes of Unbelief:

The 1960s: They weren't fake. They were real. But they inspired some pretty funky goings on the verged on the magical, you have to admit. If they were to reappear, it wouldn't be "good for business" if you catch my meaning. Don't let the 60s back into today! 

- Duncan Canterbury, Fallon, Nevada

We won't Duncan ... we won't. (All of us rolled our eyes at this request.)

The U Files

Over the years, we've received more than our fair share of mail asking us to get involved in stuff that's, well, a little outside our remit. We're crimefighters, primarily. We solve cases and kick butts. That's our main function. But every now and again we are asked to deal with stuff that's more paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial, to quote Robert Stack. Ghosts, freaky goings-on, aliens, Martians, UFOs and the like.


Now, we've never had much time for this sort of mumbo-jumbo Arthur C. Clarke malarkey. In fact, we've often pooh-poohed it. We refuse to be drawn in. But now that it's come to light that Yvette Fielding and her camera crew from Ghost Hunters have actually filmed a credible ghostly shape after 15 years of trying, we are a bit less likely to pooh-pooh you.

Yvette on the left, ghostly shape on the right.

Also, since recent findings from NASA probes have shown that there are other planets and moons out there that likely capable of supporting life, we don't dismiss the idea of aliens so readily. Especially if they look like this.

Hello, alien ladies!

As a result, we've set up our own alien/paranormal hotline so that these sort of requests and queries can be dealt with properly. The hotline is manned 24/7 by Kip the Mail Boy and Ulf the Unbelievadog, and so far they have fielded quite a few questions. Here are a couple samples.

Dear Unbelievables, 
                  Here's a snap I shot out the window of a moving train somewhere between Tahlequah, OK and Humphrey, AR one Saturday morning between June and October a couple of years back. What do you make of it?

Sincerely, Willie Buggart, Bison, KS

Simply explained, Willie. Three professional mushroom hunters stumbling upon a world-record porcini.

Dear Unbelievable peeps,
       While visiting my parents in Los Bocas Vistas in Tampa I snapped this pic of their apartment complex. There appears to be something odd in the sky. What do you guys think?

Regards, Himmie Jendricks, Sugar City, ID

Nope, nothing odd there, apart from that floating sports stadium. Can you see it?

Hi Unbelievable fellas, 
    Recently while out dancing at my local nightclub I saw three freaky lookin' sexy girl aliens. Real or fake?

Best, Dirk Cruncher, Crank, St Helens, Lancashire, UK

Um... that's Lily Allen. Hello, Lily!

Sorry, but that's Nicki Minaj. Hello!

Heaven knows what that is.

Alright, folks, there'll be more from The U-Files on Wednesday. The truth is out there!