Showing posts with label Elton John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elton John. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Meet The (Coaching) Staff

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, the World Cup is now in its quarter-final stage, and believe it or not, we're still in the running. Yes, having given The Sultanate of Brunei a sound hiding (we beat them 17-2 - and one of theirs was an own goal caused when goalie Michael decided to re-tie his boots and remove his pants at the same time near the goalmouth, and tripped over the ball. However, the defensive skills of Clark and my striking prowess safely saw us through to the next game), we are lined up to play tomorrow against Andorra or The Vatican, depending on the outcome of that match. Pope Francis is very tasty in midfield.

Our success at the game of football can only be matched by our crmefighting skills, which we've also been putting to good use during our time here in Brazil. Any jewel robberies in your neighbourhood lately, hmm? Thought not. You are welcome.

But I must say, we're not just talented footballers - raw talent like ours must be moulded into shape by the best coaching team on the planet, and that is what we have. Meet the coaches...

First up...


COACH RAMSAY
While the rest of the world knows him as a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered sonofabitch who can cook up a storm, we know him as our Gentle Giant. Big-hearted Coach Ramsay likes to provide us with healthy goat-cheese-and-pancetta-wrapped-watercress sandwiches on the sidelines during our training sessions, followed by a relaxing pasta-making session. Then he calls us all donkeys and throws what we've made in the bin. We love you, Coach!

And speaking of cookery...

COACH SMITH
Delia Smith is the gal that brought cooking to the masses in the 70s, 80s and 90s. She is also a majority shareholder in Norwich City FC and a rollicking good sport on the Unbelieva-sidelines too. For some reason she likes to come into the locker rooms at (ahem) inopportune moments (like when we're semi-nude) and inspect our kit. And of course, being the Unbelievables, we welcome her with open arms. She's an excellent coach, and her very vocal guidance from the stands during a game is invaluable - whether we're playing well...


or playing horribly.

"SHOOOOT! BLOODY SHOOT, I SAID!!!"

Next...

COACH DAPPY
Not only can Dappy (from N-Dubz, if you're not sure) knock out a winning tune at the drop of a hat, but his ball-handling skills need to be witnessed to be believed. Plus, he choreographs all our goal celebrations (above) and shows us how to keep our street cred while dribbling - not an easy feat, but he pulls it off with flair and aplomb in equal measure.

Style, grace, elan... Coach Dappy knows what time it is.
And finally...

HEAD COACH ROD
He doesn't like being called "Coach Stewart". Says it makes him feel old. But Rod's a sprightly old bugger, despite being 96 years of age.

Rod has been a football fan all his life and plays football most everywhere he goes. He and fellow old codger Elton meet regularly for wind sprints.


He's a constant source of good advice...

"Now - let's start with the basics, shall we? Does anyone know what THIS is?"
So, there you have it - the people that keep us motivated and on our toes at all times. The people that stand there and cheer us on when we are doing well, and throw food at us when we aren't. The Yin to our Yang. The coaches. Hip Hip Hooray!

Friday, June 27, 2014

Unbelieva-Fever


How can anyone not love The World Cup's Fuelco The Armadillo?

Look: I'm just a humble observer.

A simple fan.


And, honestly, a rather recent one to The World Cup at that.

I'm not the consummate sports reporting professional Clark is when he's not pulling double duty as an Unbelievable. And I didn't grow up across the pond as fellow comrade Jeff whose "appreciation of football" - while inherent because of nationality - harbors the disenchantment of realism as noted in Wednesday's entry. (Not everything on television is as glamorous as one would think, I'm sure Jeff would say.)

Right now, I'm digging The World Cup. Yeah ... the rules are still a bit strange as to advancement into the upper tiers of competition. (Really? The United States advanced even though they lost on Thursday ... ?!? Apparently the old adage "You can't win for losing" doesn't hold water in The World Cup.)

But toss in the fact The Unbelievables are actively active in the tournament and you have to admit there's a whole new level of excitement! Unbelivievia is alive and well and headed for the knockout stages of competition! Thrilling! Chilling! Who'duh thunk it ... ?!?

Of course, it's impossible to predict the outcome of our efforts. I mean, in reality, we just put the team together and have had precious little time to "gel" into a well-oiled machine. But credit where credit is due: We're well advanced in our Group U and kicking balls!

Next up, as Jeff stated, is Brunei. They "supposedly" have some secret strategy to oust us from position but that remains to be seen. I'll have a special report next Wednesday after next week's match to update you on our status.

(Meanwhile, I can tell you Elton John masks are all the rage and selling like hotcakes courtesy of our fans finding out little pieces of our history as a football contender. International fandom is wild and wacky!)


And speaking of updates ... 

Suarez Update: Truth be told, I'm glad we got the chance to expose the devious football field shenanigans of Luis Suarez. I don't care who you are: There isn't any excuse for such behavior (or "behaviour" as Jeff might put it). Since last post, word has come down the daft athlete has been struck quite the disciplinary blow - a 9 game squelch as well as a 4 month ban from any football field. While that might seem harsh, The Unbelievables don't feel it's harsh enough. After all, the rogue has been punished for two other Hannibal Lecterisms: 7 and 10 game bans for like-minded toothy incidents. FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) waffled originally when this latest travesty raised its ugly head and many wondered if it was going to do anything about it at all. (FIFA stumbles often when it comes to doling out punishment. And it does like its stars out on display, especially on the international front of The World Cup, where - unfortunately - Suarez is certainly one of those stars.)

Luckily, The Unbelievables were on the job at the time. Now ... what was done and how we did it can't be revealed. Ever. Because, well, no one - NO ONE - is allowed to fiddle with the governing body of such an organization as FIFA. The reasons are obvious. Strict impartiality must be in order so that the equal rules of play are maintained for everyone. But The Unbelievables have their ways of "getting things done" in order to see justice is meted out. Let's just say FIFA didn't want to bring down the hammer as hard as it did on Suarez (which, in our opinion, wasn't harsh enough). That's all I'm allowed to say.

Except of course: World (Cup)? You're welcome.
 

Oh ... all right. I will pass along one little tidbit from our Suarez investigation ...

It shouldn't come as any surprise this is Suarez' "hero" he looks up to and gleans inspiration from before each match: