Meet The (Coaching) Staff

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, the World Cup is now in its quarter-final stage, and believe it or not, we're still in the running. Yes, having given The Sultanate of Brunei a sound hiding (we beat them 17-2 - and one of theirs was an own goal caused when goalie Michael decided to re-tie his boots and remove his pants at the same time near the goalmouth, and tripped over the ball. However, the defensive skills of Clark and my striking prowess safely saw us through to the next game), we are lined up to play tomorrow against Andorra or The Vatican, depending on the outcome of that match. Pope Francis is very tasty in midfield.

Our success at the game of football can only be matched by our crmefighting skills, which we've also been putting to good use during our time here in Brazil. Any jewel robberies in your neighbourhood lately, hmm? Thought not. You are welcome.

But I must say, we're not just talented footballers - raw talent like ours must be moulded into shape by the best coaching team on the planet, and that is what we have. Meet the coaches...

First up...

COACH RAMSAY

While the rest of the world knows him as a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered sonofabitch who can cook up a storm, we know him as our Gentle Giant. Big-hearted Coach Ramsay likes to provide us with healthy goat-cheese-and-pancetta-wrapped-watercress sandwiches on the sidelines during our training sessions, followed by a relaxing pasta-making session. Then he calls us all donkeys and throws what we've made in the bin. We love you, Coach!

And speaking of cookery...

COACH SMITH

Delia Smith is the gal that brought cooking to the masses in the 70s, 80s and 90s. She is also a majority shareholder in Norwich City FC and a rollicking good sport on the Unbelieva-sidelines too. For some reason she likes to come into the locker rooms at (ahem) inopportune moments (like when we're semi-nude) and inspect our kit. And of course, being the Unbelievables, we welcome her with open arms. She's an excellent coach, and her very vocal guidance from the stands during a game is invaluable - whether we're playing well...

or playing horribly.

"SHOOOOT! BLOODY SHOOT, I SAID!!!"

Next...

COACH DAPPY

Not only can Dappy (from N-Dubz, if you're not sure) knock out a winning tune at the drop of a hat, but his ball-handling skills need to be witnessed to be believed. Plus, he choreographs all our goal celebrations (above) and shows us how to keep our street cred while dribbling - not an easy feat, but he pulls it off with flair and aplomb in equal measure.

Style, grace, elan... Coach Dappy knows what time it is.

And finally...

HEAD COACH ROD

He doesn't like being called "Coach Stewart". Says it makes him feel old. But Rod's a sprightly old bugger, despite being 96 years of age.

Rod has been a football fan all his life and plays football most everywhere he goes. He and fellow old codger Elton meet regularly for wind sprints.

He's a constant source of good advice...

"Now - let's start with the basics, shall we? Does anyone know what THIS is?"

So, there you have it - the people that keep us motivated and on our toes at all times. The people that stand there and cheer us on when we are doing well, and throw food at us when we aren't. The Yin to our Yang. The coaches. Hip Hip Hooray!