Soccer Shenanigans

Clark is correct - I don't particularly care for soccer, perhaps in part because I was made to play it at school in all weathers, or at least all the types of weather that seem to occur during soccer season, which is to say Autumn, Winter and Spring. Yep, you guessed it. Muddy, wet, cold, miserable outside, and you want me to run around a field and kick a ball if it comes my way? Well, mister P.E. teacher man, it's all very well for you, sloping off to the staff room every 45 minutes for a nice warm mug of cocoa and a sly ciggy, telling us lads to 'get stuck in'. See how you like it when I set the fire alarm off while you're mid-sip.

So as you can see I am not a keen footie fan. So when the boys decided we were going to play in the World Cup in order to protect the world from a band of jewel thieves, I was doubtful as to how we were going to achieve this. But I must admit, I was impressed with the boys' can-do attitude and never-say-die spirit.

We are currently entering the knockout stages of the tournament and even though we struggled against Equatorial Guinea and the mighty Tonga, we won through (despite some dodgy calls by the ref) and are looking forward to our next match where we face the fearsome Sultanate of Brunei. In the meantime, the world is experiencing a distinct lack of diamond heists, and only we know why. Michael will explain it all in fearless and pantsless detail (as he always does) on Friday.

Meanwhile, I embarked on a side project which I can now tell you about.

I discovered a gruesome project being undertaken by a secret klatch of scientists specialising in various fields such as cloning, genetic modification and similar disciplines, with an evil purpose - to rid the world's football teams of their star strikers. It all started many years ago when this group developed a technique known as Scientific Modification Using Digital Genetic Enhancements - or S.M.U.D.G.E. for short.

They started by taking some tissue samples from both Erik Estrada and Adam Sandler (how they got them, I have yet to ascertain) and combined these with DNA from a llama and a piranha fish.
What they ended up with was then secretly placed in a small village in Uruguay, where it grew up to be a naturally talented soccer player, with an added extra talent. 

It went something like this...

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Yes, Luis Suarez, the result of that fiendish experiment years ago, put here to bite as many opposing players as possible. Now, with last night's incident still fresh in our minds, FIFA is considering legal action against this hideous FrankenStriker. And it's all thanks to The Unbelievables.

You are welcome, world.