Friday, June 17, 2016

Letter ... (I only got one)

"Dear Unbelievables,
    I was never much of a fan of either David Bowie or Prince. I liked some of their songs that I would hear on the radio but that was it. But since they've both passed away, I've been exposed more in-depth to them and their talents and now I feel like I've missed out on some really great music. I know you stylish gents have your Lobster Rage Fist fingers on the pulse of popular culture, so please tell me what future great musical artists are coming down the pipe so I don't miss out again!
Unbelievably Unfulfilled"

Well, there's never going be another David Bowie or Prince. That's why they were who they were; because nobody else could be.
But I hear what you're saying. Fortunately, you have come to the right place to ask this question. Unfortunately, the music industry no longer seems to have much interest in grooming young artists for the purpose of long-term careers whose art develops and evolves over time. Prince had put out four albums before he appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Now, a top ten single "earns" that honor. And within a couple of years, that same "artist" is lucky to get booked at your nearby mall.
"My rider specifically states that Orange Julius is not allowed to make noise by operating their blenders at top speed when I am on stage, goddamnit!"

Plus, predicting the long-term prospects for performers is an extremely dicey endeavor. There are simply too many random factors (luck, ability, luck, timing, luck, personality, luck, prevailing trends in pop culture, luck, luck and luck) to approach it scientifically. However, we can tell you who not to look out for...

The New Minty Twistryls
Formerly known as "The World's Only Christian Metal Folk Trio plus Four". They might actually be kind of talented but it's just not worth the effort to find out. Plus, who would want to attend a concert where fans of this kind of music might show up?

Good news: They actually play instruments
Bad news: They're all bassists

Air Ship
"We are... Air Ship"
You mean like a dirigible?
"No man, like a ship from the water that flies up in the sky!"
Like a flying boat?
(Brief huddle) "We are... Flying Boat"

The Bryk Wallz
All right, let's hear your music.
"Umm, can't you just see how cool we are?"
Yes, that's fine. But we want to hear your songs.
"All right. Let us go get our music things out of the van." (sound of a van starting up and driving off)

Flying Boat
Okay. Got it. Thanks.

Don't get us wrong; all of these bands are probably going to be huge stars (at least for a little while). But you shouldn't waste your time trying to find the next David Bowie or Prince among them. Sorry for your (our) loss.

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