Friday, May 13, 2016

Walk Off, Texas Ranger

Remember back when Chuck Norris, the failed Unbelievable wannabe, tried to make a career out of all the stuff he learned from us?

We started out by just trying to ignore him. We figured if we didn't give him any attention he might just go away. But then he started putting all this, this... STUFF out there that was purely designed to annoy us, and make him look good.

Stuff like this...

Kicking the butt of a giant wolf? AS IF!

Then there was the time he started a snow-shoveling service with that other no-hoper Van Damme. LAME!
Then there were the crazy-ass ads for ridiculous products.

That's more of Chuck than I ever wanted to see.

I mean COME ON!
We took a look at these very closely and then came to the conclusion that there was fakery afoot. Chuck had (gasp of horror) been using PHOTOSHOP! 
There are no giant wolves!(Phew!) 

Nobody in their right mind would make Brillo pants! 

Van Damme's too busy in the Colorado Rockies drinking beer-colored ice water to be bothered with snow shoveling! 

Those aren't even Chuck's real legs! etc. 

We decided that Charley No-Mates (aka Chuck) needed to be OUTED. Exposed. 

That's when we called our favourite lawyer Chung S. Poon from The Law Offices Of Poon.

We told him of our discoveries and asked him if we had a case. He scratched his head and said he could see what he could do.

Well, after a while Chuck got flooded with subpoenas and suchlike (I don't really have a head for all that legal mumbo-jumbo, and we don't have to even pretend to understand it - that's why we hired Chung). He had fines to pay, court appearances to make, he had to hire his own lawyers. 

They were no match for the legal genius that is Poon, but they were by no means less expensive. Which meant that in pretty short order, Mr. Norris was spotted on the street by an eagle-eyed member of the gen. pub., who snapped this little pic.

That's when we decided to leave Chuck alone. He'd learned his lesson. You don't mess with the Unbelievables, and you especially don't mess with The Law Offices Of Poon.

So what is Chuck doing now? All we can say is he was last spotted heading for the great outdoors, to find some lonely spot where he can sort his head out.

"I've had enough! I shall become a hermit."

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