Monday, March 7, 2016

"The Unbelievables Must Die"

The room was packed. And it was a big room. There wasn't an empty seat in the place.

It seemed everyone was there: Herman Van Veen. Greta and Gerta, The Klumpmasterflash Twins. Negative Charge. The Leapers. (Though why they were present no one really knew.) Henri Petit. The Double-D Dames, Mac Ramey. Little Debbie. Mona Pletheridge, Dixie Bose-Sennheiser, Iona Mansion and all the other evil photographic models. Coach Fenella Flipoff. The infamous Woman With No Name. The Hostess. Lumpy "Hair Eye Am" Gonzalez and Neal Anderthal. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Cripes ... even Chafe Del Husqvarna was in attendance. I mean ... wowzah.

The room oozed evil intent. You couldn't make your way down an aisle without catching a whiff of sinister, dire circumstance. The place smelled thick as thieves.

Everyone was whining something at an ominously tall man dressed all in black behind a podium on a stage at the front of the room.

"They're tough, let me tell you ..."
"Jeff talks funny!"
"More windows have been broken with my head than I can count ..."

"Butt-kickin' doesn't begin to describe them ..."
"Michael doesn't even look that good in shorts!"
"All of our plans, months of scheming, tossed to the curb every time!"

"We spend good money trying to foil them! And we've got nothing to show for it!"
"Clark's 'Vette ain't all that, let me tell you ..."
"And we're damned tired of their ultra do-goodery! Not to mention all those Unbelieva-Babes hanging off their arms!"

The ominous tall man dressed all in black held up both his arms, hands parted, and waited patiently until the room quieted. Then he spoke:

"All of you have the exact same problem. And that problem is named Clark, Jeff and Michael, better known as The Unbelievables. I'm here to take care of that problem once and for all ..."

"HOW???" came the cry from all over the room.

"Your mistake, the thing each and every one of you have failed to understand, is this: You have to rid yourselves of The Unbelievables permanently. They have to be disposed of once and for all. And there's only one way to do that. It's something none of you has ever had the balls to do, let alone propose. I will do it for you ..."

"AND WHAT'S THAT???" came the cry from all over the room once more.

"I will kill The Unbelievables. They must die ..."

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