Monday, July 6, 2015

The Woman With No Name

To this very day, The Unbelievables still don't know who the mysterious Woman With No Name is.

We noticed her back in the '70s hanging around after some of our most notorious cases as we instructed police officials in collecting crime scene evidence. One evening we caught her lurking around the corner of a building, studying us.

At the time, she didn't have the distinctive "Face-O-Phone" she uses to communicate. It was nothing more than a plain old mask in the beginning, nondescript.

At one point, we falsely deduced The Woman With No Name was none other than Joan Rivers ... but that turned out to be a red herring. (i.e. Joan Rivers has a name: Joan Rivers. The Woman With No Name doesn't.)

Not The Woman With No Name. This is Joan Rivers ... holding a mask.

Our clandestine lurker turned up quite often. Then, just as quickly, she would disappear for months on end. An entire year went by once without hint nor hide nor hair of her. And then? There she was once more.

We started doing some digging during our off time. We weren't able to find out much ...

The Woman With No Name - the early days.
She was always a flashy dresser, one of the notable things that caught our eyes about her. (That, and the fact she lurked around.) She never talked to us, never got in our way, never meddled in any of our affairs.

But ... she was intriguing. We asked around. One of our informants passed along a photo of her with cryptic implications:

Informant: "She was in a contest once ... and won."
We didn't know where that small tidbit would get us but it was one of the few clues we had on her.

For weeks after we were passed that photo we dug and dug and dug. To no avail. We pow-wowwed about the matter:

Jeff: "We could put out an ad asking if anyone knows her ..."

Clark: "Has anyone checked the post office 'Wanted' postings?"

Me: "It's noon ... and I'm still wearing pants. Why?"

Then, I came up with a brilliant idea: "I know ... I'll leave that contest photo behind with a message stating we know she won the thing and her identity. Maybe that will stir the pot." The guys were in agreement.

A few weeks later, after a quick wrap-up of some international intrigue we were looking into, I left the picture in a conspicuous place for her to find.

That night? I was restless, tossing and turning in bed in the wee hours of the morning. I turned over ... and there was The Woman With No Name staring at me in her frilly pink nightgown and "Face-O-Phone" mask. She scared the bejeebers out of me.

Her voice came across not unlike that of a female Darth Vader through her mask: "You don't really know who I am," she told me. "Keep looking. You might catch a clue by discovering how I was able to infiltrate your Unbelieva-Base ..."

And then she was gone.

Clark and Jeff came in my room seconds later.

"Hey ... we heard heavy breathing coming from in here," Clark said. "What gives?"

"And ... uhm ... why are your toes curled Michael?" Jeff asked.

Wednesday, Clark will continue the tale ...

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