It's Not Like You Were In Any Danger, Clark

Look. It's not that we weren't worried. We were - at least for a few minutes. When Clark took off unexpectedly we were a trifle concerned, for sure. He could have run into traffic, ferchrissakes. But we know our Clarkito knows how to take care of himself - he's one of us, isn't he? Jeez.

Our fears were allayed once we received his first email showing him, ahem, "doing battle" with Lucretia Von Schploomph. Yeah, right. The most testing part of that "battle" must have been deciding whether to stand or sit while she "assailed" him. And when I say assailed, I mean 'made out with'.

No, truth be told, there are many ladies we have encountered in the past who are more fearsome and deadly than Lucretia (bless her bodyguarding, buttkicking lil' heart) could ever hope to be. That's not to say anything bad against Miss Von Schploomph, heavens no. It's just that we all know she's actually a real sweetheart.

Yes, there's been a lot of crazy hellions littering our trail, and these ladies are just a few...

The ladies' track team from the University of Texas. Trust me, any woman who can run 400 metres and maintain her big hairdo is not to be underestimated. In the picture there you see (l to r) Cora Snickerdoodle, the fastest pair of pins this side of Usain Bolt; Gloria Weisenheimer, who stored a 9mm pistol in that beehive; and Heidi Bangtidy, an exchange student from the north of England who was skilled in the lost martial art of Ecky Thump. In the background is coach Fenella Flipoff, whose approach to coaching track was akin to driving a double-decker bus on a skidpan.

Penny Farthing, engineering graduate from Caltech, seen here being, ahem, restrained by two policemen after trying to steal all the coins from an entire seafront amusement arcade with a giant mechanical grabber of her own devising. Well, it was more of a souped-up Bobcat really. Fiendishly clever. 

(l to r) Sondra McDoodles, Cassie Mayweather, Donna Lee O'Hooley and Barb McStuffins, four ne'er-do-wells whose psychic abilities allow them to power and steer a boat just by using their minds. They use their arms as antennae to harness the kinetic energies in the sub-ether, so they say. Sounds like a lot of pseudoscientific hooey to me, but it seems to work. These ladies were very difficult to capture since they were awfully hard to handcuff.

Miss April Van Dal, whose skill with an eyebrow pencil went beyond that of your normal make-up artist, when she started to adapt them and other make-up applicators by adding explosives, poison darts, bullets, detonators, ink squirters and the like, as if she was some sort of James Bond type. She wanted to shut down the government in order to make them accede to her demands, which included $500,000 in $2 bills, a Maserati, a lifetime supply of mascara and her own show on CBS.

The infamous Woman With No Name, who communicated solely with the aid of the Face-O-Phone. Michael has a story about her which would make your toes curl.

These fearsome ladies are the alternative speed-mathcore metal trio Brutal Koala's Fist. We've never met them, nor do we wish to. Yeesh!