They Can't All Be Super-Villains

Naturally there are villains, fiends, crooks and ne'er-do-wells that aren't exactly what you'd call master criminals, or indeed master anything. If anything they are flies in the ointment. Lint on the shoulder of your double-knit sweater. Here are a few that we have encountered during our dazzlingly illustrious career as crime fighters...

The accordion-toting dude above is known simply as Accordion Toting Dude. His crime? Playing the accordion when it's not wanted, which is most of the time. Not that we are particularly down on accordions per se. But you know when you're watching a movie or TV show and something dramatic or suspenseful happens and there's a musical stab or sting to increase the tension of the dramatic moment? Well, this guy would listen in on people's conversations, sneaking up on them all quiet like, and then produce a dramatic and tense accordion sting when the moment arose. Except the trouble was that (a) an accordion's dramatic sting is not quite the same as a full orchestra doing it, by any stretch of the imagination, and (b) it was incredibly irritating. We got wind of this, quickly grabbed the offender and shipped him off to Ballard, WA where that kind of behaviour is not only acceptable, but encouraged (just like eating lutefisk).

Karen Steinberg was a Noo Yawk Jewish American Princess who desperately wanted to be a Sindy doll, going so far as to have plastic (ha!) surgery in order to look more like her favourite toy. She even changed her name by deed poll to Sindy Dolly Steinberg, and affected a stiff-legged walk and glazed expression (although that was due to lots of Botox). So what did she do wrong? Well, holding up most of the major department stores in New York City and using the ill-gotten gains to pay for her cosmetic enhancements. She's now doing hard time in Sing Sing, and is due for parole any time soon, but when?

You might recognise the above as Valentine Warner, TV chef. And you'd be partially right. The guy on the left is Valentine, but on the right is his evil twin, Pan-fried Percival Poncey Warner. He's responsible for some seriously terrible tweets against his brother, some fake personal appearances as Valentine, and generally acting the goat. So we put him somewhere where he can prove his usefulness - he's now a top chef at a Carl's Jr. in San Jose, CA.


Other people are even more trivially annoying.

These two guys have bad suits and their computer doesn't even run Windows! We put them to work at a shake shop.

A bunch of aggravating cosplay numpties. Get a life, and maybe a girlfriend, dudes.

Joachim van Sturgen has a nasty habit of badly impersonating famous soccer players like Mata at important matches and getting thrown out of the stadium. We put him to work at a Verizon store.

This innocent little chap is a crook if ever I saw one. He stole my bucket and spade at Camber Sands when I was just an anklebiter. Then mum took us home and I never saw this guy again. But what a creepy bonnet!

Well, that's just a few of our small-time nemeses. Anyway, I'm sure Michael will let you know about some of our lesser-known evil-doers.