WHAT is he up to now? - or - What IS he up to now?

It's no secret that throughout our careers, our most dangerous (or at least most persistent) adversary has been the vile Henri Petit. But it's actually been a while, nearly a whole year, since we've had direct contact with the grubby little pest. This made us ask the question, "What's he been doing?" to which we all answered, "Nothing good!"

It was suggested that somebody (me) drive by his house (oddly enough, we live within 11 miles of each other) and conduct some surveillance, which is Latin for "see what's goin' on". I did, and this is what I surveilled...

The scant suckling was just perched on the front stoop, wearing a monkey mask. I couldn't resist the urge to roll down the window, snap this photo and yell, "Lookin' good, Henri. Lookin' real good, you malformed chimp" He didn't even react. He just stared straight ahead as I offered an obscene finger gesture before driving off.

Upon arriving back at HQ, I showed Jeff and Michael the pic, which they studied briefly before asking, "so what is he doing?" "I dunno," I offered. "Just being a weirdo, I guess. Maybe he's given up the super villain biz and decided to embrace the creepy thing on a full-time basis." We all considered the possibility before dismissing it with a collective, "Naaahhhh".

So what is going on?

• Is he wearing a mask?
• If so, why?
• And why didn't he acknowledge being addressed? (Rude!)
• Maybe it's not a mask and he's experimenting with animal cross-breeding?
• Still, he could have waved or something. (Soooo rude)

Michael and Jeff will offer some possible scenarios later this week.

The (Unbelievable) Benefit Of Kids' Programming

You know ... there's nothing better than educational television with a twist to get the kiddies involved, aware and gung ho about learning.

That's why I think an academic, informational slant on boob tube viewing would be the way to go for the tykes.

Picture it: A lively intro and engaging narration directed right at the viewing audience to the point of enthusiasm! (Bet you didn't know Jeff, with his distinctive British accent, is the perfect man to front such voice-over interaction. He is! But any of us could step up to the task; Clark possess an intriguing command of language and I have radio announcing experience beneath my belt. Heck, week to week we could trade off to keep things fresh and interesting! Brilliant!)

The subject of our kids' programming? Why, education the Unbelievable's way of course! (Translation: Education the Unbelievable's way = FUN!)

Here are a few examples:

Revolutionary War Re-enactment

Just think of the joy learning about regimented training, wartime strategies and the mechanics of firearms! Kids like things that go boom, you know. Win, win!

Hands-On Farming

For the hard to please little ones, nothing conditions them like putting them in place of farm animals to cool their jets. With Jeff's pointed commentary, the fear of excessive, difficult equipment operation will get them to appreciate how well off they really are with their PS4s and other electronics.

Discovery At Sea Level

Kids are naturally curious. They'll be amazed at all the creepy crawlies and other things inhabiting beaches and tide pools. Careful of those poisonous sea anemones though! (The narration will learn'em.)

Rough and Ready

Nothing educates like hands-on experience. The Unbelievables unique examples of brickworking, construction and other physical activities will fine tune the clumsiest of kids, honing them to alert individuals and remove any ungainly butterfingerness.

Tools Of The Trade

Our singular and original series of heavy equipment education will have children crying "More!" when they're introduced to our step by step methodologies for troubleshooting and repairing all manner of machinery. If you're afraid of getting your hands dirty, these segments will remove any doubts.

What do you think? Terrific, I know! The kids would go wild in the streets!

"I know I have homework, mom, but I really want to tune into The Unbelievables and their nifty educational program! Can I, please?"

Yep. That could be your kid asking you to watch something that will benefit them in their delicate, formative years, something to take with them all through life. (Who knows? Maybe watching our show will benefit you, too!)

I like it!

Programming for the wee ones

Yeah, now might be a good time to get back into television and other content produced specifically for children. We haven't had that element in our employ since we folded the "Li'l Unbelievables" franchise.
Oh, we didn't tell you we did that?
Well, we did. Because we had to.

Turns out Oliver Pepperpot, who we had regarded as a kindly grandfather type dedicated to producing fun and educational material for children wasn't exactly who we thought he was.

"And who is your favorite 'Li'l Unbelievable', little girl?"

 Well, he was...in a way. He was sincerely committed to all of those things and did a great job. But he had a questionable side business that created some problems due to an inherent conflict of interest.

Specifically, he was selling weapons to our foes.

"And what is your favorite semi-automatic firearm capable of accepting a detachable magazine with a folding or telescoping (collapsible) stock, which reduces the overall length of the firearm and a pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon, little boy?"

So yeah, we had to let him go and the children's programming department with him. It was very sad because we genuinely liked Oliver. Such a sweet, sweet man.

It was also sad when we had to kick him off a bridge after he tried to kill us for letting him go.

But maybe the time is right to explore our options and get back into it.

If We Were A Kids' Show...

Now it's time once again for our occasional dip into the Unbelieva-Mailbag...

This one is from Huw Rinal from Tan-Y-Bwlch, Wales, who writes:

Dear Unbelievables, 
     I know you had a TV show pilot that wasn't picked up by the networks, bach, isn'it, there's lovely. But if it could be rebooted as a kids' show, what sort of format would you like it to take - cartoon, live-action, 3D, computer animated, or what? There's lovely, isn'it?

Your pal from the valleys, bach, isn'it,

Huw Rinal.

Great question, and one I think we'll all have interesting opinions on. Myself, I'd like to see us as a Gerry Anderson-type action adventure show, with puppets as ourselves, like Thunderbirds or Joe 90. Intrigue, drama, espionage, technology, jumping out of planes, downhill skiing while shooting at people, etc. Like James Bond on a smaller scale.

Here's a couple of clips to give you an idea:







Can't you just see us kicking Henri Petit's butt in Supermarionation? Or knocking seven bells out of Little Debbie or Sam Snow while dangling dangerously from some exploding tower? Or even taking on extra intelligence a la  Joe 90 to defeat Negative Charge or Dr. Oldschool? And then winding down in the pool at Tracy Island with some lovely ladies (Hello, ladies!!)? 

I  think it would be a sweet idea. I may just get on the horn to some TV types and suggest it, but before I do, I'll have the guys weigh in on this topic.

Ciao!

Under-Ed-stimated

"You know" Clark commented "Ed is making a name for himself ... as our most inept foe to date." - Monday

Turns out I (we) might have sold Ed short. Granted, Michael was correct in stating that none of Ed Flurb's* threats against us ever came to fruition, but we're not the only people who ever get threatened. And while he has consistently failed to harm, impress, or even bother us, he has been making his presence known elsewhere.

He has at least one airplane. While that in itself is not a crime, a guy who on multiple occasions has threatened mayhem with the ability to take to the skies is a serious potential problem, as history has shown...

Not that he needs to fly to be a menace...

He broke into this house and stole this poor family's cupboards!! The note the fiend left behind said, "Please try to enjoy your cereals and canned goods stacked together on a table from now on! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

The security team that somehow allowed him to get close enough to Janet Jackson to, um, offend, has been relieved of their duties.


And probably most disturbing of all...

He's gained access to the fertile young minds of our college students!

So, citizens, we can not afford to dismiss this man as a mere nuisance. Please keep your eyes open for anyone fitting this description, or even specific aspects of it, and if you see something, say something!

PERSON OF INTEREST: ED FLURB*

• Hockey helmet
• Glasses
• Mustache
• Spandex bodysuit
• Lack of or, at best, ill-suited undergarments
• Sack lunch

* We suspect that "Flurb" is not his real name, but rather an onomatopoetic alias based on the noises created when he puts on and takes off his bodysuit

Insult-Ed

For me, it wasn't so much how inept he appeared to be, it was how inept he most certainly was and yet was still able to get the ladies.

I mean, come on! He looks like he bought a giant condom, put it on and covered it with Magic Marker.

I voiced my opinion about this, loudly, to the guys when the above picture flopped onto our front doormat one day with an accompanying note:

Dear Unbelievables,

You guys think you're the only ones who know how to drive the ladies wild, huh? Well, let me tell you something - you're not!

Yours evilly, Ed Flurb, the evil guy

That one hit us where we live, you know?

Not only that, but the guy seems to have a following, for some obscure reason. So much so that he has inspired imitators who turn up at Comic-Cons dressed like him.

What is that all about!?

My opinion? Flurb is just a harmless nutter, albeit a mildly irritating one.

Clark will weigh in with his take on this fellow later. TTFN!

 

Ed Flurb, The Evil Guy

Someone we've never mentioned previously, Ed Flurb, is perhaps one of our dumbest foes ever. 

As a matter of fact, calling him a foe at all was a bit of a stretch. The guy was a genuine maroon.

But ... everyone has a dream, right? And few ever get the opportunity to get out there and live those dreams. Ed? Well, he got to gettin' and did his thing. So, in that respect, I guess we have to give Ed his due.

He first burst on the scene with - you guessed it - a letter (hand written even) that came to us out of the blue one day:

Unbelievables:

I'm The Evil Guy. And I just might turn out to be your worst super villain nightmare. So watch out!

Ed Flurb aka The Evil Guy

Yep. That was the extent of our introduction to him. Nothing more. We promptly forgot all about him.

Ed Flurb, The Evil Guy.

Evil ... personified.

Then, a few months later, we got another note from Ed:

Unbelievables: 

Remember McDonald's "Super Size" options on their meals some years back? It was all the rage and even got attention in that Morgan Spurlock film. Remember how "super sizing" was then vilified and eventually done away with by the chain? Well, I'm bringing it back. Me, The Evil Guy! Super sizing will be reintroduced to the doom of all mankind!

Ed Flurb (better known as The Evil Guy)

We pondered over this a while (it was a really a short amount of time we actually pondered) and decided to take a wait and see attitude about the affair. As it turned out, nothing ever came of it. Once more we promptly forgot all about Ed's threat.

Obviously taking a break from evil doing.

Another few months passed and another post came our way.

Unbelievables:

I'm planning on world domination in the form of slowing production values of the public at large. How am I going to do this? By randomly putting up orange safety cones on some of the busiest freeways ever, forcing bottlenecks and resulting in traffic jams and, thus, lost work hours. No one will be able to get anything done! With work stymied, the economy will collapse! Watch out!

Ed Flurb (You know me better as The Evil Guy)

We had a good chuckle at that one. And, of course, nothing was ever heard of on this particular issue.

We don't know. Don't ask.

"You know" Clark commented "Ed is making a name for himself ... as our most inept foe to date."

A few more months went by. Another letter.

Unbelievables:

You want trouble? I'm going to hand it to you on a silver platter. I'm teaming with Fidel Castro and Cuba and together we'll bring about "The Bay Of Pigs - The Sequel!" Start counting your days; they're numbered!

Villainous Ed Flurb, The Evil Guy

"Uhm ... doesn't he know Castro died a few years back?" Jeff queried.

But it didn't make any difference. Because we never heard word zero about Cuba or Casto or a resurrection of The Bay Of Pigs nor Ed's "alliance" again.

Again ... no clue.

Like I said: Ed did his thing. Giving credit wear credit is due, he did dream big. (So to speak.) But he never followed through on anything so far as we could tell. Or ... maybe he did and his plans simply died on implementation. We don't know.

But the dude was a never ending source of sniggers.

Jeff and Clark might have a few more words on Ed later in the week. Just, you know, don't expect much.


Note: We didn't hear from The Unbelievable Dance Crew over the weekend so there was nothing further to report on their behalf. When they get back to us, we'll get back to you. I know, I know ... you're waiting with bated breath to see what they come up with ...

Everybody Dance - Wow!

KA-POW!!!

I was in the mailroom helping Ulf the Unbelievadog and Kip the Mail Boy to un-jam the copier when I became aware of a commotion from outside - lots of clapping, cheering and "YAY"ing going on. Before I could even open my mouth to ask what in the name of Henri Petit's lighter was occurring, Michael came in and collared me.

"Jeff," he hissed, "There are some rather enthusiastic young folk outside who wish to converse with you."

"With me?" I asked.

"Oh yes, you. Clark and I have done our turn with them, and now it's up to you."

"Whaddya mean, 'up to me'?" I enquired, but before Michael could answer, there I was at the front door faced with the vibrantly-attired group you see above.

"HI, JEFF!!!!!" They cried as they saw me.

"Er, hello to you," I responded, to which some of the girls in the crew giggled and said things like "Aw, he's sooo British" in a swoonsome manner.

"And who, might I ask, are you lot?" (More cries of "Ooh, he's such an Englishman" etc.)

"We're The Unbelievable Dance Crew! And we're here because you're our heroes and you need a signature dance! We think it would be super awesomely cool if you guys had a signature dance named after you that people could do when they're out for the night!"

I was intrigued. "Go on..."

"So we need to find out what kind of dance moves you guys like so we can incorporate them into a super-cool fabby dance routine and teach it to people!"

"Well, OK. I like a lot of dances, but particularly ones from the 30s, 40s and 50s, like the Charleston, Lindy Hop, Black Bottom, etc. Not to mention the Jitterbug, the Bop and the Stroll. That enough to be going on with?"

"That's totes amazeballs, Jeff!!" They shouted. "We think they're fan-dabi-dozi too! Give us a couple weeks to get it all choreographed and we'll come back with a sneak preview for you chaps!"

"How nice, " I thought to myself as the crew left the building. "They even threw in some U.K. slang to show me how much they like me."

I wonder what they'll come up with?

Everybody Dance ... How?

I had just come from somewhere in the base, coffee still in hand, when I heard "You know what? Hold on a moment ... I'm going to go get Michael ..." 

Then there was a loud cheering.

Clark came up to me. "Your turn. Go talk to the group outside."

"What? Who is it?" I asked.

"Just go. You'll see," Clark urged. He waited behind me a short distance, for what I hadn't a clue.

I went and opened the door. Cheering assaulted me and I jumped back a step. I swore I saw a few people in the background get thrown up in the air cheerleader style.

"HI, MICHAEL ... !!!"

Just like Clark, I took in the raucous greeting a bit unsettlingly. "Um ... hi?"

"We're The Unbelievable Dance Crew! And we're here because you're our heroes and you need a signature dance!"

I stepped back behind the door and looked over my shoulder at Clark. He floofed his hand at me in a "go on, talk to them" sort of gesture. I returned to the cacophony of cheering and greetings.

"'The Unbelievable Dance Crew' you say?"

"YES!!!" they shouted back at me.

"Unbelievable" I responded. 

"YES!!!" they shouted again. "We just think it would be awesome if 'The Unbelievable' was a dance that people could do in clubs and at weddings and other social occasions where people dance!"

"Truly unbelievable ..." I said again, under my breath. But, apparently, not quietly enough.

"YES!" claimed one person.

"Imagine it!" stated another emphatically.

"It would be awesome sauce!" cheered a third.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ... !!!" all of them screamed in unison.

I stepped back, closed the door slightly and turned again to Clark. "Why are you encouraging this?!?"

"Oh, let'em have their fun! They're just enthusiastic and they dig us. Where's the harm? Besides ... they're even willing to incorporate robotic moves in whatever they do ..."

I grumbled and reopened the door. A troupe of 7 of them had initiated a costume change. My jaw dropped:

"Uhm ... you know what? Let me get Jeff. I'll be right back ..."

I closed the door, turned on my heel and scowled at Clark (he appeared to be enjoying my reactions) as I marched down the hall to find Jeff.

"Robotic! Moves!" Clark called after me as I disappeared around a corner ...

Everybody dance now

We finally got home from Switzerland the other day and hadn't even settled down when these characters showed up at the door:

I greeted them but was unnerved. In addition to being aggressively colorful, they also wouldn't stop moving around. Before I could ask "who are you?", They said, in unison, "Hi! We're The Unbelievable Dance Crew! And we're here because you're our heroes and you need a signature dance!" This was before I could ask, "why are you here?" Another piped up and said, "we just think it would be awesome if 'The Unbelievable' was a dance that people could do in clubs and at weddings and other social occasions where people dance!" Managing to get a word in, I said "weddings are the only social occasion where people dance." That made that one dancer slow down just a little.

But yeah, bottom line here is that these young go-getters are all about us being represented in a signature dance. The kind where when you look at a dance floor at a discotheque and say "what are they doing?", the answer would be "they're doing The Unbelievable!". And they are fully prepared to 'go viral' in making it happen. Through sheer force of will and obnoxiously high energy, I don't doubt it. Since they admire us, they wanted to get our personal input into what should be part of it.

I told them I love robots so I would very much to see some robotic moves be part of what they eventually come up with:

Wait til you see what Michael and Jeff have for them later this week!

The Whole Thing Was Choc Fulla Nuts

... from Wednesday ...

"Isn't it obvious? He's planning to corner the nut market, in order to put the squeeze on the chocolate biz. And he's probably going to destroy huge nut crops in order to do so!"

Of course this made sense right off the bat. All the obvious, tell-tale signs were there: Devious ne'er-do-well leanings, delusions of grandeur, a power play aimed at disrupting the normal course of events. Yep ... it sure sounded like the M.O. of Henri Petit.

But I confessed: "I was just winging it, guys. I don't have a bead on who it is behind this plot. We just haven't had any rows with the little twit of late and I was ... you know, wishful thinking it was Petit, y'unnerstan' ..."

Regardless, we had work to do. And we couldn't let down our friend Guinney nor see his successful business run out of profitability, nuts or popularity.

So, it was back to the states with us to determine if this was a real threat or someone with a desire to yank Guinney's chain.

The first order of business was to see if Petit was really behind this nefarious plot or if it was someone else. We didn't have any concrete evidence it was actually Petit - no video from Guinney's shop, nothing. Just our friend's word. But it sure sounded like something that imp Petit would involve himself with.

Doing some digging about nuts (California being one of the largest producers of almonds, pistachios and walnuts, all perfect in chocolates) and the like, I stumbled on this video:



A light when on after the first two and a half minutes. It smacked of jealousy and underhandedness to me. I postulated a theory that it wasn't Petit at all and there wasn't any pending nut crisis in the least in the future. 
Because it was obvious: Jimmy Fallon - and his abundant jealousy of Guinney Pepper's success - was the culprit here. And, to all three of us, that was just nuts.
We paid a visit to Fallon's studio the next day for "a little chat." (The details of that chat aren't important. Let's just say he saw clear to steer away from any shenanigans involving Guinney, his business and nuts in general. He even admitted he was the one who threatened Guinney at his shop posing as "the very tall man in a trench coat." And, yes, he midget on his shoulders who did all the talking who was an avid smoker.)
In the grand scheme of things, it was a pretty easy case to solve. Guinney was relieved to discover it was all a hoax when we broke the news to him.
Later, Clark asked: "Wait ... so ... we don't get to rough up Petit? You know, throw him screaming through a plate glass window from 15 stories up somewhere?"
Jeff and I consoled him with some of Guinney's superb chocolate creations we'd picked up while in Switzerland ...

Drop those nuts!

Guinney spilled some of his work on his shirt

"Tune in later this week for the next part later this week! For, like, the next part!" - Jeff, earlier today

We wailed and skanked our way back to Guinney's shop. Once there, I did my best to focus on the matter at hand - impending evil ploy perpetrated by the mini-menace Henri Petit - and not sample even more of Guinney's wares. Here's what he said:

"My nuts are in trouble!"

When asked to elaborate he said, "No self-respecting chocolatier can possibly hope to have a line of treats without offering nuts and almonds and pecans and etcetera." To which I replied, "Duh."

"Well, the other day", he continued, "a very tall man in a trench coat and wearing a hat came in here and threatened me, saying 'Enjoy your nuts while you have them, because they're not long for this world'. Then he laughed in a sinister manner and transitioned into a nasty smoker's cough."

"Tall man, eh?", Jeff queried. "That lets out Petit." "Yes, but as he turned to leave, he was very unsteady", Guinney said. "I think it was a small person on a regular-sized person's shoulders." We all looked at each other and shared the same thought: "Henri Petit would totally try to pull a stunt like that!"

"But to what end?", Guinney asked. Michael said, "Isn't it obvious? He's planning to corner the nut market, in order to put the squeeze on the chocolate biz. And he's probably going to destroy huge nut crops in order to do so!"

We've got to save those nuts.

Choc Full Of Nutty Happenings

Naturally, we stayed on in Switzerland for a few days after we'd inadvertently done Dr. Oldschool's D.I.Y. for him, wishing him the best of luck in his microbrewery venture.

It just seemed appropriate. We love Switzerland anyways. I love clocks, Michael loves pantsless snow activities and Clark, well...

Clark loves chocolate. Especially the handmade Swiss kind. Clark is as happy in Switzerland as a pig in muck. We just let him loose in downtown Geneva and said, "take your time, buddy."

But it was on Sunday when Michael and I were in the hotel that things took a turn.

Michael had heard about the Large Hadron Collider and wanted to know more about it. I was trying to explain the science of accelerated particles and it was clear I was not breaking through. Michael's a great guy, very smart, you understand, but sometimes it's like he's wearing glasses made from pure snot while trying to critique an oil painting. It wasn't until he'd made some sexual reference, giggling like a schoolboy, that I realized why I wasn't making any headway.

"No, no," I said. "Large Hadron. HADRON, H-A-D-R-O-N, not H-A-R--"

Suddenly the door burst open and in waddled a clearly chocolate-engorged Clark, near enough bouncing off the walls.

"Guys, guys! You will never believe it!"

"What, that you have eaten your own weight in chocolate?" I said cynically.

"Like you didn't buy fifteen cuckoo clocks?" retorted Michael.

"OK, OK, so I like them," I replied, and then, returning to Clark, I I asked what was up.

"You will never believe who's opened a chocolate shop here! You'll never guess. When I tell you, you're gonna flip your flippin' lid!"

We stared at Clark for what seemed like an age.

"Guinney Pepper!"

"--"

"Yes, the Guinney Pepper! You know, of Lick The Chalice fame!"

The penny dropped.

We're all big fans of reggae superstar Guinney Pepper. On fishing trips and long car journeys, he's practically all we listen to.




He's also one of our international network of moles and informants from the world of celebrity.

"What!? What is he doing in bloomin' Switzerland?" I asked.

"Well, not only does he love chocolate and timepieces, he's onto something big! He thinks it's something to do with - (ahem) - Petit!"

"Good gravy!" cried Michael. "I thought after last time, that little dingbat troll monkey would have hung up his pipe for good!"

"We need to get down to the shop where he's having his grand opening and see what he knows. There's no time to waste!"

We sped off, pronto.

Tune in later this week for the next part later this week! For, like, the next part!